That's how it's done: bit by bit.

So tonight I discovered somethin interesting,just what is likely to be the one thing to push me over the edge. It's funny really, in Ross' car, we always play Oasis Greatest Hits and always put Wonderwall on repeat a few times and sing it over and over. It's always been one of my favorite songs and I've always had a special relationship to the song but let's face it: it#s a classic. The interesting thing is that I never quite managed to connect it to someone individual like I do with other songs. I tried once because I guy played it to us on the guitar and then I fooled around with him but it never quite stuck. With Ross it's been different, it already started to stick as we always sing it but today as he was dropping me home, he suddenly picked up his guitar in his room (which he says he never plays) and started strumming Morning Glory, I was impressed but then I heard the sudden change to the beginning of Wonderwall. He played quietly, clearly only trying it out for himself, but he seemed confident and competent enough and I could just feel my heart melting. Yes, I said it. It's still not some slushy romance but this is one way which he can really get to me so I have to be careful because it's an easy route of falling in love with him.

We agreed to a deal on Friday, he'll learn the rest of the song if I sing it while he play.s See now it would be amazing if A) it was an octave higher, which he won't manage, so I could actually sing it B) It wouldn't attach the song to him even more i.e. feelings becoming a bit too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do, despite the fact that it would be gorgeous to be able to sing it, I think I'll back out. It's probably for the best. Just wanted to get the feeling out of my system though, I was so overwhelmed by these few strums on a damn guitar, I couldn't believe it. It was such a turn on, but surprisingly less sexual more emotional, I just really wanted him. A warning popping to my head straight away that this was a heart throb moment! You know what makes the whole situation so funny though? The fact that he doesn't even realise how much he's making me fall for him by all these little idiotic things, he's just being his normal lazy self and I'm going to swoon if he's not careful. Maybe that's what he wants though, he seems to be keen enough so it's definitely a possibility. Nothing has overwhelmed me too much to worry thus this is purely my mind ranting away it doesn't mean anything, I haven't fallen yet and I am not too close to it yet however these little things have a definite effect on me which is very interesting, even to me. Let alone Ross, to whom I'm this strong soppiless (almost) independent woman. This is definitely going to be a laugh.

Holiday snaps incoming!!

Just the first of many to come from Benicassim festival 2011!!

Being 18.

Just a happy summer, a few photos.

Windsor 4th July.

Friday night out in Gig House- 22nd July.

Perv/ paedophile?

Hugs for the hug shy. Marc, Rob & Sophie.

You overwhelm me.

I felt like a post needed to be made despite lack of time or effort. This always happens during the summer because there is just so much to do and when not, the pure lack of effort overrules me from getting up from the TV and writing a blog entry. Nonetheless I can't deny the fact that I am unbelievably happy with things right now, no school, minimal work, okay illness on the roll however that can be over looked and the most perfect guy for me right now. Don't get me wrong, this isn't some whirlwind romance and I don't want it to be, what it is, is the opposite of what I had with Petr, slow, down to earth, no head over heels just taking things as they come. Now I have to admit that I have gotten a lot deeper in that I would have anticipated but that's all part of it, it's conservative, no pressure only what we want, what we wish. Now we've been together officially for about a month now but have been together for 4 now yet there's no soppy I love you's, we act like a couple and have had 'the talk' but still, there are no final decisions and Ross let's me call the shots because to him it's all okay. As long as the soppiness doesn't get too much which is all perfect by me. We joke about turning soppy anyway, because we have but not in a disgusting way, we are still very much two independent individuals enjoying each others company [like the poem I referred to in a blog entry a few months ago].

It's what I find perfect, the fact that it is so different to what I had with Petr, so stable yet satisfying. The funny thing is that we haven't even slept together yet, would you believe it? No reasons behind it, I mean yes, fooled around but no actual sex and I'm actually comfortable with that, it's a little frustrating at times I won't lie however I don't mind because I'm fairly certain that he's still sexually attracted by me and I'm happy not having sex for a while because he makes me happy and treats me well, he's a good guy.

I really don't want to go back to Czech now because this happy fantasy will just slip away from me but I guess treasuring time is something we may have to learn to do. I just hope he thinks it's worth the try; the next few weeks should show this. I hate having to count down, always, in any relationship, meaning that there's always a lump in my throat. I guess it means I treasure more time with Ross and he treasures me more, which he really does. His texts, somethings he says and does, they just overwhelm me because I'd never expect it. He's truly great.

Definitely happy.

HENLEY REGATTA.
2nd July 2011.

Portfolio.

Just one of the pictures from my PYNK photo shoot. Face expression isn't great.

The beautiful Henley Regatta.

The joys of being English and middle class: Regatta's, polo matches, Ascot races, champagne in Chelsea..

So... I took the plunge last night. I don't honestly know why but all I know is that I'm happy about it. Scared shitless of course but glad nonetheless. It was the perfect way to happen really, at Royal Henley Regatta.

He persuaded me to go on the Friday night. We spent the day together but it didn't quite seem like enough so decided to go out for a few drinks down the local in the evening and he kept telling me to go so eventually I gave in but I said that I wouldn't go with him, that I'd go with Sophie and that if we ran into each other then good but if we didn't then it didn't matter either. Coincidence had it that they got out the car right behind us at Twyford station so it couldn't have been any more perfect. He greeted me with a little kiss and then we just hung around, I got to know Alex (best friend) and Sophie got to know everyone. It was nice, we split up a bit but then mostly ended up together anyway; met a few nice people but mostly enjoyed each others company. A nice little foursome.

Last Monday (yes skipping a little) me and Ross started being affectionate in public. The hand holding, hugging, occasional kissing etc which moved us along a little more to the affection again and it made me a little more uncertain because I fell for him there and then. I just couldn't help myself from then, I wanted to spend all this time with him and he just made me so happy. The familiar feeling of affection which I was trying to hard to avoid; this carried on through to Friday night. I just didn't want to leave him.

Back to Saturday, we had just bought VIP passes to one of the posher Henley Regatta areas, a private party. Me and Sophie went off to the loos and came back and Ross was acting a little strange. Didn't give me a hug or hold my hand when we got to him or anything so I got a little weary. Soon enough I found out that the psycho ex 'Jackie' was there; right in front of us. It was the scariest thing ever. I swear. I just felt so damn awkward I didn't know what to do, obviously the biggest dilemna we faced til now. Anyway, I distanced myself a little and spoke to Sophie and Stuart about the issue a little and then just chatted. Ross disappeared to the loo too and when he came back and it looked like he had gotten myself together a little more. We threw a few words about it together and things were okay. He took me by the hand and we went into the VIP area where we completely forgot about the bitch. I mean she's still always at the back of my mind but that would never go away and she is fatter than me and uglier and I'm with him now so bottom line is that I win.

