Fascination ends, here we go again.

You know, that's cool. 'Let me rest.' Good excuse.

Another countdown: 10 ...

I feel so happy that my man's home again. Yes, considerably it's only a few hundred miles closer but none the less, we're finally in contact again. It's silly just how much I missed it really, just knowing he's there, the certainty. He says he's glad he could be the 'knight in shining armour' for some girl who lost her purse but what he doesn't realize is that he is that for me every single day, just by knowing it's someone to lean on, knowing I'm luck enough to have him.

I have to admit that I'm very content with my life right now; there are so many issues however I couldn't really ask for anything more and I wouldn't wish for anything more. The only thing would be working harder in college & having Petr live closer. Cannot quite wait for Christmas really, it's only around 10 days before we get to see each other again and Petr was right when he was saying good bye to me at the coach, it really is a short time before we see each other again and it's going to be worth the wait.

I still can't get over just how soppy I've become; don't get me wrong, I don't display it too much to friends etc, I just don't feel the need to be over the top. However, the few close people that genuinely know me see how much I've changed, all for the better as they say. I don't feel the need to shout out just how happy he makes me because the people I care about, see it anyway. This may sometimes annoy them.

You think, I'd get tired of jabbering on about this but it just doesn't seem to happen. I have so much work to do right now but I've not done anything productive whatsoever because I'm just so glad Petr's back home, it makes such a difference to my moods. I just want to tell him just how much I love him. So excited today, I couldn't wait to get home today just to see him online even if he is completely out of it with tiredness, it doesn't matter. He's there just across a computer screen & he's ready to be my knight in shining armour :D

I'll stop with the soppyness, I just feel as if I have vented enough tonight and I have a lot of work however, I've just spent a while adding to my canvas 'Heart' piece by the heart Petr gave me as one of my presents and my favorite photo of us. Lovely! (do excuse my blue tacked wall)

- Eve Anna x

Down. Down. Down.

Winter blues. Crappy evening. Illness. Too much work.

Chanel No5 Fragrance

~Just a quick distarction from my work to express my love for the Chanel No5 Fragrance advert directed by Jeane Pierre Jeunet. I love this advert, have done for about 2 years since it's been released and only managed to discover the extended version today. Not only is the song featured by the beautiful Billie Holiday but Audrey Tautou stars in the main role. It is just such picturesque perfection; seductive, passionate, romantic yet not soppy. The colour schemes are just perfect, the sense of the advert. The plot also, so simple yet so complex and desirable, it makes me want to melt.

Exasperated.

No time for anything. I've lost count of the things I've managed to do today and not gotten anything out of. I guess sometimes it's just everything for nothing & tonight's to do list has just begun.

SHIT.

- Eve Anna x

Disappointing men, specifically Italians.

Well my boyfriend's having his amazing birthday bash tonight and obviously me stuck in England and him being in beautiful Spain, I can't be there with him. It's okay and I hope he has fun but can't say the distance makes me happy. So for tonight, I've decided to open a bottle of red, put on Sweeney Todd and sit here in my dressing gown and lots of tissues. A bit of an anti-man evening if I say so myself because after hearing a few stories from friends today, I'm even more so disappointed in men; not Petr though, I love him and in my eyes he can't do anything wrong... But enough of that; let me enjoy Johnny Depp, some vino and my rants about men.

First of all, after being ill today, I didn't consider that I'd be on the phone to a close friend for over 3 hours about a break up today. They were so happy, damn, I saw them together a mere few weeks ago and they couldn't look more perfect. Yet now, he's just ended it and she's besides herself. Jo has always been a young one, this was her first real relationship, the flings and the sex prior to this doesn't count, there were feelings involved here and her and Bertie seemed so happy. They'd been together one year, more or less and now he just said good bye and it's over. Without warning. She's devastated so she's gone to stay with her dad at the Isle of Wight for a few days but nonetheless, I don't see how he could just do that to her.

Anyway, onto the main issue of the evening; something to really make me think about why and how certain specifics about men are the way they are. It could be genetics, it could be upbringing but the one thing us women, still wish to figure out is:

WHY ARE ITALIAN MEN SO DANGEROUS?

Beautiful, yet not too pretty. Daring but still secure. Loving but a challenge.

Jenny called me today angry; she moaned at me because I kept telling her to be vulnerable and let herself like a guy because it's worth the risk. What I didn't know was that this man was clearly a wrong one to fall for. 100% Italian, the whole package. 'Ciao bella!!' was the first thing he ever said to her. The type of guy you imagine in girl romance novels and if I'm honest even when it all ended badly, I still have a strong opinion that she doesn't regret meeting him because she 'got to bed such a beautiful boy' as quoted by her. It's funny really though, she set out to have a fling with this boy but ended up head over heels in less than 5 days, I mean surely that's almost impossible. They barely knew each other and she had her defences up so high that I cant imagine the huge slippery slope she slid down due to his charm. According to her story, they didn't even talk much from the beginning yet they had so much in common (contradiction), apparently he just kept staring at her intensely which was mysterious yet he was so funny and his body language was so friendly that he didn't seem up himself whatsoever (again, contradiction, that makes no sense). Apparently they didn't know each other more than a day when he asked her out dancing (Latin trick) and they just spent the entire night enjoying each others company but nothing happened. They then saw each other every day, just for a little while but he bought her drinks, chocolate, wrote her little cheeky notes (who does that a few weeks into knowing someone?) and by 3 weeks she had the biggest crush on him, not even a crush anymore, she really genuinely liked him. A first for Jenny. Then one night, they went out dancing again but she was vulnerable, had too much to drink and he took advantage of this. She ended up sleeping with him, which pretty much sealed the deal for her; she thought this meant that he liked her too and wanted to be with her. BUT NO!! They slept together two nights, she said that it was so perfect, something about the way he kissed? That apparently it was different from anyone she'd kissed before, which isn't the smallest number, 'so tender & passionate' (yuk). Yes I am quoting her because due to not having this 'amazing experience' with an Italian, I am apparently clueless. Of course, a few days later, he left her another one of his notes saying that he couldn't carry on like this (like what exactly?) and that he hoped they could still keep in touch when he went back to Italia etc etc. She knows that this was all an act as she's almost certain that she won't be hearing from him again. She's now completely lost trust because she's completely humiliated.

