That's how it's done: bit by bit.

So tonight I discovered somethin interesting,just what is likely to be the one thing to push me over the edge. It's funny really, in Ross' car, we always play Oasis Greatest Hits and always put Wonderwall on repeat a few times and sing it over and over. It's always been one of my favorite songs and I've always had a special relationship to the song but let's face it: it#s a classic. The interesting thing is that I never quite managed to connect it to someone individual like I do with other songs. I tried once because I guy played it to us on the guitar and then I fooled around with him but it never quite stuck. With Ross it's been different, it already started to stick as we always sing it but today as he was dropping me home, he suddenly picked up his guitar in his room (which he says he never plays) and started strumming Morning Glory, I was impressed but then I heard the sudden change to the beginning of Wonderwall. He played quietly, clearly only trying it out for himself, but he seemed confident and competent enough and I could just feel my heart melting. Yes, I said it. It's still not some slushy romance but this is one way which he can really get to me so I have to be careful because it's an easy route of falling in love with him.

We agreed to a deal on Friday, he'll learn the rest of the song if I sing it while he play.s See now it would be amazing if A) it was an octave higher, which he won't manage, so I could actually sing it B) It wouldn't attach the song to him even more i.e. feelings becoming a bit too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do, despite the fact that it would be gorgeous to be able to sing it, I think I'll back out. It's probably for the best. Just wanted to get the feeling out of my system though, I was so overwhelmed by these few strums on a damn guitar, I couldn't believe it. It was such a turn on, but surprisingly less sexual more emotional, I just really wanted him. A warning popping to my head straight away that this was a heart throb moment! You know what makes the whole situation so funny though? The fact that he doesn't even realise how much he's making me fall for him by all these little idiotic things, he's just being his normal lazy self and I'm going to swoon if he's not careful. Maybe that's what he wants though, he seems to be keen enough so it's definitely a possibility. Nothing has overwhelmed me too much to worry thus this is purely my mind ranting away it doesn't mean anything, I haven't fallen yet and I am not too close to it yet however these little things have a definite effect on me which is very interesting, even to me. Let alone Ross, to whom I'm this strong soppiless (almost) independent woman. This is definitely going to be a laugh.

Holiday snaps incoming!!

Just the first of many to come from Benicassim festival 2011!!

Being 18.

Just a happy summer, a few photos.

Windsor 4th July.

Friday night out in Gig House- 22nd July.

Perv/ paedophile?

Hugs for the hug shy. Marc, Rob & Sophie.

You overwhelm me.

I felt like a post needed to be made despite lack of time or effort. This always happens during the summer because there is just so much to do and when not, the pure lack of effort overrules me from getting up from the TV and writing a blog entry. Nonetheless I can't deny the fact that I am unbelievably happy with things right now, no school, minimal work, okay illness on the roll however that can be over looked and the most perfect guy for me right now. Don't get me wrong, this isn't some whirlwind romance and I don't want it to be, what it is, is the opposite of what I had with Petr, slow, down to earth, no head over heels just taking things as they come. Now I have to admit that I have gotten a lot deeper in that I would have anticipated but that's all part of it, it's conservative, no pressure only what we want, what we wish. Now we've been together officially for about a month now but have been together for 4 now yet there's no soppy I love you's, we act like a couple and have had 'the talk' but still, there are no final decisions and Ross let's me call the shots because to him it's all okay. As long as the soppiness doesn't get too much which is all perfect by me. We joke about turning soppy anyway, because we have but not in a disgusting way, we are still very much two independent individuals enjoying each others company [like the poem I referred to in a blog entry a few months ago].

It's what I find perfect, the fact that it is so different to what I had with Petr, so stable yet satisfying. The funny thing is that we haven't even slept together yet, would you believe it? No reasons behind it, I mean yes, fooled around but no actual sex and I'm actually comfortable with that, it's a little frustrating at times I won't lie however I don't mind because I'm fairly certain that he's still sexually attracted by me and I'm happy not having sex for a while because he makes me happy and treats me well, he's a good guy.

I really don't want to go back to Czech now because this happy fantasy will just slip away from me but I guess treasuring time is something we may have to learn to do. I just hope he thinks it's worth the try; the next few weeks should show this. I hate having to count down, always, in any relationship, meaning that there's always a lump in my throat. I guess it means I treasure more time with Ross and he treasures me more, which he really does. His texts, somethings he says and does, they just overwhelm me because I'd never expect it. He's truly great.

Definitely happy.

HENLEY REGATTA.
2nd July 2011.

Portfolio.

Just one of the pictures from my PYNK photo shoot. Face expression isn't great.

The beautiful Henley Regatta.

The joys of being English and middle class: Regatta's, polo matches, Ascot races, champagne in Chelsea..