We went and sat down and just chatted for a while. During this, Kayle kept texting me telling me to have 'the talk' with Ross and I kept telling him to piss off because it seemed so absurd to have any sort of talk. I mean this was supposed to be a fling after all which may have gotten a little out of hand, I would have never have though 'the talk' was necessary. But it just happened regardless. We were just sat there and all of a sudden he goes 'Yeah but you're fucking off anyway so..' and I was like 'Well yeah but.. ' and looked all sad. I don't quite remember the details but we discussed the entire thing. Spain, Czech, university, how we didn't plan this how it could and couldn't work. The whole long distance thing. It took a while, Alex and Sophie went to leave us in peace as they saw something was going on. But we just kissed and cuddled. Like an awful soppy couple. Disgusting, haha. When we spoke about it all he just said the sensible thing ' Look, this is your choice because I'm not going anywhere, you know how I feel about you but it's you going to university and so you have to decide whether you want to do this.' It took me a while to think things through and I kept saying that I didn't know but I came up with the decision of let's see how we manage with the distance in the few weeks of the summer and that we can go from there but that I think we can do it. Give it a shot at least. That I wasn't the type of girl to a) date guys my age b) fuck someone over who I genuinely cared about (careful avoidance of the word 'love' here). But because he had never done the long distance thing before that he would have to see too of course whether it was worth it. I think we ended the conversation indefinitely because the fireworks started so we just kissed some more but it is still my choice and I think we are pretty much together anyway. Through out the day and before people have called me his girlfriend and said that we're going out and I've just stopped denying it. It happened without me being able to stop it.

I mean the evening couldn't have been anymore perfect in this sense. It was great. I was also quite high for the majority of today because I couldn't believe how happy it made me. The fact that he actually told me how he cared. The extent. For him it's such a huge deal and I managed to make him putty in my hands. Gosia said that he's basically in love with me. Another sign that makes me feel like this could work is that all of a sudden I have loads of guys chatting me up which always happens when I solidify things. But nonetheless, my final decision was to wait to see how we get through summer and that he can decide whether the distance is worth it or not. I would quite like to make this work because regardless him being a lazy slob, he is trying for me and maybe he can achieve and he truly cares about me. The scary thing is that it seems like he cares so much more than Petr ever did. I've fallen for him. A lot. It's not love yet but it's scarily close. I just want to see him and spend more time with him.

What makes it funny is that I went into this for a fling and not only have we still not had sex i.e. the longest I've ever not & it doens't bug me (weird I know) but then we've spent so much time together and are just happy. That I've never felt so happy and this guy was supposed to be a prick. Even Kayle approves. It's unreal. Just makes me think ... a lot.

You like to please me, yeah I like that.

It's funny, he is really beginning to act like a boyfriend now. The whole picking me up everywhere at any time, doing me all these favours, being cute and cuddely; even holding my hand in public and putting his arms around me. It's all a bit overwhelming really because my heart just feels so full right now and I feel great about myself because I see how attracted to me he is that for once I am more than enough for one person, he doesn't want me to be any different. He's making all these plans for when my exams finish, I can't wait! Another interesting thing is that I must've gone round his house a dozen times now and we still haven't had sex, plenty of fooling around but nothing else, it's literally the perfect relationship.

We had so much last night, drinking whisky and watching YouTube, spent a bit of time with the family downstairs. His mum kept going on about how she wished I'd gone to Spain with them etc and how she saw this girl that looked a little like me and then Ross butted in 'She didn't have anything on Eve, and her boyfriend was a twat!'. I couldn't stop laughing, it was great. We then went back upstairs and chatted a bit more and ended up cuddling watching the office til way too late. Didn't get a lift with Chris in the end because Ross wouldn't let me leave so he walked me home in the end. It took SO long! So funny though. Never laughed so much on the way back from a night out; he was fairly out off it too which made it all the funnier. We eventually got to mine so he made sure I was safe, we said a long good bye and we set off back for that awful walk. He didn't even know where he was going so that worried me a bit but he ended up getting back alright, maybe a little scared as most of hte journey was pitch black and this was about 1am in the morning on a full moon. None the less we had so much banter yet again, I couldn't stop laughing, he must think I'm a loon. Especially when I added Housey and we spent like 20 mins talking to her taking the complete piss.

When we were texting after he left, I sent him this facebook post saying

'The Offiiiiice. More more more. Kthxbi.' and all he replied was 'k'

so I texted him having a go...

'Definitely not a suitable reply! x'

'Why? I think it summed it up beautifully. x'

'Think your wife's worth more than 'K'. x'

'Of course she is! She's worth half a bottle of Jim Bean.... Plus an hour walk. x'

'Ok, that's fair enough hubs. You win... this time! x'

'Ha. *every time! Night wifey. Kisses x.'

'Kisses'! Kisses? This is coming from a 6'' something huge muscely guy. Literally I felt so coy, cutest thing ever. Then I try argue with myself that he's only playing me. He's awful. The biggest gentleman I have ever met. Maybe Neps is right, they're not that bad afterall. Just must not fall for him now... Much anyway.

6 days until freedom!!!!

Welcome home hubby.

My head is just full of revision right now but ... Eeeee. Couldn't be more excited as Ross is coming back home tomorrow!!!!!!! I know I may have passed the borderline of pathetic a long time ago but I don't care. Definitely seeing him Tuesday after my long bad arse revision session and 3 hour General Studies exam; waste of time. Anyway, I don't really know even what to say because it'll only be for a few hours but still, it'll be a nice kiss and cuddle again. Woo! Literally feel like such an idiot however I believe after a week with his parents annoying him and couples everywhere 'making him feel like shit.' I'm sure he's more excited to see me than I am to see him.

Sometimes, people just tend to out-grow each other.