Myself, I don't see it. Of course in romantic films and series, Italian men are to die for but it didn't seem like that to me when I met a bunch whilst in Spain. Take two specific examples: Petr's room mate Simone, yeah sure he was cute, I could see what girls saw in him but he didn't seem to have much success at all (confidence also being a contributing factor- he had none!!) But anyway, I wouldn't fall head over heels for him if I saw him in a club, if anything it would be his personality but what I mean is where is the all famous Italian charm at first impression? It wasn't there, only his genuineness once I got to know him but that's a trait of men in general, not Italians. Surely Jenny's argument of; ' All Italian men who look at all decent can get any woman as it's their way of life.' is just not applicable in this situation. It brings me back to my question of, why do Italians seem so special to women all across the world?

Here's a picture, judge for yourselves, I just don't see it...

(he's the one on the left)

Another case is a guy I met called Francesco, he has the tall, dark Italian genetics however he just doesn't seem to take care of himself much and it shows. He has a girlfriend though so I'm only happy for him HOWEVER he seems so closed up that it's only once he's established you don't want to sleep with him, he'll talk to you.. From the beginning, I found it a little intimidating if anything therefore why any girl would approach him after his mysterious unfriendliness without being a bit of a psycho? I don't get, I'd be too scared to approach him and I can't really see him being the type of guy to approach a girl straight away. Okay, let's not get my opinion mixed up because once you get to know him; he's a smart, funny guy; very sarcastic which is even funnier however, it's not a great first impression which is what Jenny was talking about with the 'Italian Charm theory'.

Francesco... I don't know. He's not ugly, just sans the Italian Charm...

What gets me is how all those tricks could work? Is it something to do with the Italian accent, body language? What made him so different to others so that he could get Jenny in such a state? She's such a strong girl. But his ways just caught her completely off guard. The Italian culture, the gorgeous food, amazing culture, unique scenery; hot and cold climates. The most romantic places in the world. Why and where did this lovers' reputation begin? What about France? Why are the French not as charming as the Italians? Why do women get wooed into bed so easily by the Italian Romanticisms when France is supposedly the country of love; the Eiffel Tower, Moulin Rouge... I guess from a young age Italian men are brought up to be the strong hero figure yet not to forget their sensitive side which other cultures don't do. Undoubtedly, it's a lot to do with the language itself because as we all know, Italian is beautiful. In my opinion much more so than anything else about the country, including the men.

The point here isn't final, I want to find out more about this. Maybe speak to one of the Italian boys above, maybe they'd be willing to help explain why they think of themselves so superior to others. I can't wait to her their opinions because yes, they will be extremely biased however, it will be an imaginable laugh and in no doubt, a very interesting and insightful blog entry will appear from this. I quite like this topic; something to think about for some time yet not get emotionally involved. It's not like this has happened to me, then it may bring up emotions, thoughts etc: set my mind off. Whilst this, this is just an interesting discursive topic for which knowledge will come from my friends experiences, not mine.

- Eve Anna x

(Italian free- thank god!)



Hey boy I really wanna see if you can go a long time with a girl like me.

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Whats my name, whats my name

I heard you good with them soft lips

Yeah you know word of mouth

The square root of 69 is 8 something

Cuz I’ve been tryna work it out, oooow

Good weed, white wine

I come alive in the night time

Okay, away we go

Only thing we have on is the radio

Ooooh, let it play, say you gotta leave

But I know you wanna stay

You just waiting on the track to finish girl

The things we could do in twenty minutes girl

Say my name, say my name

Wear it out, its getting hot, crack a window, air it out

I can get you through a mighty long day

Soon as I go the text you gon right is gonna say…

Not everybody knows how to work my body

Knows how to make me want it

Boy you stay up on it

You got that something that keeps me so off balance

Baby you’re a challenge, lets explore your talent

Hey boy I really wanna see if you can go a long time with a girl like me

Hey boy, I really wanna be with you

Cause you just my type

Ooh na na na na

I need a boy to take it over

Looking for a girl to put you over

Oooooh, oooooh

Hey boy I really wanna see if you can go a long time with a girl like me

Hey boy, I really wanna be with you

Cause you just my type

Ooh na na na na

I need a boy to take it over

Looking for a girl to put you over

Oooooh, oooooh

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Whats my name, whats my name

Baby you got me, aint nowhere that I’d be

Then with your arms around me

Back and forth you rock me

So I surrender, to every word you whisper

Every door you enter, I will let you in

Hey boy I really wanna see if you can go a long time with a girl like me

Hey boy, I really wanna be with you

Cause you just my type

Ooh na na na na

I need a boy to take it over

Looking for a girl to put you over

Oooooh, oooooh

You’re so amazing, you took the time to figure me out

Thats why you take me, way past the point of turning me on

You bout to break me, I swear you got me losing my mind

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Ooh na na, what’s my name

Whats my name, whats my name

Hey boy I really wanna see if you can go a long time with a girl like me

Hey boy, I really wanna be with you

Cause you just my type

Ooh na na na na

I need a boy to take it over

Looking for a girl to put you over

Oooooh, oooooh

In case of real emergency: call friend (NOT 999)

It may be something to do with Christmas, it may not and although I have nothing to write about, I just want to publish something today. Just a distraction for working, that's what my subconsciousness tells me.

Wow a muse has just come up in the form of a phone call; I just got a call from a close friend who had just almost been stabbed. He was returning from uni, reasonably 11 o'clock on a Saturday night is late but nonetheless he comes from a safe area therefore something like this would never happen but he knows how to deal with muggings etc as he's constantly in London. But when a drunken hooligan was harassing him on the train and then when he got off the train, he pulled out a knife on him and threatened to kill him; it turned out to be a little too much to handle.

He called me and I could hear his voice shaking and I knew something had gone seriously wrong, he was absolutely petrified. We told me what had happened briefly and seemed to be over it pretty soon but none the less admitting his fear and being shaken up it such a big deal for him because he is never normally shaken by any nearby criminal activity.

The bottom line for me though was that he called me. Not the police. It just seems ridiculous that there is so little trust in the services these days, people would rather call a friend than a police officer. He wouldn't even call after to warn them or this dangerous, potentially fatal, man roaming through the streets of Canterbury because he knew they would do nothing about it. They would note it all down in official records however never send a true officer to check and protect the public. Why is there such a lack of trust in public services? Why do people feel they are better off committing crime themselves as a defence than calling the police?

