Untitled simplicity..

Just a quick one tonight. I'm slowly slipping into a numb coma state once more, I sit at home and all I can think of is you, I wear the necklace around my neck just to feel close to you, it comforts me because I want to believe you still care. All together you've given me two necklaces which have consisted of three hearts but maybe that describes our relationship...

There is never going to be just me and you, never two hearts, it'll always be three because you can't seem to choose and commit to just one person and even if you could, I could never trully trust you or the distance which stands between us. It would simply be far too diifuclt and that is why I'm glad things worked out as they have, I just wish it never got to more than that one night.

You know, I feel like a broken record as I say these things over and over. It feels like there's still so many unresolved issues even though I have gone over every single little detail in my head a million times and I know that I won't be able to disect any bit of information anymore than I have in the past few months.

I think the best thing for me right now is just to read a book again, not a college one all about law or biology etc but some fictional romance that I have in the back of my littel dusty library. Sink into that make believe world to make myself feel a little better and take my mind off any unresolved crap that's been going on.

I know it's all pretty pathetic but I can't help feel that way.

I love him,

- Eve Anna x

Cheap trickery can be undermimed by a great friend.

Right now, I am in a fantastic mood as I've had a lovely night of doing nothing with Emmy which is exactly what I needed after the nasty surprise I received by post this morning. Nevertheless I've realised that relying on my friends might not be such a bad idea and that I can in fact trust some of them. Emmy has been a real support to me lately and I believe I have also been that way to her so this blog might just be some of the pictures from tonight before we went out. There's no particular reason for the picture taking; we took them ... just because. The girl below has been through so much with me and I've been there even more so for her, when her father died, helping her and her family, I love them all, they are my second family, I'd like to think.

.

.

The reason why I was upset was because Luke sent me a package, no note, nothing, just his address in case it didn't deliver and inside was this...

.

I didn't know what to make of it but it outraged and confused me to the maximum. Later when I texted him saying 'I've received the package.' He sent back a reply of 'Eve, you won't talk to me other than on facebook statuses, you never reply, nothing. I just needed you to see how much you still mean to me. Despite everything. I love you, Luke.' I mean I discussed it with Em and she calmed me down so I suppose now I feel a lot more positive about the entire situation. The up side is that I don't have to see him when I go to Czech in two weeks and I can wear this beautiful necklace without being too upset, it won't be a complete waste will it? :)
.
.

Anyway, as I don't want to spoil my mood by thinking about this whole thing too much, I'll finish this blog by posting a few pictures with Em from the start of tonight because I've realised just how much I missed friendships and trust in the past year, a different kind of closeness, maybe romance isn't neccessary, maybe friends are the only vital thing in life. Maybe the excessive closeness within your close friends is all you need until you meet one of the numerous special someone's.

Sweetie,

I love you.

- Eve Anna x

Can a terrible mistake trully be an unreal beauty?

Friday night and I'm not out getting wildly drunk and losing all cares in the world, no, I'm babysitting. Not that I'm complaining as I need even those few pounds but the fact that I've been working the entire week has exhausted me mentally and therefore being inside thinking about everything and getting upset is clearly not a good idea as it will evidently lead to absurdity and most likely a few tears.

I think it's just one of those evenings, I miss having sombody close by. Luke of course but I mean it's not even that anymore because I see how happy he seems to be with Lucie; even the drunken calls and texts have decreased, I just feel so alone right now. I think it's the fact that I covered the broken hearted-ness to get on with everything, i.e. (A- levels I cannot chance to fail or get anything beyon a B) but then at moments like this, of boredom maybe, or just pure despiration, I turn to food and tears and regret the past which I inevitably cannot change.

I wonder whether he ever really loved me or whether I was just a gulliable little girl to him? Because I trully cannot tell anymore, I have never been so numb for so long, even in the past, I have always managed to rebound for someone better to make myself happier but now, I'm too numb to even want that. I've put up a wall to shield myself from everyone, even friends. I cannot stand to be hurt this way for a very long time. It's pathetic really but if I want to be honest, the pain was indescribable, I mean it's getting better now but I think it was the fact that I fell in love with him so unexpectedly. It was so wrong but felt so right. Somewhere deep inside I still think about that what if's because I contemplate whether we could ever make it work between us in the far future. I'm scared I met my soulmate and now he's gone with someone else, telling me he still loves me and wants me above anyone else but knows it's also impossible.