That's a very honest title and that is exactly what happened between me and Petr. I have changed so much in the past year; it's called growing up and we were just no longer suited. I outgrew him unfortunately and he couldn't keep up, that's what went wrong. I just need someone else right now, nothing with so much pressure and expectation, not having to question the future. I'm being questioned enough right now, about the future, babies, marriage and I just don't need to be questioned about where my relationship is leading also.

This is why this Ross thing is so brilliant, he knows this is only temporary and it's great just being adored for a while although he is starting to look at the future a little like asking about whether I think Swansea is too far etc but nonetheless, it has no pressure whatsoever, unless he turns his life around a good 180 degrees and starts doing something with his life: however this is highly unlikely.I hate that I'm even thinking of a relationship possibility in the future. I think one of the things he likes about me is that I'm free spirited and don't want to lie him down, if I started having expectations, I'd be let down; it's pretty simple.

Right now it's all great fun, planning to spend all the time we can together, every free minute. Making up plans for exciting adventures, things I've wanted to do for years, like Thorpe Park. Woo :D Also a secret day out in Windsor doing things that only locals know about because he's got family there. It's just great. Eee, couldn't be more excited! Keep singing 'Can’t you hear that boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom, bass
Yeah that’s that super bass' by Nicki Minaj, just so smiley and excited for this summer. The scary thing is that I'll miss him loads when I go to Czech and that shouldn't happen. It should be interesting. Needless to say, Im' taking things one leap at a time, a little more than a step it seems. It's just a shame that these two week are my most free weeks and he's away or in college the whole time which makes things so much more difficult. On the other hand, he got fired from work today which means that he'll have much more free time for meee. Although less cash I suppose which means that I need to make sure he buys me things before it all runs out. Or we could just spend more time at his watching the OC, not a bad idea. Or, even better, considering it's summer, there's plenty to do outside for no money, or little money. As he said to me though, it doesn't matter as we still have others company. What a loser saying that kinda thing but it's sweet and as I said the other night, I've now seen his softer more vulnerable side thus I know he is a nice guy, not as much of a prick as first anticipated.

It's such a great distraction during revision because I'm so happy right now, adrenaline pumping whilst I'm working: it's perfect. Much better than having to worry about relationship problems like during my January exams, that made things so much worse.

Can't wait to see him though, that's the bottom line. I feel so smug with him, we are the couple that everyone stares at, it's amazing. The muscly guy with the designer clothes and sun glasses, perfectly casual yet styled hair, revving around in a gorgeous shiny black sports car: good music on, not too loud and tacky though, getting out and opening the door for the tall toned girl with long blond hair, shiny white teeth in a dress and heels, legs and tits out. People do honestly stop and stare, it's hilarious because I didn't think either of us were good looking enough for that. It's the best summer fling, couldn't have better luck. Yet when I'm with him we just dress down to trackies or shorts or whatever and relax acting like lads. Of course, I'm still a pathetic girly lad compared to him but regardless, it's great fun being able to act like a lad yet still be seen as sexy!

Plus I'm determined to have another Nandos with him soon, the last one was lush. Of course he photographed it, being such a momentous moment and all. Nothing better than a Nandos. Woo!!

There is a very thing line here.

'eve

you know

i will continue to look out for you

i will fight for your happiness

i just wish u would make it easier on me

and just try what i say.'

 

 

Kayle Mansel McLeish, you don't even realise just how grateful I am to have you. However, I am warning you, if you carry on being this amazing, I will fall in love with you one day and you never know when that will be and then you won't be able to get rid of me. You're digging yourself a hole which one of us will fall in one day: it's likely to be me. I just wish there were more of you or we could've made this work before we soidified this friend thing. It would be so much easier ... PRICK!!

Bad boy you got my heartbeat runnin' away.

That’s the kind of dude I was lookin’ for
And yes you’ll get slapped if you’re lookin’ hoe
I said, excuse me you’re a hell of a guy
I mean my, my, my, my you’re like pelican fly
I mean, you’re so shy and I’m loving your tie
You’re like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye, oh

Boy you got my heartbeat runnin’ away
Beating like a drum and it’s coming your way
Can’t you hear that boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom, bass
Yeah that’s that super bass

See I need you in my life for me to stay
No, no, no, no, no I know you’ll stay
No, no, no, no, no don’t go away
Boy you got my heartbeat runnin’ away
Don’t you hear that heartbeat comin’ your way
Oh it be like, boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom, bass
Can’t you hear that boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom, bass

Come back home already, you've only been gone a few hours but I miss you already. Being gone another week just isn't cool.I need my husband here with me, not away on holiday with lots of hot half naked Spanish girls nearby. Jealous? I didn't think so but hell I am.

'I might check you in when I get there, will that help?'- Ross.

I've only just admitted what's been bugging me the whole evening and why everything has gotten to me tonight. It's because I know I won't see Ross until next Wednesday at the earliest which means a week and a half. That's so long and I'm not used to that right now, just seems strange. Especially after last night, I don't want him to leave for that long. What's been bugging me is this... I'll miss him whilst he's away. I'll miss him. I never thought this would happen, he's a complete prick and I would like to punch him half the time, but the other half, he's the perfect gentleman, showing that he really cares. Which he shouldn't!! Just perfect. I'll really miss him. Fuck. Next thing you know I'll be saying I love him. FML.

Death by Housey. Close call.

I thought I was going to die at the end of my shift today. I was just finishing off, taking the laundry upstairs (into enemy territory where they all hate me) however the people that hate me aren't normally in at the weekend so I thought I'd get by with an awkward silence and wheeling my small pathetic trolley past as fast as I could. I never expect to run into the scariest hater of all. .Housey'. Otherwise known as Stacey, the girl that likes Ross. Her best friend is Lizzie, the girl who won't stop pestering the lads even though they've been trying to get rid of her for months. As the lads respect me more than her because I'm my own person and won't be swayed by them, he hates me to the extent of trying to bitch about me at work, well that back fired on her. Anyway, regardless, it is clear they both pretty much hate me, more so because me and Ross are no longer just a joke and he asked to bring me to Lizzie's birthday (I'd never go), anyway, she is constantly getting beaten over the head with that fact that we're seeing a lot of each other and her & House (& even Natalie, my boss' and a surrogate mother's daughter) have constant growing hatred inside them.

Guess which one is Housey! The one above her is Lizzie... This isn't a horrific picture but the only one I could get off her considering I'm obviously not friends with her on facebook. Nor Lizzie.