This is where my legal mind takes me back to all the principles and Acts that have been passed to protect the public; to enable them to feel safe without having to carry weapons or commit criminal acts or take special measures to feel safe in their every day lives. The Public Act was updated back in the 1990's especially for this and every year there are new restrictions for personal use of weapons The Dangerous Weapons Act 2004 being the most significant. Young people are most at risk, they want to feel safe but truly they don't. A prime example of this is what happened to Kayle and another example is that I live in the safest neighbourhood in the whole of England yet I'm scared of walking home from college in the dark and never go anywhere on my own unless it's the middle of the day. It just seems absurd to me that the police are so helpless right now and things are only bound to get worse; the public cuts are affecting the police sector by several billion pounds. There are so many victims every day just due to recklessness with weapons and the public are scared, yes SCARED to contact their only hope. There are going to be fewer police forces with a higher crime rate as people will see nothing better but to turn to crime to protect themselves. This is not leading towards a brighter future after the next 10 daunting, despite what the Conservatives have been promising.This is leading towards a downfall of this country because our labour government of Brownites has been putting off repaying our debt and now it is too late. Despite us 'tightening our belts' as David Cameron has repeated in his speeches over and over these past months.

The rising crime rates, especially of antisocial behaviour and weapon related crime and robbery, have been increasing, devaluing the huge downfall in rape, murder, manslaughter; both voluntary and involuntary. Nobody sees how much of an achievement this is for the UK, the statistics of graver crimes are decreasing yet our country is still slipping further and further into an economic depression. How will Mr Cameron & Mr Clegg solve this hurdle of their beloved country?

SLUTEVER: guilty pleasure or sick blog?

Last week, during a night with the girls and a few glasses of wine; conversation moved on to men and sex as usual however the topic had an interesting twist. My friend showed me this amazingly interesting blog http://karleywhatever.squarespace.com/ . A bit twisted, that I have to admit, but none the less, ever so interesting. It really humbles my blogs; I wish I had the guts to discuss my sex life so openly and have such 'out there' debates about fetishes, sexual partners etc. Despite not being able to begin to compare myself to Karley; we all have a bit of her inside us in my opinion (no innuendos intended please) but we all learn to hide this side of us under the numerous rationalisations of every day life. She actually researches her topics and has a variety unlike my one sided rants. Although one big difference is the style of our lives; I'm a law student who used to do the whole drugs scene but grew out of it before 18; wouldn't ever dream of starting again, where as it's part of a daily routine for her; fuck it, why not?

It's pretty fucked up though; the kinda thing you want to look at when you're in a mood to be completely weirded out. I mean look at the pictures people send to her which she then puts up? I just don't get it; it must be purely for entertainment value (money's a nice bonus though). But I mean why would you do this? It's just not a pretty picture whatsoever.. She also has numerous sex slaves that she writes about; both from far and near but they basically finance her life; interesting way of maintaing her trend setters' lifestyle.

[copyright slutever.]

I do have to admit though, some of her less controversial entries make for a good read (actually all of them do!), there are entries about fashion, people, lifestyle; what to do and not to do according to Karley. From lesbian fetishes to 1st lady pearl accessories. Her style of writing is another thing; it's just to humourous! She even rememebrs the conversations with friends with all their glorious explicity...

F:“I got raped last night.”

K:“Oh really? Who was it this time?”

F:“I don’t know, some horrible girl. She was sooo old as well. Like 29.”

K:“That is so fucking old.”

F:“I know.”

K:“Felix, do you ever think you might be confusing being raped with sleeping with someone you don’t actually like?”

F:“Um, I don’t know, maybe. Is there a difference?”

K:“I think there is, yeah.”

F:“Oh.”

[copyright slutever.]

A casual roommate conversation! Or this whole blog entry in general, it's genious!!

http://karleywhatever.squarespace.com/imported-20101006052005/2010/11/9/a-conversation.html

Slutever is definitely not my cup of tea for a friend figure however when drunk, with the girls and up for a giggle and interesting conversation, this is the place to go to. I don't know why I've dedicated a blog to her, sh'es artistically brilliant and INSANE, however I think she deserves credit for being brave enough to stand out, ignore all the abuse she gets for this and just take the compliments and admirers gained.

Her approach to life?

'Life is too short to not live it. Fuck it!'

Not all bad really, is it? Some of us could take a little from this, relax and enjoy ourselves a little without worrying about everything and anything.

- Eve Anna x

Stop.

Stop doubting him and stop doubting me. Stop telling me he's cheating or will cheat. Stop making me feel like I'm not worthy or good enough. You know how much I value your opinion on these things so why would you purposely do this to me? You know how scared I am of trusting anyone and be this vulnerable so stop making me think aout things that aren't going to happen. You're supposed to love me, I'm you child. Stop hurting me with your pointless, 'meant to be funny' remarks all the time; they're only painful.

Thanks mother,

- Eve Anna x

Sleeping baby.

It's a bit blurry because of my phone quality is shit, but he's told me I can't put it on facebook so I've put it up here. I made him ill so he spent the afternoon getting better; sleeping. I love him :')

Péta, milácek.

I actually love you so much.

You are perfect for me, never forget it. I don't ever want to be without you and I'm sure of it. I'm so scared... so scared of the vulnerability, the trust, the future; but it's a good scared, nothing to worry about. It's the kind of adrenaline rush that you love. You still give me butterflies when I think of you, even after all these months I still think the absolute world of you, so much more than before. Every day, I know this is what I want more and more; I don't even know how to describe it. I feel like a whole different person being with you, a better me. It's always you.

The shame and shaking them off

So, there have been a lot of thoughts going through my head in the past month or so, many of which I don't even want to write about here because I don't want there to even be evidence of them, it's childish but it's happened so now I'm going to try to start writing without talking about the previous yet fully discussing now.

I feel so much more vulnerable right now and if I'm quite honest, I hate it. I can't put up with the feeling that I'm putting so much trust in one person, willing to do it with the risk of pretty much going crazy if it goes wrong right now. Even though I'm so glad how we are and I wouldn't have it any other way, I hate myself for being so irresponsible: letting myself depend on somebody else for letting myself love someone so much. It's still such a scary thing to me, it's now over taken the commitment which was at number one position.

Before, the issue of commitment was the worst for me. Not because of being able to get with guys, sleep with them etc but because of the flirting, the closeness, all the things that I could do and not get judged because of being single. I didn't realise the extent of how different single life is compared to where I am now. There was an initial period where this seemed crazy to me, that despite how much I love Petr and wanted to be with him, why would I give all this up and just feel lonely all the time when we're apart? My brain couldn't get used to the fact that it was just going to have to be like that from now on, this is why we had the arguments in Spain, because I had no idea how to act with a boyfriend when spending time apart yet still being there together. All these guys were coming up to me and I was just so confused. I can see now just how much of a bad vibe I gave off because the guys still won't leave me alone now and I hate it. Yes, I know it's across the internet so it doesn't matter but still, I feel uncomfortable with them saying the things they do to me yet I want to talk to them, to practice my Spanish, to widen my friendships, knowledge of culture etc. I try to do the but the only thing they want it dirty talk over the internet, I feel too ashamed to even tell Petr because he'd just get angry for no reason and it's not like there's a real problem. Just my naivety.