So... I took the plunge last night. I don't honestly know why but all I know is that I'm happy about it. Scared shitless of course but glad nonetheless. It was the perfect way to happen really, at Royal Henley Regatta.

He persuaded me to go on the Friday night. We spent the day together but it didn't quite seem like enough so decided to go out for a few drinks down the local in the evening and he kept telling me to go so eventually I gave in but I said that I wouldn't go with him, that I'd go with Sophie and that if we ran into each other then good but if we didn't then it didn't matter either. Coincidence had it that they got out the car right behind us at Twyford station so it couldn't have been any more perfect. He greeted me with a little kiss and then we just hung around, I got to know Alex (best friend) and Sophie got to know everyone. It was nice, we split up a bit but then mostly ended up together anyway; met a few nice people but mostly enjoyed each others company. A nice little foursome.

Last Monday (yes skipping a little) me and Ross started being affectionate in public. The hand holding, hugging, occasional kissing etc which moved us along a little more to the affection again and it made me a little more uncertain because I fell for him there and then. I just couldn't help myself from then, I wanted to spend all this time with him and he just made me so happy. The familiar feeling of affection which I was trying to hard to avoid; this carried on through to Friday night. I just didn't want to leave him.

Back to Saturday, we had just bought VIP passes to one of the posher Henley Regatta areas, a private party. Me and Sophie went off to the loos and came back and Ross was acting a little strange. Didn't give me a hug or hold my hand when we got to him or anything so I got a little weary. Soon enough I found out that the psycho ex 'Jackie' was there; right in front of us. It was the scariest thing ever. I swear. I just felt so damn awkward I didn't know what to do, obviously the biggest dilemna we faced til now. Anyway, I distanced myself a little and spoke to Sophie and Stuart about the issue a little and then just chatted. Ross disappeared to the loo too and when he came back and it looked like he had gotten myself together a little more. We threw a few words about it together and things were okay. He took me by the hand and we went into the VIP area where we completely forgot about the bitch. I mean she's still always at the back of my mind but that would never go away and she is fatter than me and uglier and I'm with him now so bottom line is that I win.

We went and sat down and just chatted for a while. During this, Kayle kept texting me telling me to have 'the talk' with Ross and I kept telling him to piss off because it seemed so absurd to have any sort of talk. I mean this was supposed to be a fling after all which may have gotten a little out of hand, I would have never have though 'the talk' was necessary. But it just happened regardless. We were just sat there and all of a sudden he goes 'Yeah but you're fucking off anyway so..' and I was like 'Well yeah but.. ' and looked all sad. I don't quite remember the details but we discussed the entire thing. Spain, Czech, university, how we didn't plan this how it could and couldn't work. The whole long distance thing. It took a while, Alex and Sophie went to leave us in peace as they saw something was going on. But we just kissed and cuddled. Like an awful soppy couple. Disgusting, haha. When we spoke about it all he just said the sensible thing ' Look, this is your choice because I'm not going anywhere, you know how I feel about you but it's you going to university and so you have to decide whether you want to do this.' It took me a while to think things through and I kept saying that I didn't know but I came up with the decision of let's see how we manage with the distance in the few weeks of the summer and that we can go from there but that I think we can do it. Give it a shot at least. That I wasn't the type of girl to a) date guys my age b) fuck someone over who I genuinely cared about (careful avoidance of the word 'love' here). But because he had never done the long distance thing before that he would have to see too of course whether it was worth it. I think we ended the conversation indefinitely because the fireworks started so we just kissed some more but it is still my choice and I think we are pretty much together anyway. Through out the day and before people have called me his girlfriend and said that we're going out and I've just stopped denying it. It happened without me being able to stop it.

I mean the evening couldn't have been anymore perfect in this sense. It was great. I was also quite high for the majority of today because I couldn't believe how happy it made me. The fact that he actually told me how he cared. The extent. For him it's such a huge deal and I managed to make him putty in my hands. Gosia said that he's basically in love with me. Another sign that makes me feel like this could work is that all of a sudden I have loads of guys chatting me up which always happens when I solidify things. But nonetheless, my final decision was to wait to see how we get through summer and that he can decide whether the distance is worth it or not. I would quite like to make this work because regardless him being a lazy slob, he is trying for me and maybe he can achieve and he truly cares about me. The scary thing is that it seems like he cares so much more than Petr ever did. I've fallen for him. A lot. It's not love yet but it's scarily close. I just want to see him and spend more time with him.

What makes it funny is that I went into this for a fling and not only have we still not had sex i.e. the longest I've ever not & it doens't bug me (weird I know) but then we've spent so much time together and are just happy. That I've never felt so happy and this guy was supposed to be a prick. Even Kayle approves. It's unreal. Just makes me think ... a lot.