So, back to today. I was chatting in the lift upstairs and then went out of it by myself and wheeled my heavy trolley around the corner and almost physically wheeled it into Housey. She was standing there, leaning against the wall in her polo shirt, bling, tattoos on show, pitch black spiky hair and dark rimmed thick glasses, hunched over just glaring at me with the biggest death stare I'd ever seen. I tried to look away as fast as I could and give her a sort of condolence smile but all of that failed fairly quickly. Just as I managed to swerve around her in the tiny corridor, I plodded away as fast as I could not knowing whether to laugh or cry. Then as soon as I thought I was far away enough, I turned around to see where she was and she was standing behind me, following me at my heels. I turned around as quick as I could and just uttered a little scared peep. After all, there was nobody in Laundry and it's separated by several sound proof doors. She is over twice the size of me and truly hates me. I thought she was going to kill me with that death stare, she gangster walked straight behind me and into laundry and then just at the last minute where I was getting ready for a violent episode or at least a mouth full, she turned into the staff changing rooms away from me. I turned into laundry and laughed a little, so happy the fright was over. Couldn't believe it. I was actually shaking a little: she is huge!! (and I'm currently pretty much skin and bone so she could quite easily snap me considering I'm fairly certain she does boxing). I came downstairs & mum was just starting her shift, I was like' Okay worst ending to a good shift ever!' I couldn't stop smirking, still haven't, that nervous laughter and happiness to still be alive is still present. She is so much bigger than I remembered, the hatred was seeping through. Ross better appreciate this, it's like all the girls there are cat fighting over him. What is this? He's great and all but not perfect, by far ( ;) ) yet all love him. 'Ridicccc!'

Thank god I dodged the bullet.

I don't ever want to leave here.

I had a great day today. Another amazing afternoon with Ross, finally listened to this song in the car agai nand it made me remember (or he told me) its' name. I can't quite bring myself to talk about today yet, I have too much of a migraine to make sense of ti all. Nothing bad; only overwhelming. It's just not what I expected, he's actually such an amazing guy, not just a prick as I thought. All that he does for me is genuine not just to try get me into bed so it's all just a mind blur right now.

I need sleep, g'night.

- Eve Anna x

Hate & love this song all at the same time.

If I could have this moment for life.

Fo' life..

No I'm not lucky, I'm blessed.

2009-2011.

Just my favorite pictures from my last day at college with my lovelies. Thought this momentous occassion deserved one blog at least and what better than a description of pictures? No (a few) words required.

Normal.

Casual.

Me & my fav girlie; Lilly.

Lucy.

10 year friendship still going strong.

Couldn't decide between these two photos..

My pet. Again, typical...

Unstoppable trio, ha.

Favorite tutor for 2 years..

Rachel ;)

The Chins 2011. (Repeat of The Chins 2010)

(The chins 2010.)

Again, my favorite girlie. Lots of love xoxo.

An unforgetable 2 years at college! If I could post all the pictures here I would but it woudl take years. Just 2 more here to finish off my college collection from the Leavers photo day.

'How does it feel to be out past 22:30?'

And it felt good.

It doens't matter that I was on my way home but still, I was out, with Ross.

I had the best afternoon. The morning was a little rocky with Sophie coming round crying and me having to take care of her but still, the afternoon... I mean what can I say? The OC, The Stranglers (really not as great a film as Ross said it would be), Q.I., McDonald's McFlurry and kisses & cuddles. Definitely not complaining. I mean it's just so great, this no pressure thing, I can't get enough of it. Another great thing here is that he's so into his fitness so he understands that dieting and exercise thing, working out and just how important look good is, how hard it is to keep up. Thus he appreciates the way I look. I laughed so much today, I almost had to leave so we were just sat on the side of the bed chatting and all of a sudden he grabbed me and lifted me up just how I was sitting and sat me on top of him. Just like that, no strenght required, just as if I were a pillow. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly obese but I'm not the lightest creature, especially with all this exercise, I've put on a fair amount of muscle weight, yet he just did it as if it was easy. I laughed so much and all this for a cuddle. So adorable.

It still gets to me that he hasn't tried to sleep with me, nothing like that. I tested it today especially, wore lots of layers 'to take off' as Sophie said to see if the prick instinct would kick in but it didn't, he didn't try anything. Amazing. I don't quite know what to do with it, I'm glad of course but it's so strange knowing just how attracted he is to me (his little buddy gave him away today. LOL) however he has the best self control, maybe he senses that I'm just not ready or he's compromising as he knows he won't get a relationship out of me. I don't know. Either way, it's a very gentleman thing to do, new to me as we didn't even have to discuss it. It's an unspoken understanding. Yet he still pays for me for everything, introduced me to his family again, gives me food and drink and a warm place to spend the day. More so when it's a horrible day like today, no better way to spend it than under the sheets in trackies just having a bit of a cuddle with the original gorge muscle man; a rom- com and a horror where he wrapped his muscly bisceps tightly around me, especially during the scary bits where I could bury my head in his chest. Can't complain!!

Highlight of my day though however (asides from the company) was quite possibly the revelation of just how delicious McDonalds is, yet again. We went out for dinner, or a drive through and back to bed as we couldn't go out dressed as we were, anyway I got some chips and an Oreo McFlurry. Oh my god! It was actually so amazing, definitely worth all my calories for the day. No regrets ha.

Oh, found a photo on my phone from Saturday when we were out at the pub watching the football.

What a night.

& funniest picture ever.

- Eve Anna x

'The timing in this house is a thing of beauty.' - Seth Cohen.

So speaking of beautiful timing ... I met Ross' parents today. Hahahaha!!

Literally the best thing ever, he really scared me cos he's been telling me all these stories about them and then I met them. Like shyly walked in the living room where they were watching TV 'Hey. I'm Eve. Nice to meet you.' SO Awkward! Like.. I haven't been here for the past 6 hours watching The OC. Priceless. I mean it wasn't my finest moment, mostly because I didn't really want to meet them. It's getting scarily towards a relationship place now, he shows that he actually cares and I don't like that. I mean... I guess I do but I don't want to because this is supposed to be nothing and has no future but its becoming a little difficult.