What else baffles me that they still bother me now, I've been gone long enough for them to even forget that I was there, let alone still be trying something.. I've had to come off facebook just because I couldn't handle one of the guys right now, it's just too much now and I hate it. Guys in England aren't like this whatsoever, not so persistent, pushy, which is why I don't know how to deal with this sort of situation.

None the less, I'll go back to my original point of how new all this is to me. I'm starting to have completely new levels of feelings; jealousy, yes I've had it before but this is completely different, it's not dangerous because I trust him of course but still I'm just so worried about him, I want only the best to come out of the situation and I don't want him to be lonely yet girls in general just make me cautious. I can't imagine what it must be like for Petr hearing about all these guys all the time considering that most of my close friends are guys. Maybe I should rethink that because I don't want to hurt him or upset him because of such a feudal issue. It's silly how it's these little things that make me see just how different feeling committed finally means, I mean I was pretty much committed before but now it just feels so different; the words boyfriend/ girlfriend, committed relationship, future; they no longer scare me and I want them to happen, I want a future with this guy, more than anything.

Because o f wanting this to work out so much, I can't believe I managed to screw it up by my own inexperience whilst I had that little time with him in Spain, the more I think about everything, the more I realise that it was entirely my fault and I hate the fact that he has to now gain the trust back in me because I can't believe I ever did anything so terrible to lose the trust and to upset him for such a long time. I worry that this caused a big part of his illness after I left. I hate myself for doing this. And I hate the fact that we've gotten ourselves into this position where trust, one of the most important parts of our relationship, needs to be rebuilt to a certain extent. I just hope this hasn't upset him enough to go down as one of his 3 crosses- by the time he gets to number 3, he'll finish it. That's ultimately my biggest fear.

Every day I wake up and I am so grateful for having such an amazing guy and each day, I have a more positive feeling from commitment, from the fact that we're together; I am gaining independence and no longer feel the need for those guys being there when Petr isn't (a little like those times in Spain maybe). The guys in college love this because they can finally just have a true friend that's a girl and that's ideal for me but even when I go out, I don't feel the need to have a man on my arm and I don't want to be with anyone else whatsoever, they all now repulse me because they're not my man.

I'm fine on my own from now on, I'm independent but I know I have my man with me where ever I go and we will be like this for a long time, as time goes on, my independence will grow even further which is only a good thing so at university I don't succumb to any problems because all this is worth being with Petr. Everything. It's also a great feeling, I have never felt so content, powerful, satisfied because I know he's there with me and we're in love. I just hope the trust can be regained entirely over time because I'd do anything for him and want him to be okay. I'm still new to this and learning; but trying to hard for him..


just us and the sea now, a new blank slate a new start.

Just one last bitter-sweet memory

This is not the end

This is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot

Rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone

And the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady

Something emptys within em

SWe say yeah

With fists flying up in the air

Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there

Cuz we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear

Until we dead it forget it

Let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come

Wishing I had strenght to stand

This is not what I had planned

It’s out of my control

IFlying at the speed of light

Thoughts were spinning in my head

So many things were left unsaid

It’s hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

MSitting in an empty room

Trying to forget the past

This was never meant to last

I wish it wasn’t so

OWhat was left when that fire was gone

I thought it felt right but that right was wrong

All caught up in the eye of the storm

And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on

And I don’t even know what kind of things I said

My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead

Picking up those pieces now where to begin

The hardest part of ending is starting again

NAll I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

This is not the end

This is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot

Rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone

And the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady

Something emptys within em

EWe say yeah

With fists flying up in the air

Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there

Cuz we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear

Until we dead it forget it

Let it all disappear

This is my last guilty pleasure, the shame that I have for everything that happened. this is the last reminder of that. I'm okay with it all now more or less however these lyrics will always be a reminder of the mistake that I will never regret, would repeat and that will hopefully get the opportunity to do so one day in the near future. It makes me sad thinknig of the memories and what could have been, however, I know it would end badly either way and this is the best way for everyone.

I feel a weakness coming on..

I literally can't stop fucking thinking about you. Ridiculous.

Uneasy, but getting better.

I'm not completely okay yet, yeah everything is sorted but my trust has been knocked so much that I just feel so weak right now, yeah it's because I feel lonely as a result of this weekend but I just feel completely drained. I want to be with Petr and let him be mine again, I'm alone, studying all the time while he's out having girls drool over him. I'm fine with that, I trust him not to do anything now but I'm still jealous. I want to spend more time with my boy, I want s to be together, not apart. The trust and confidence is a real issue now though because I feel as if I'm back at square one, shaky quite a lot, worried about everything happening around me, that constant tight uneasy feeling in my chest. I know it's stupid but as I've already said, I feel so damn weak, powerless and I just want to be with him, to be happy again, calm. I just want to be able to relax, fall asleep easier, to breathe properly than feeling that there's something wrong. I feel as if I'm okay but to tell the truth, I'm not just yet, I'm worried the extent of this confidence and trust knock in the past 7 days. I feel like a puppet in someone elses body, just not right.

Deja Vu continued

This is what angered me the most though. This weekend, I have spent the whole time missing him like mad. I've written to him loads, spent £50 (that I don't have) on lingerie for him, sent him pictures of myself in it even though I really wasn't in the mood because I know he lovs it, I wanted to ask him to change his flights so he'd stay here until Sunday not Friday because there's a big event called Burns night & the family friends I saw today invited him and it would be such a big deal to have him there, so perfect. Spent so much talking about how amazing he was when they asked about him, in my little dream world, so happy, loved up and then he's off out, sleeping with some girl whilst I'm cuddled up in bed with the bear he got me, dreaming about him, so excited to be with him soon. To see him. To let him take me to his friends and hopefully show me off. Now, none of it will be the same, I will constantly be worried what they think of me. There will be that sting of biterness there somewhere even if things get sorted, it won't be the same and completely okay before I go to Spain. I just don't know why but this weekend was the worst time for it because I have so many illusions and they were shattered by this, if it was another time, it wouldn't have affected me as much but this weekend, being the exact weekend this happened last year. Just no. Worst timing.