Partially I think this is because I've started talking to Kayle alot again and he still evidently has feelings for me therefore it's made me consider the possibilities and after quickly ruling them out (not wanting to make the same mistake again), I started feeling so attrociously lonely, I miss Luke, so much. I am still so in love with him and all I want right now is to see him, which I may do in two weeks time. This will be terrible though. The pain I mean..

I don't know.

I hope Gary's okay though.

- Eve Anna x

Yesssssss!! ...RELIEF :)

I have to say that I am extremely relieved at how this afternoon turned out because all my worries over the past few days. I no longer have to worry about trying to like someone I clearly have no real attraction to. I saw Emmy this afternoon for the first time since Sunday and we sat down for a coffee and just chatted for a few hours. She saw Mark a few days ago and it turns out that luckily he only saw Saturday as a fling nothing more which is perfect. I know I freaked out over the possible consequences but now that I know it meant the same to us both therefore there is no need to worry whatsoever. I can get on with sorting myself out little by little.

.

.

There is only one thing that surprised me a little, the fact that Mark said I was a little 'weird', yes I know it wasn't meant offensively but the strange thing is it must've been the alcohol, I mean I remember nothing. I was loud yes, weird? No. His dancing was a lot stranger than anything I did the entire night. Nevertheless there's now no issue about awkwardness between us at future parties as apparently he won't make things be that way and neither will I. After all, I have no reason to. If I make some witty comment prior to our meeting next time and clear any remaining tension then tadaa, perfect. Hello new friendships and even though it won't be a very pleasant anecdote, Mark and me will be a very good starting conversation piece for me with the other guys.

.

.

Maybe it's a little dissappoitment that he didn't show any feedback though as I'm not used to being rejected, well I wouldn't use the term rejected but it's practically the same thing. If I was still in a spiteful state of mind I would get him to like me in some way, as I always get my way but now, I don't feel the need to do that. Karma spoke. This is clearly for the best.

.

.

Yes, I miss the closeness.

Yes, I miss the sex.

Yes, I miss that particular someone.

.

.

But the gap cannot be filled up by the right person until it has been partially cemented from the old wound and so far, this has not happened. I am far from okay with Luke therefore there is no point me rushing into anything because if would just end badly. I am happy I was made to realise this before things went any further and ruined everything for me.

.

.

I'll stick with my friends for now. They'll help me get better slowly. Anyway, no time for any boy right now; January exams therefore I have more than enough work to hell and back.

.

.

London tomorrow for several Psychology lectures.

9am start.

I shall live on Starbucks for the day :)

Shower & bed.

G'night,

.

- Eve Anna x

1st day of the advent of 2009.

I want to write something but I don't know what. I'm completely undecided in anything. What to wear, who to spend my time with, what decisions to make about my essays, the distinguishing of the right and wrong. Maybe it's just boredom or proof that I have too much free time and should probably try to get down to doing some work.

I didn't finish this blog earlier and I have just gone to the gym and had a thorough work out which had released countless endorphines making me extremely happy. Taio Cruz's positivity may also be helping. You know, I think I might still be on a bit of a high from Saturday because I finally reached another level of moving on. Even though it might be the high of a new possible boy, whom I may not want anyway, I don't even worry whether he wants anything else. I would like it to proove that I still have it ;) but it isn't necessary because I was with him and I barely thought of Luke, maybe only a little and then I stopped but then the drink kicked in once more and I didn't care because I was enjoying myself for the first time in a very long time. Properly enjoying myself, that kind of 'enjoying myself'. Wow. I just now wish that he would make an effort in just talking to me because otherwise the akwardness may settle in and that could ruin a friendship group opportunity for me. First thing's first though, I need to speak to Em as I know she's still extremely upset and her phone is out of battery which worries me. I need to try calling and if that fails I'll go round there tomorrow, even if she's not in, I can talk to Jacqui (her mum) or her brothers, one of them will know. I just hope that the guys don't rip it into me too much for getting with Mark. I mean I'm not embarrassed in any way or form but it's just so frustrating when somebody does that, you know?

Anyway, I'll leave you with another classic Taio Cruz and go watch I'm a Celeb.

Yes, anything to restraint myself from doing work.

- Eve Anna x