It was little gestures confusing me before but now it's at that obvious point where I know he cares for me. He holds my hand and hugs me, brushes me hair out of my face and all I want to do is push him away but I don't, I go along with it feeling confused. I mean I like being with him but not enough for a relationship, I'm not prepared for this, especially when he knows about Petr and how much that hurts me still and that I'm going away in a bit and then even though I'm back, I'll be going to university in October. God I can't believe I'm even thinking about this. It's ridiculous but I think it's more the principle. Like I already know that I couldn't last with him because he's unreliable but still it makes me feel great that someone like him has fallen for me.

Before I had everything under such control but that completely went out the window. The quick good bye kiss and no other affection just hanging out. Poof. It was probably just because we were so relaxed but the walls finally fell and I took my guard down. I let him kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, whenever I felt like it. I even let him have his arm around me a snuggled up to him. I never thought that would happen as that's a sign of affection, vulnerability. However, much to my dismay I have to say I like him now, truly. I can't say that he's just a prick that I don't care about of what happens because I do. Shit. I mean it's not like I care too much or let alone love him, I don't think I ever would be able to but nonetheless, this is way more than this casual dating thing was meant to be. Especially as he's such a gentleman to me, any other guy today would've taken my clothes off and slept with me there and then. I mean we were there for hours, watching the OC, chatting, never touching, not even when sitting next to each other and he didn't do anything. Okay he tried to push me off the bed once but that's different!! Anyway, it was hours before he even put his arm around me and I lay down on his chest and it just developed from there. Nothing happened though, making out, that is all and that's what makes me think. I mean, I've never met a guy like that, let alone a football 'stud', he's so sincere with me...

I don't know what to think, this is coming to unclear waters now. The boundaries seem to be melting away and I don't like the prospect of it, however I'm not going to fight it because it's nice.

Don't hold back, it's nice to see somebody make an effort.

Don't hold back

It's nice to see somebody make an effort

You know I like it in the street lights

Like, like, like the spotlight

Do you like me?

I la-la-love this track

So if you wanna come with me you should know

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like this beat, yes

Crazy and infectious

I'm a give my business

Boy my resume says "I'm a bad girl"

Closer baby look in my eyes

Do you recognize me?

I've been a bad girl

I'm a bad girl, I'm notorious

I'm a outlaw

I'm the big boss

I'm a ganster

On the dancefloor

I'm a outlaw

I'm the big boss

I'm a ganster

On the dancefloor

Boy beware

I got a record and I'm known for my style

And everybody knows my name here

I'm the head of game here

Pleasure and the pain, yeah

Because my resume says "I'm a bad girl"

Closer baby look in my eyes

Do you recognize me?

I've been a bad girl

I'm a bad girl, I'm notorious

I'm a outlaw

I'm the big boss

I'm a ganster

On the dancefloor

I'm a outlaw

I'm the big boss

I'm a ganster

On the dancefloor

Baby tell me can you get it from my energy

I've been a bad girl

I'm a bad girl, I'm notorious

I'm a outlaw

I'm the big boss

I'm a gangster

On the dancefloor

Closer baby look in my eyes

Do you recognize me?

I've been a bad girl

I'm a bad girl, I'm notorious

I'm a outlaw

I'm the big boss

I'm a ganster

On the dancefloor

I'm a outlaw

I'm the big boss

I'm a ganster

On the dancefloor

I'm notorious

Lots of love to my girls.

Last night was actually amazing. Went out with the girls for a quiet drink in the afternoon & turned out to be a true and proper old English pub crawl. Had so much fun, ended up stumbling back home on my own in the pitch black on the phone to Kayle so I wouldn't get raped. Of course, many drunken texts which made me cringe in the morning but we just laughed for hours and hours, chatted etc and got through so much wine. Nicola and me were drinking wine where as Gloria was drinking double vodka soda lime and we ended up getting through a bottle and a half each & a large glass in the first pub so basically two bottles each. I mean how is this possible? It was safe to say we were sloshed. Nicola was the best drunk, kept talking to me about this Ross thing, making it look like such a dilema and wouldn't believe me when I said I was fine because we were just hanging out. She didn't believe me. She was like, you're constantly with him, going out on dates, you're not just friends and I said no but nothing had happened etc. She was just so sweet, she's such a funny drunk. Amazing. Ross gave me a lift home today from work and I swear she wanted to give him a pep talk or something. Brilliant.

Anyway, I guess it didn't help that when I met the girls yesterday, Ross dropped me off cos we'd gone strawberry picking after work. Yes, actually strawberry picking at Holme Grange, Pick Your Own. So funyn as there were barely any strawberries yet so we walked around moaning for an hour then sat down, chatted, ate most of the strawberries that we'd picked and went back with two tiny punnets. But at least it was cheap and fun, definitely not complaining. We had a great time, I managed to drop the whole punnet of strawberries, probably the funniest thing, he just laughed at me. We also had a strawberry fight, a fight in general and I ended up with random pink splodges all over my clothes and mud in my sandals, which I then had to go out with afterwards because I didn't have time to go home and change. It was great, even ujust a quick 2 hours before we both had to go. He invited me to his football trophy presentation but it was too short notice so I couldn't go, would have been so funny seeing all the guys in suits and being introduced as Ross' fiance to his coaches.

It's just been so good like this. No pressure, nothing. Just company.

3 bottles in one place alone.

Cruisin'

All good and cool singing along to this in the car with Ross this afternoon until the CD skipped & I looked like a right dick. Such a tune though. Said it reminded him of me with that cheeky wink of his. He's such a prick. His claws are coming out which makes it all the more fun. Spent the first hour of this afternoon with the oldies at Dinton Pastures today which was hilarious. Except Kelly asking whether we were actually an item and Ross was like that's up to her. Made me cringe. I couldn't just say no but I don't think we are... Anyway, that made us cringe for a while... or rather me. As far as the old people are concerned we are married though. Dora is writing a story about our wedding. We got married this morning apparently. It's so amazing. She kept telling me I looked like a princess in my wedding dress i.e. a normal top, ironically white. So brilliant. Unfortunately we didn't get paid for our good deed of spending an hour or so at Dinton with the oldies however he then took me to the most gorgeous pub in Warfield. Literally a few minutes away from Henley right by the river. We sat there in the sun just pissing around but none the less the place itself is absolutely lush. It's nice he took the effort to take me there as it's a a longer drive away as well so wasting petrol. Anyway, lovely afternoon filled with plenty of abuse and banter. We're going out on the boats in Caversham tomorrow as he's treating me after my exam, and his, he has one in the morning, some multiple choice shit. Brilliant. Anyway, will be so nice if the weather stays the same. If not then we'll have an OC or Flight of the Concords marathon equipped with trackies and beer. Chilled. As I predicted, just a casual hang out. Nothing is happening at all :)

We know we might not get tomorrow.