Oh and that he has the nerve to pass it off as 'I got involved with some girl from Erasmus.' No, you didn't get involved, you slept with her, tell me straight away, don't make me think it was just a good night kiss etc. That made me even more angry. I feel sorry for him because of the bad timing, I'm a lot more angry than I should be but I can't help it.

Deja Vu.

Deja'fucking'Vu.

I feel as if I've gone back in time in my head. Despite knowing that it's not the same situation whatsoever, I feel exactly like this time last year. Exactly a year ago. Exchanging love mails with Lukas on facebook, telling each other how excited we were for me to come see him and then BAM! A few days before my flight, somebody else appeared in the picture. It's not the same as today, no but I still can't help but think about last year, that's why my mind is so clouded because I'm not actually thinking about now, I'm reminiscing on last year. I've given him the freedom to do what he wants and I know so much alcohol was involved but I still can't believe he did it. Especially after saying he doesn't have one night stands. I don't understand.. I will feel so humiliated now, I'll come there and for the people that saw them together, I'll just be another one of those girls, they don't know he's not like that, they don't understand the situation but still, that's not what will matter at that point in time. And what if she sees us? It makes me feel sick with anxiety now. I'm overreacting, it's ridiculous, especially after knowing that this would happen at one point or another but it still doesn't hurt any less.

He's told me to think about it that it's just another person who's not important, just like all those before we met but I can't think of it like that. My mind just doesn't work like that, I have to come to terms with it somehow otherwise it will tear me apart, I just don't know how yet. During Reading, yesterday, there have been so many opportunities to sleep with guys but I've said no because of fearing the consequences, despite how much I'd drunk. I almost wish I'd slept with Harry yesterday, I know it's spiteful what I'm thinking now but he was lovely but I said no sorry, I have a boyfriend (technically not true but I wasn't going to start explaining it all with that amount of alcohol in me). Then Reading, could've slept with Alex, Kyle, Gareth... but no. Fucking willpower, which has taken me so long to acquire but I've finally done it and now it bites me in the arse.

But now, what do I say to him? I have no right to say no, to be upset, anything for that matter. I want to know who she is though, if possible see her facebook profile because if she is at the same place as us, I was to stay well clear of her. God, what will she think when she sees me? 'Just another one...' I can't get my head around this, I don't know how I'll be able to be there without feeling humiliated, I'm scared enough as it is, new environment, students all older than me, so intimidating and now her as well. I just want to know about her. I think that'll help me. Also actually speaking to Petr, this is the first time that we'll speak and I won't be okay, I don't know how I will do it... or when. It needs to be done soon though otherwise my mind will eat itself, I'm already not going to do my Spanish and Law essays tonight (for tomorrow) because I just can't concentrate so I need to work tomorrow so I don't fall behind too much, I have to remember college is too important to faff around right now.

On the one hand, I know I have no right to be in this state so I feel terrible about what I'll be putting him through but on the other hand, I can't hold this much upset in, pretend as if I'm okay because that's where problems start. I will be pissy with him, he won't know why and then next thing we know, we're arguing pointlessly. I DON'T KNOW.

The thing is, I have no right to be upset, to be angry, but why does it happen now? It was this time last year, exactly.Lukas... the memories, they still make me ache... I'll speak to Petr about it tomorrow, hopefully things might become a little clearer by then because right now it's just a teary eyed blur. I'm sorry for making such a big deal out of this when Petr was okay with me getting with the other guys, but I just think this is different.

No.

She's got severe depression. That's it. I've known for so long now. She gets angry about everything, is constantly unhappy with her life and takes it out on the people around her. Basically me. She won't even speak to Johan, she says she's starting to hate him (although, that I understand that he's the way she's ended up like this in the first place). If things don't go her way she says it's okay and everything's fine but then gets upset, shouts, screams, every time... I don't understand. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want her disappointed in me like she tells me she is when she's upset. I try to make solutions to make her happy but I can't, she doesn't want to see her friends, she shouts at me when I tell her she needs something. She's ill and I don't know how to make her feel better, as if it's my fault. She blames me. She can't be like this all the time. No.

Indecisive and greedy.

Even if a person is a hundred percent busy, there is always that minute or two where you stop and think. A moment where you have absolutely nothing else to do than to stop and think, to wonder: What am I doing with my life? Despite all this hard work, happiness, achievement, I feel like I'm going nowhere. Not actually doing anything.

Maybe it is just being restless. When I was to have a break and rest I can't and when I finally get a chance to, my mind goes into a whirl and I wish I was busy again to stop that feeling of uselessness. It has to be boredom, greed for things that are impossible to have but there is always that sense of underachieving when I'm not busy. This is when I start thinking about all the missed opportunities, bad choices, things I wish went differently... From ones that happened years ago to fairly recent ones. For one, I wish I hadn't let anything happen with Kyle. It still lingers in the back of my mind and not because I like him but because of the affect it's had on our friendship. It's probably because of how close we were beforehand but it was a bad idea because it could never be just a one night thing; there's just that closeness from before which doesn't permit us to do that. It's just because I'm so lonely right now but I need someone here and Kyle would be the obvious choice. I can't get my head around this. I can't see us together and liking him in a different way but that clear friendship line has thoroughly been smudged. He shouldn't have done what he did in the morning. The hugging and kissing, the whispers and compliments, I didn't want that. That was beyond the borderline of a one night drunken fling. Now look where it's gotten me to. I don't care, I just wonder what it could have been and what trouble it's getting our friendship into? And I don't know why I'm pondering so much about it. It's insane and absurd so why does it bug me when I am devotedly in love with somebody else so much more perfect? You can't even begin to compare the two so why is this lingering in the back of my brain and coming back to bite me in the arse whenever he comments me or someone makes a dig about what happened at Reading?

Maybe it's because I didn't get what I wanted, him wanting me back. I just can't take rejection and wanted that extra attention because I felt/ feel lonely. Clearly this is still my immaturity coming through and I need to concentrate on other things than things that I can't have and don't even actually want? I need to remind myself that I have stepped out of my old shoes, the ones where I was scared of commitment, made guys fall for me and then just run away but if they didn't want me, get impossibly upset. It was all an endless circle where I just ended up upset 24/7. I am happy now, happy with the perfect guy. I need to stop faffing around.



The best remix of this song is by David Guetta but this one's new and fairly different to the original remixes. Ideal song for right now haha :)

Off to do some work to distract myself.
- Eve Anna x

28 days left baby.

