It's times like this that I feel so lonely without you. I don't want to admit it to seem weak but I do, I miss you a lot & I can't believe that I've met somebody as amazing as you but have to wait such a long time before we can be together properly & because it is such a long time away, there is never a certainty that it will happen. I am so frightened that I will love you more and more each day & then just one day, you will change your mind, go back to your old life and not want me anymore. I know that's it's a stupid insecurity but I never thought something like this would happen to me, that I would care so much for somebody & now I have, I want forever, not hurt.
After summer, I didn't think I could possibly care again for years, let alone so soon. Quite honestly, from the beginning I hurt so much I didn't want to love again. He made me not want to fall in love, ever. I still feel completely sick thinking about this because it hurts me, I won't deny that the hollow feeling is still there but it only ever comes up when I feel lonely, when I think of Petr, last summer doesn't exist to me, neither does the pain & Lukas. At the beginning of easter, one day before I met Petr, I remember Lukas calling & wanting to see me & I had a complete breakdown. I had to go out of the club and calm down because I was so scared of seeing him; it makes no sense to me now but even the thought of having to be near him again & feeling the pain, I couldn't handle it. It seems absurd now but at the time, it just brought back sheer terror. But when I met Petr, it all went away.
Just in that instant I met him & knew he was special, his personality baffled me to the extent where I was too anxious to speak to him until I had a few drinks but because he had a girlfriend I didn't think anything of it, also the fact that I thought he was far too gorgeous for me therefore he wouldn't be interested in a little 16 year old girl when he was 22... still is by the way. But he was, and after a couple of dates, he turned out to respect me even more than I respected him, to the point where he planned out future together. I mean there would be incredible sacrifices on both of our parts in order to make this happen, me first really, the tolerance of his current girlfriend & him later: the break up, the move to England whilst I would be enjoying my first year of university, only a year & a half away. Frightening I know. Then again I would sacrifice a lot of university life for him, the new experiences etc because I would genuinely be commited & my social life would suffer dramatically. When I consider this, it puts me off a little as it would be a lot of my youth, friendships etc sacrificed for one boy, a huge risk I admit. I don't quite know whether I'd be willing to give all that up for just a chance of perfection, only time will tell. I'll see if I can fall in even more love for my ideal man. However, it is far too rash to consider all this now, I have known him for only a few months, I don't know enough about the outside world to sort this out myself & almost 2 years is a long way away for us to be making decisions, all I an say is.. 'We will see.'
[I don't like the new Youtube settings, finding a decent video, even just for the music is so complicated. Just one of our songs, well more mine to him.]