Me not working hard?

Yea right picture that with a kodak

And better yet, go to times square

Take a picture of me with a kodak

Took my life from negative to positive

And I just want y'all know that

And tonight, let's enjoy life

Tonight I will love love you tonight

Give me everything tonight

For all we know we might not get tomorrow

Let's do it tonight

I will love love you tonight

Give me everything tonight

For all we know we might not get tomorrow

Lets do it tonight

Don’t care what they say

All the games they play

Nothing is enough

Till they handle love (Lets do it tonight)

I want you tonight, I want you today

I want you tonight

Grab somebody sexy tell ‘em hey

Give me everything tonight

Give me everything tonight

Give me everything tonight

Give me everything tonight

Get busy tonight

Cuz to more and more to do bad before and for Prius

Desperate tonight

I can make you my queen

And make love to you eanless

This is insane, the way the name growin’, money keep flowin’

Hustlers move aside, so I’m tiptoein, keep flowin’

I gotta locked up like Lindsay Lohan

Put it on my life baby

I can make you feel right baby

I can’t promise tomorrow

But I promise tonight

Dale

Excuse me

But I might drink a little bit more than I should tonight

And I might take you home with me if I could tonight

And I think you should let me cause I look good tonight

And we might not get tomorrow

Tonight I will love love you tonight

Give me everything tonight

For all we know we might not get tomorrow

Lets do it tonight

I will love love you tonight

Give me everything tonight

For all we know we might not get tomorrow

Lets do it tonight

Lets do it tonight

Don’t care what they say

All the games they play

Nothing is enough

Till they handle love (Lets do it tonight)

I want you tonight, I want you today

I want you tonight

Grab somebody sexy tell ‘em hey

Give me everything tonight

Give me everything tonight

Give me everything tonight

Give me everything tonight

Grab somebody sexy tell ‘em hey

Give me everything tonight

Give me everything tonight

Give me everything tonight

Give me everything tonight

Reach for the stars

And if you don’t grab em, at least you’re on top of the world

Think about it

Cuz if you slip I’m gonna fall on top of you girl

Put on ‘em ball when they sleep at the Macy’s

And it ain’t no secret

My granny’s from Cuba but I’m an American

Tied over money like Seacrest

Put it on my life baby

I can make you feel right baby

I can’t promise tomorrow

But I promise tonight

Dale

Excuse me

But I might drink a little bit more than I should tonight

And I might take you home with me if I could tonight

And I think you should let me cause I look good tonight

And we might not get tomorrow

Tonight I will love love you tonight

Give me everything tonight

For all we know we might not get tomorrow

Let's do it tonight

I will love love you tonight

Give me everything tonight

For all we know we might not get tomorrow

Lets do it tonight

Don’t care what they say

All the games they play

Nothing is enough

Till they handle love (Lets do it tonight)

I want you tonight, I want you today

I want you tonight

Grab somebody sexy tell ‘em hey

Give me everything tonight

Give me everything tonight

Give me everything tonight

Give me everything tonight

It's too late, you've got it.

Listen, now I'm strong baby,

I bring the fire on.

Sharp shooter,

you can call me the zion.

I'm not the one,

easy to get to.

But all that's changed ...

- Eve Anna x

Maybe we can find a place for eachother.

Cannot believe I actually like a Charlie Simpson solo debut. But hats off to this one, gorgeous. Not quite quite like Bon Iver who he's being compared to but much better than his Bused and Fightstar days. Much better solo. I love how he still has such a distinct voice; any old school Busted fan will know exactly what I mean.

Proof.

Here is literaly proof that Ross is in fact a complete prick. Doesn't make me like him any less because it's hilarious and we have a good time but nonetheless, I could never ever EVER be in a relationship with him. I would kill him!!

Primarily, last night, we all just went for a drink, or several and it resulted him in randomly trying to take his clothes off in the middle of Reading to passers by. Priceless...

Although, I got my own back today. Out with the Reeves team on the slip 'o' slide in Ross' garden and he had to spend the first hour mowing the lawn while the rest of us were joking around the slide and sunbathing (yes in my new bikini :D) and drinking... until it got too cold that is. Again, proof ... Ha, prick <3.



I guarantee.

Things are as they should be. Yeah I miss you but I feel as if this was the right decision and that we're both happier of it as a result. It just feels like there is no pressure for anything but studies anymore, maybe it was the best time. The going out makes it better I guess. I'm enjoying the sneaking around. Going out with Ross and Charlie sometimes when I say I'm at college. Yesterday was the first day I actually told mum where I was and the thrill just sorta went out of it. Actually that's a lie, it just decreased a little I suppose. I just feel so hyped up at the moment, I refuse to stop for one minute, constantly occupied doing something so I don't have time to think. That's why I feel as if I'm having so much fun, simple thing entertain me.

The pleasure is unknown: the passion is true.

Jack Vettriano.

This Ross thing is great as well though. I mean all we do is hang out, nothing else. He doesn't want to be my boyfriend and god forbid, I don't want to be his girlfriend but when we have a minute he'll give me a call & we'll meet up. Playing up on the work thing a little. A lot. All we do is sit there and laugh for hours, take the piss out of everyone. All the girls that fancy him at work, the people that walk past, each other. That is literally all but it's exactly what I need right now. A guy to just go out with, to buy me a drink but not expect anything off me. He doesn't expect anything because he is such a lad, he spends all his free time with the guys and therefore I will always come after that which suits me just fine. No commitment, nothing happening, just two people going out for drinks, having a laugh and acting like we're engaged at work just for the laughs. It just what I need, he knows I'm going off for the summer and to university and doesn't want anything. I just hope that it's true, it'd be a whole other issue if he started truly liking me because I don't want that but that's not happening, he won't. It's platonic. As far as I know, he has no expectations, neither do I. Nothing happening, enjoying each other's company for the laughs. No pressure, no questions, nothing. Perfect for the time being. Keeping my mind off reality and the fact that I've lost someone who I cared about so much, the trust and the forever. It just seems to have gone ...

' I guarantee you miss me, because you changed the way you kiss me.'