Oh her eyes, her eyes

Make the stars look like they're not shining

Her hair, her hair

Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know

When I compliment her

She wont believe me

And its so, its so

Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay

I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails

I could kiss them all day if she'd let me

Her laugh, her laugh

She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know

Id never ask you to change

If perfect is what you're searching for

Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking

If you look okay

You know I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

The way you are

The way you are

Girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

Okay, so let's change the 'her' to 'him' & make the lyrics a little more relatable to a guy... Then you have another perfect song I have to describe you. I love you; more & more every single day. Oh I feel so soppy!! <3

G'night x
- Eve Anna

Caroussel, round & round.

no comment. :)

Explosion in my mind, oh no.

So I spent a good 30 minutes of my evening going 'Oh no, oooooh. Oh no. This is bad. Oh shit. Shit shit shit shit. I'm a terrible person. Ooooooh, should NOT have done that' and so on....

This afternoon. What can I say? Last year, when I felt so alone, needed somebody to look after me so much, there was nobody but now that I have somebody, everyone seems to be interested and I hate it. In college, nothing ever happens, relationships barely form because of the possible awkwardness; so every singleton flirts with the opposite sex but knows that it's never more than that. But not for me apparently, no, nothing can ever be simple can it?

I am so angry right now. He likes me, he genuinely likes me. Fucking hell. He can't be like a normal guy who flirts, oh no, that would be far too simple. Basically, a new friend from my law class turns out, wants more than just friendship. Sam, that's his name, seemed like just a nice guy, someone that I could never possibly have this problem with; yeah I thought he was cute but not exactly gorgeous, it would never occur to me that he'd get a crush on me... POW!! So we get on well, he made me miss the train and we had a drink down the pub, this was my first warning: he wouldn't let me pay for the drinks. Then he kept being complimentary, constant conversation and then walking closely next to me on the way to the station, saying let's do this again, every week if possible etc and this is when I though 'Uh Oh' the flirting's gone too far. He sat next to me on the train, kept touching my arm and then we got off the train and he hugged me, then hugged me again... a long time and expected to kiss me, of course I turned away, I couldn't do it. Just No. Then I got into the car with mum and started panicking...

 Why couldn't this happen last year? Why did I let it go so far? Why didn't I mention Petr earlier? What am I going to do on the train tomorrow morning? Should I tell him, should I carry on as if it's nothing? Should I stop it or not? The thing is I know that as soon as something would start happening that I'd regret it because he's not the guy I'm in love with but then I just feel so lonely right now, missing Petr, missing the closeness. In my head it's just Petr's voice telling me to go for it and I think he would too but then I couldn't not tell Sam about Petr but if I did then nothing would happen... It's just my stupid indecisiveness: what to do?

I also don't know whether to tell Petr because I think he's lonely anyway right now & this would make things so much worse and what if nothing happens and I just hurt him regardless, I caused enough damage with Reading festival. If he reads this then okay, fair enough but discussing the whole situation is completely different.

I saw Em when I got back tonight, she told me to stick to the truth with Sam; to tell him that there's this other guy in Spain, the one I'm going to see in October and even though we're not in a relationship with him, there's something going on there so during the holidays when I saw him, I would be with him regardless and he would just have to accept that. Explain the distance situation etc but then I have to consider the fact that this is far too early for this kind of discussion and I would most definitely scare him off which defeat the entire point (maybe it could be a relief..?) but either way I have to resolve the confusion but have no way how that isn't too extreme. I don't know because I think it's just the loneliness, not the fact that I actually like Sam.

He can't compare to Petr in anyway, okay one, maybe his height. But still, I can't imagine being with some boy after being with the man I want to spend my life with, Reading was just so different, m and Kyle didn't have time to think things through, we knew that it was just a spur of the moment therefore we didn't have to worry, but here, it's a completely different story. Also, how awkward would it be in law after? It really can't work whilst I have Petr in my life, I can't see another guy, consider him to be a boyfriend, it's just not right. I don't know because I know I'm missing an opportunity here but I would feel far too guilty, my consciousness would just eat me.

POW!!

The biggest explosion in my head.

One more year...

There are times like this, times where I just sit, doing one thing or another, just reminisce about you, think just how lucky I am to have you. We are so perfect. There are & will be problems along the road but so far, it couldn't be any better between us. The only problems are due to my family & I need to learn to deal with those better but I really don't know how to yet. I somehow need to talk about why I feel the way I feel, the way they hurt me without knowing... I need to sort this out inside me in order to be able to come to terms with why they are the way they are & how I can understand them so I agree with what they want from and for me. They want the best for me, well as far as my mum is concerned but I need her to trust me a little more because I'm not going to be a child soon and as far as maturity goes, I'm much more mature than your average 18 year old anyway therefore I want her to see that I am capable of looking after my emotional well being as well as make the right choices for the future, even if they're not enjoyable at all times. It's just not possible to show her. There are little things I do all the time, to prove myself but that still doesn't change the fact that the trust isn't enough and I am sick and tired of constantly feeling like a little girl, especially when the guy I'm with is so much older... It just feels so degrading.

Today, it felt as if I'd moved a step closer towards a level of trust with my mum. I told her something extremely important and so much has been knocked off my chest but in a way I think it's burden added upon her which I feel bad for; none the less, I've told her the truth and now there are no secrets between us... to a certain extent. I just don't feel good enough for her and I'm sick of trying to prove that I am, I just want acceptance and I feel as if I'm never going to fully get it therefore I have to wait for one more year until I leave home when things will begin to be different. I hope. I hope they will still be there for me when I chose to live my life my own way, not the way they want me to. Also I hope Petr will support my decision when it comes to my family, whatever it is.

There are so many little stabs they have and one by one they are getting to me more and more. I just pray that this year, probably the most difficult one for me so far, that I won't snap and ruin everything because as potrayed by this summer, things are slowly edging there and I don't want that to happen. I don't want to disappoint them and all the hope they have put in me by one weak moment of snapping; because of how they will restrict me in the next year. It's just one more year, I have to plow through so I can have the life I want, with the education, with Petr.

It's just I've finally found, a place where I can breathe...

Breathe to release

And dispel what you dream

Just be glad we can kiss

And say goodbye

And say I miss you

It's just I finally found

A place where I can breathe

It's just I finally found

A place where I can sleep

Breathe to release

And dispel what you dream

Just be glad we can kiss

And say goodbye

And say I miss you

It's just I finally found

A place where I can breathe

It's just I finally found

A place where I can sleep

It's just I finally found

A place where I can breathe

I finally found

A place where I can sleep

Hand in hand we fade away

Why, I miss you

Why, I miss you

Why, I miss you

Why, I miss you

Self- Therapy.