- Eve Anna x

Quote of the day:

Gosia came back to work from Poland today so straight at 8am I received a panicked text from Ross saying oh no, here goes the acting. He was reffering to our fake engagement and our love that we're making up at work because they want to hear it so much. We decided that we'd try to feed them as much bullshit as possible hence the 'engagement' on facebook. Anyway so she came back to work tomorrow & straight away texted me

'Ross is working today :)' because I said I'd stop by work after college. I replied saying

'I know, he's dropping me off home after I come to work to see you.'

'Oo, I sense romance in the air:)).'

'We're enjoying just eachother's company lots, it's nice.'

'What does your boyfriend think about you male companion?'

'We broke up last week.'

'Enjoy Ross.'

I mean, I'd just acted my side of the texts, taking the piss. It's not like me & Ross have actually seen each other, this is all just a joke but still, I wasn't expecting. 'Enjoy Ross', 'ENJOY ROSS!!!' Who says that? Of course, I was in fits of laughter in the middle of my law lesson. Later on I also received a text going 'He has really interesting lips.' I was actually on the floor in hysterics. Who says that? Brilliant. Ross couldn't believe it, he was like 'She keeps staring at me and then looking down and giggling & texting on her phone. Are you texting?' It was just priceless. A text later on going 'I think I'm going to jump out of a window. She just keeps beaming at me.'

It is literally the most hilarious thing in the world, I couldnt' show up at work in the end because I couldn't keep a straight face because it was all just too funny. Just about managed to get a lift home with Ross, laughign the whole way. He was just like, 'Get out the car you idiot!' Brilliant. I've made a great friend. This joke is going to get so much better.

I love Gosia.

'ENJOY ROSS!'

Quote of the day.

Just wanted to note that this is the car I've been cruising around in lately. Yum. The idiot drives like a proper boy racer, heard him driving down Woosehill Lane today after he dropped me off today. The full revving, I just burst out laughing. LOL

Games of Power.

I love you Jack Vettriano.

I cannot actually decide which is my favorite piece by this man, he's incredible. & a real charmer as I discovered first hand back in October 2010.

Real appreciation.

I received this message from the lady who died on Sunday with me, her son. Really made me feel like we make a difference at West Oak. He's one in a million that man, truly amazing. His disability doesn't stop him and you can see just how much he loved his mum. I almost cried when I read this.

Thankyou Eve,

Thankyou for all that you do and have done for everyone in the nusing home. We all need the help when we cant do the things that we used to do by ourselves and rely on others, please pass on our thanks and love to the carers in the home.

I guess its going to seem strange for quite some time to come. Good Mums are rarer than diamonds and you only get one, so go and give your Mum a big hug and a kiss, say that it comes from me.

Once again, Thankyou and take care.

Have a big hug and a kiss from me xxxx

Pete.

- Eve Anna x

I know Eve....

Again, another sign of just how much I should value my friends. They are amazing. One minute I was talking to Sam about psychology work and the next he asked if I was okay with everything so I explained how it was that it's so difficult but I won't let how hurt I am show and how I was dealing with it all and he just turned around and said...

'I know Eve, you're a really strong person.'

The conversation commenced and he said if I needed to talk he was here and I said no but that I might want a hug next time I feel down so he said...

'Yeah sure, you know I like how you're all sensitive and stuff but sometimes you're like well, pull yourself together like now. Expectations to be strong 'n' all. You're incredible.'

He's made me feel like I'm really getting somewhere this time, I'm learning from past experiences and that other people see that I'm no longer just a little girl and that there is more to me than seems.

THANK YOU SAM xoxo

.

Ha, you've broken me. Well done. Be proud.

It's interesting how so much can change within a matter of days. It can't be said towards better or worse, but I feel as if I've learnt just how important true priorities are. I mean I'm far too young for any big romance, I feel completely ruined by this stupid break up. So shit. But I have to move on, concentrate on exams and the rest of my life because damn, I have to live it to the full so I can achieve everything I want and not have regrets. Everything teaches me a lesson, and I have to learn from everything and yes this may mean I get hurt but I have to then move on. I won't let it hurt me more than I can help it.

Firstly, I've realised just how many people are there for me. Especially one person, a friend that I wouldn't expect to care but as soon as he saw it, he let me know that whatever I needed, I had his support. I mean on Friday, I don't remember anything past 7pm because I was so drunk. Sophie just looked after me for the evening and my parents had to take me home, this showed just how upset I am and I haven't been okay since. I just don't want to let Petr know that, I'd rather he be angry at me than to seem that vulnerable. Now we're over, I won't show him that side of me. But anyway, being that paralytic, I just called my mum. Sophie called Ross but I didn't want him to help me out like that, it's weird & I'd feel like I was in his debt somehow. He said he could've taken care of me and taken me home but we all know what that means so I said no. But anyway, I woke up at 5am because of a storm, still drunk. I mean I made a mess but my phone was filled with texts of people worried about me. Surprisingly from Simone, I didn't have his number and it was a weird text... reading it drunk and tired didn't help and I didn't know what set it off so I thought it was a wrong number but the next night I lay in bed thinking about it and realised it was him. He saw Petr change the relationship status on facebook so he was concerned. Can't say I was more surprised but it was nice to know that he cares. The more I read into the text, the more I see it has a double meaning. He says he has lost his balance, now it could be a lot of things but the text was quite strange and my mum seems to think it means a whole other thing. None the less, that makes no difference to me right now, I'm just grateful he showed me that he's here. He's special, I envy him so much and I hope he's going to be a life long friend and it looks like he wants this too. Anyway ... Also, a few people checked up on the next day because I was really bad at work. I was being sick the whole time, barely made it through my shift and I still feel terrible. Obviously I hadn't had time to text anybody and Ross came in at 1pm to see if I was alive. It was so funny, I'd just been sick and I had no make up, hair everywhere, glasses, felt like death and as I walked out the loo he was just walking past. So embarrassing. We said he was on his way to town and just wanted to check if I'd died in a ditch somewhere. Lovely. I guess it was cos I didn't text back or call or anything and I'd been such a mess. But anyway, we chatted for a bit whilst he helped me finish off my work and then he left and I went home with mum. He laughed at me though and told me I was a mess. It's hilarious. Charlie came into work today and we had a little chat and he confirmed everything the guys did on the Saturday after (Ross's birthday) and apparently it was just as horrific. Ross texted me the details and even tried to call at 3am but I wasn't having any of it so I told him to go away and went back to bed. Anyway, it was really nice to see Charlie and even funnier because now I know about him & Kala, it's so obvious they are together. It was so difficult not to say anything, I just kept laughing to myself.