I haven't had the most successful day & so I've vented it out by drawing, something I haven't done in years... Definitely therapeutic.

Sense of Rejection? False.

It's strange you know, I think about it and it really doesn't mean anything to me but it still stings a little. It's more about feeling left out than anything else but I just wish things were a little different. Considering that Reading fest with Kyle meant really nothing to me and the only reason why I wanted him to ask me out was for my ego... Cami is really annoying me. She's been best friends with him since they were 11 and they slept together a few weeks before Reading fest but just remained friends, I'm almost sure neither of them want anything further to happen but at the back of my mind, there's a little voice going.. 'He chose her over you, he chose her over you!!' I don't know why exactly if so, maybe because we didn't have sex or because he genuinely knows her better and sees her very frequently but it annoys me that he's barely talking to me now, just like before, whilst he sees her every time he goes out. I know I'm being stupid but the fact that I didn't achieve hat I wanted makes me feel a little worthless, overall, it's definitely better that nothing will happen in the near future if at all because of it ruining my friendship but I still, I don't like this. I know that if I saw him more, it would be different but it's just so frustrating because if I'm honest, I don't think she's better looking than me or funnier so this really isn't going down well with me.

I know I sound like a spoilt brat right now, it is none of my business, especially if I don't really care but I cannot help it. I suppose it's because it's the first time in months I've had a crush on another guy besides Petr and it hasn't worked out, it's just proving to me all over again that it's not all worth it; the inner humiliation, the fact that I have to try to yet again prove to myself that I am good enough for someone that I can't even imagine being with. Due to many factors including his height & maturity... it couldn't work.

Okay, this is pointless, rambling on about being jealous of a girl that I really think is quite nice and a guy that I don't even want to be with, he's just a friend with whom I crossed the line and now I have to put up with the consequences before I get to see him again and sort my head out. It's times like this that I wish my brain wasn't on such high mode because it is constantly shattering my ego and making me think of absurdities which I explain to myself a few minutes later just because I write them down and read them over.

...

What is this about?

How can I get 'rejection' out of my head?

Maybe it's just because I feel lonely in general, that's why my brain is working over time. I guess the only way to survive this over the next few months is to write it down to get it out of my system because let's face it, the tension has gone and I almost find my worry comical now. I miss my boy and I'm trying to find someone to replace the closeness for time being but I cannot find anyone that could compare to Petr therefore I probably won't be able to find anyone that will do more than dance with me and kiss me in a club but surprise surprise, I won't be going out because of my A-Levels therefore I'll just put up with being lonely for a year and count down until I can see Petr again. He's well worth it.

I love how this has gone from one point to another one entirely, well.. somehow it doesn't surprise me. Yet again.. working over time.. Let's hope the brain slows down overnight..

[A friend recorded this, we just stood there together & sang. So beautiful]

G'night

- Eve Anna x

Summer Posts

These are all the blogs I wrote over the summer on my Blackberry when I couldn't get onto the computer. All the insane worries, in love proses, everything... It's just a shame I don't know the dates of when I worte them.

'Okay so i tried to kid myself that i wasn't the jealous type.. Oh please! I don't know what set it off, probably just seeing him in public; so charming, confident. Girls would stare at him, you could see the odd few he knew, they adore him & don't get me wrong, I'm completely fine with that because I can't hold him down but it made me think just how much girls were going to throw themselves at him in Spain. All the drinking, going out, his amazing dancing... I'm really scared of what could happen. If he has a one night stand, I wouldn't be happy but I'd be fine as it would be meaningless but he's not that type of guy, so it would be likely that that one night stand would become more & that scares me. Truthfully I have no say as we can't be exclusive until the distance shortens but I just feel like I can't be with anyone besides him & I want him to feel the same. I know how much he loves me, but Spanish girls are beautiful & he'll be the good looking guy who is charming, speaks fluent English, can dance & is single (with those gorgeous eyes) so they'll be like vulchers. I know this is jealousy at its bitterest but I can't help myself. I've put myself out there so much this time, taking the risk of loving someone more than anything & wanting to be with them.. This has never happened before & we are so perfect together but what if I just end up hurt like before? Except a million times worse.. There's not just one person in this world for everyone, there's a handful, but what if he meets another one of those whilst he's in Spain? Let's face it, a lot can happen over a few months, I don't want to be knocked out of love when I'm so deep in this time? I'm scared.. I don't want to tell him because he's perfect & he's doing everything the best way possible, its just my insecurities. I'm just worried if I don't tell him, he'll either find out on his own or I won't get a chance to talk about this again.. I have no true right to be jealous but I am & will be when he goes away. This is all too perfect to just lose it all. I want exclusivelity, no doubt about it, but I can't expect him to wait around for me for almost 2 years, it's just not right of me. It's asking far too much. This is all paranoia again, its stupid but it hasn't been the best day & my brain is just driving me insane....'

'I feel as if I'm in far too deep. I love him so much that even a few hours without him have become desperation & I feel like I'm relapsing from taking a drug. A dosage of heroin suddenly being taken straight from me. I know its ridiculous but I feel as if my heart is about to pop out of my chest because there's so much love inside. I know its beyond amazing that this is happening to me but I feel drowned because it's so overwhelming, so soon. Spending all this time together, acting like we've been together for years, not months, it's all just..the ideal life I want to lead. I'm scared it'll be taken away all of a sudden & that this dream will just die as quick as it all came about. I don't know if I could take the heart break, I really don't think I could, especially him being so nice would make it a million times harder for closure.'

'This is the second night I'll be falling asleep crying. The time is really running out. I can't imagine not spending almost everyday with him after all this. Its going to be the most difficult 5 months of my life & even after than, I'll see him but I'll have to revise constantly therefore won't have as much time to spend together for those few weeks. I know it's stupid crying so soon but after spending this mini break with him the past few days, I can't imagine ever leaving. Not having him here for me all the time, I've grown so dependant on his company, he's the only person to keep me calm right now & I would quite happily give up everything for him right this instant. What the hell am I going to do without him? His comfort? His... Everything? It's going to be so damn hard, just getting by, let alone concentrating on my education at the most important time. I'm so frightened of not having him there. Of Spain changing him. Of losing him. There are so many things that could go wrong in until we can be together. I'm just hoping he's just as willing as me to hold on, to make things work, to grasp any chance we have of being together because I've never ever let myself love & trust this much before & I'm beyond terrified because I know if I lose him, the pain will be unbearable. I can't even imagine how much it'll hurt if it hurts this much thinking I won't see him for 5 months & the things he might do during that time & the extent of how much I will miss him. I know just how over emotional I am being, but I'm still so insecure with fearing the worst despite being a hundred times better than when I met him.'

'I just stood there in the middle. Everyone around me was having fun, laughing, high fiveing & I just stood there. I tried to be involved from the beginning even though I couldn't play, I just tried, but then they told me to stand in the middle & played around me. It was a useless feeling, the kind that they don't need me there, why am I there? I want to lie them to it because I just look like a lonely idiot whilst everyone else knows how to play & it having fun.. I know this is dramatic but its my worst fear. Alone in a big crowd & I knew it was going to be like that but I thought it could be okay. I cant explain this in conversation. I need to vent why tonight upset me so much, why my cousin acted the way he did, everything the other side didnt hear. Its been a long ongoing silence which he knows makes me uncomfortable yet he continues to act the way he did. Little things like ignoring me when i tried to ask or talk to him during the game, telling me i should stop doing what my family want as they're worthless. To quit education & leave all my family just like he did & all this quietly that only one guy heard & of course, he didn't care so he pretty much ignored it. Since he's started his job, he never sees us when we come to Czech, never cares to keep in contact unless he needs something; that's exactly why he wants coffee with us, he needs us to sort out the tax returns which we have been doing for him for over a year now. Unless he needs this, he doesn't have the curtoesy to spend more than 5 minutes with us, which is usually while he's working. I don't think he even realises just how much he puts people down by little things, I always take it as jokes but this time, it went too far & the fact he said what he said about the family, it was out of order & out of place. He's always been selfish & self centred & I didn't care because he was my cousin but now I look and think just how many people he has ler down by his carelessness. This is what produces many other worries... On a more selfish note, he acted like such a jerk during the game, he never acted as if I was part of the team, he wouldn't let me play, he made snide comments about my playing & got angry when we lost when in fact it was just to do with the fact that I didn't bother in the end as they wouldn't let me play, I just stood there. In the middle. On my own... I was so scared of this happening but I hoped that being on my cousins team, he would look after me at least a little, but no, he didn't help me whatsoever just made things worse. Another thing is Tina, she's so lovely & friendly but after 2 evenings of mum forcing her views into my head, constantly going on & on at me, I now want to think that she has a crush on Petr. Mum constantly says he's too good for me & that she's worried he'll find some beautiful girl right in front of me & I'll just be alone again. I trust Petr & know he wouldn't do this but when somebody is constantly giving you this information, you start believeing it after a while. The same goes for the Tina thing, yes I know its beyond stupid because she loves my cousin to pieces & they have their entire lives planned together but my mums been saying about how she was looking at Petr in the coffee shop, the conversation, friendliness: the fact that this isn't like her at all. See, I didn't notice this whatsoever but after mum getting me at 2 vulnerable moments, I've become stupidly paranoid about the 'what if's'. She's funny gorgeous, clever, closer to Petrs age & she lives here, yes some of the points mum kept beating me with. The fact that if she wanted to she could most likely have him & that he wouldn't give a toss about me. I know he can do whatever but this would be absurd & would hurt our family incredibly. Okay so I don't actually believe this would realistically ever happen but mum has still scared me with this crazy theory, even if it is just momentary. I'll laugh about it in the morning, insane jealousy & paranoia, ideal girlfriend material. Another thing is the social aspect, I'm just not used to being the odd one out, the one nobody trully wants to talk to or to be there & I hate when 2 new people come to a group & they all love the other one & people only talk to me to take pity. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous of Petr because I'm so happy he's found people like this, I just wish it wasn't with my cousin.'

'My gran has now said that because of my behaviour, I have lost Petr. I am sick of my familyt telling me I'm acting wrong when I know its right. This is what being in love is all about so I don't understand why its such a problem.

You know, I feel strangely relieved after today. I know Petrs helped me again but it feels like when he pushes me too far past my stubbornness, it really helps me understand the actual point of what he's trying to do. Fair enough, I may not always like it, but its true so I'm willing to try make a difference. I quite honestly can't believe he has managed to get to me because I'm so set in my habits & didn't ever think I would break my routines. I feel quite bad because I was mean to him about the whole thing, I didn't want to change it because I was too scared even if it is for the best. The fact that he can do this for me is so amazing, I'm in disbelief. I think this is what a real stable relationship is about, its not just the complete blind romance which is at the beginning, its starting to be real now, a real relationship. I'm stepping on unknown ground & I couldn't be happier. I feel so secure & I've learnt to trust him, something which I have been so reluctant to do even though I don't know a more trust worthy person, let alone the fact that I am able to call him mine. There's a certain fear of the unknown now, the fact that I'm clueless as to how a relationship is supposed to be at this point along the line, how passionate, how talkative, how fun, how serious... Its not a bad sigh that I'm thinking of this, just that I don't know now. I'm so happy but I can't compare this anymore...not even a tiny bit because not only have I not been in a relationship with someone for so long but also I have never cared, loved or wanted to be with somebody as much as this before. I love him & I want him to be the one. I just hope to god that this is it, that we will manage to be & stay together for the future.

I love him so much. I'm with him right now & I can't believe how lucky I am. He's the one. I'm frightened to say so but he really is, its frightening how perfect I think he is.

I feel sick. My stomach has over turned 360 degrees. Its going to be over 4 & half months til i see him next. Ive been crying in public & everything, its just not like me. But you know what hurts the most right now? In how much pain he was today, crying, so upset, so lost, I can't stand seeing him like that when I can't help. So helpless. Its going to be okay, I know it but right now I just feel like this is the end. Its stupid yes, but I can't help it right now. I need to bare this journey & tomorrow because then ill get into my normal routine, sort my life out, enjoy Reading & then start the suicide that is A2. Also, I'm worried that when I come to Czech, things won't be the same because my grandma won't let me because she thinks I've done so many things wrong that she's starting to hate me. Its just not possible to please her & I don't want my relationship to suffer anymore because of her absurdities & then when I let something slip, to feel like the worst possible person that she gets upset. Its wrong.'

This is my summer, the ups & downs but they all revolve around my one and only boy. It's not always easy but I'm glad I got all of my insecurities out of the way when I was with him, I know it was a burden on the little time we had together but it solved alot of necessary issues & I'm so glad it happened the way it did.

- G'night x

I do adore this picture :)