Speaking of work, a big thing happened today. Pat Broberg died today whilst me & Nicola were in her room today, it was such a strange thing to experience. We were just saying good bye to her and a tear trickled down her face and she choked and that was it. She was gone, her face was just completely stone cold. She just looked as if she were asleep. So peaceful. It was such a shock, we had to note the exact time and what had happened and then they closed her eyes and mouth, laid her bed down and placed the blanket over it. It was over, just like that. It seems so weird, not like I've seen a dead person whatsoever only someone letting go of their shell, as my friend said. I can't quite shake the feeling off. So much seems to be altering, a new chapter opening. It feels ever so lonely, yet ever so fulfilling. And I feel supported. By my friends and family, the people I love who have been here for years and years and they love me; they have and always will be for me. That is final. And the fact that I'm going to get these grades for this damn degree.

But don't get me wrong. Petr thinks I'm a bitch etc but what he doesn't know is that he has broken me as much as he could. I don't want to love. It's not going to happen. I'm a closed library book. Borrow me but never have me for yourself, I won't be one persons anymore. Too much pain, too much loss. Petr feels so sorry for himself but what he doesn't realise that I've been a bitch to him so it's easier for him to be okay quicker, so he closes this chapter as quickly as possible. I've ruined our relationship but he'll be okay quickly. & I'll be fine too, on my own, making my own mistakes, being independent. Without Ross (despite what Petr thinks), without ANY guy.

Take me to wonderwland, I dare ya.

'You do the stupidest things when you're in love.'

Do two wrongs make a right? No, but that doesn't mean two wrongs aren't fun. He is the wrong guy in every single way but hey, why not? It seems to be at the right time. Exactly what I need to take my mind off it all.

I got a call from Ross as I was walking from the station Wokingham telling me to turn around & as I did he was just standing there giving me a little cheeky wave. I went up to him and he asked if I was free for a drink so I said why not. We ended up having a few hours, getting interrupted by the people from work which made things a little awkward but still, it was a great time. I mean yes, he's not boyfriend material. Yes, he's a bit of a cunt. Yes, it's solely a bit of very risky fun. But hey, this is exactly what I need right now, something to hold me over til after exams and I can go to Spain. And for that, this guy is absolutely perfect. attractive, asshole, just my fling type. I mean when we have a conversation, I have to pretend to be confident bitch Eve; the girl that goes out and gets who she wants, when she wants and shows it. She pretends like she's the shit and that the guy wants her so he better do everything to get it. This is a new game I've thought about and am pretty willing to experiment with. A new confidence, no looking back, no thinking, just fun and a self esteem boost. I act like someone completely different when I'm with him. From the texting, to the seeing him at work. Purposely flaunting myself because I know I can. All of this is, because I can. Acting like I know he wants me, because I know. As I said, this is all new to me, a completely new game, but then why not? Anything to make myself feel better. To get back to the old me, no dependency on any man. Just pure fun.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night actually, a break from revision. Dressing up and going out. Drinks with Sophie, a gig then a while in either Reading or Wokingham for a few drinks possibly seeing Ross. Actually, that's a lie. I'm seeing him straight after college. He's picking me up from college, dropping me at home, waiting for me to change & then taking me to Reading for a few drinks to wait for Sophie. In his gorgeous jet black sports car. Yum. Ha. As I said, none of this is any genuine like, purely lust. His personality baffles me; hasn't achieved anything in life and he's a hooligan thus straight away any true feelings have disappeared. However, all the superficial benefits are there thus I'm satisfied for him to take me out a few times before I jet off to Spain. It'll be nice for him to see me a little dressed up. I mean Tuesday wasn't exactly a shabby day and he was very smiley but still. Heels and tight clothing, always does the trick.

I guess I'm just excited to have fun I guess... Let's see if he can measure up to the bad boy exterior. Apparently he's a nice guy, that I don't want to hear. This is purely an experiment to keep me occupied and to see if I can pull off the bad girl exterior and make him even more putty in my hands than he already is.

Don't you ever get to thinking...

You know your boyfriend loves you when, on Easter day, you tell him that your mother has beaten you up and has trashed your whole room and he writes back with 'sorry ;)'.

That is love.

Well done, you manage to break me.

I feel the same as I did a year and a half ago. Lost. Empty. Ill. Alone. Broken. This isn't rigt. I feel like w've already broken up, the fact that you're telling me to date another guy makes it look like you're giving up on me. On my faith. Yeah I get that this is hard on you & I've tried quietly this whole time to make you trust me again but it's not good enough & I feel like we've broken up already. I'm terrified. I just believe that once we break up so definitely then that's it and there are no second chances because that's when my trust will go because I'll think you don't have faith in the relationship, that I am nothing but property to you. The fact that you're so sure that I will always come back to you makes me think that you don't value that you have me, you just think that it's a certainty that I will always love you. It's ridiculous because how can you think that? Right now, I want to go back to my old self. The one night stand girl. Not complicated, just out to have fun. No strings attatched. No hurt or pain except the odd one night of crying over feeling so alone but any one night stand could fix that. Now I'm sat here feeling like it's the end of it all with tears streaming down my face and feeling sick to the pit of my stomach. Why did I ever do this? Why couldn't I just stay one night stand girl? All I've been doing is trying to prove that I am good enough, for the last 6 months, and I've just seemed to maek things worse. I try to seem okay and powerful but I'm so vulnerable and it all just hurts. I need you to love me and trust me because I'd do anything for you and I can't bear to lose you: however in my head, I already have, the fact that you don't trust me is as well as saying 'I don't want a future with you & I don't love you.' It has the same effect. I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm too young to be happy, I need to drama and insecure surroundings with little bits of pain all the time because this huge bit is just unbearable. This pain would never have happened if I hadn't opened myself up so much to one person, trusted him not to hurt me and make me feel completely useless. I'm stupid. Shouldn't have done this. All this is my fault really. I'm not the relationship girl, I'm the fun girl. Relationships scare me because they hurt too much. Caring about someone more than you care about yourself is just pure dangerous. Well done, you broke me. This love has broken me. I will now agree and sucombe to anything, just to make you happy. I don't see another way.