My adoration for Italian.

I mean honestly, how beautiful is this song? The words just seem to intertwine into one another. Even though I adore Spanish, I can truly say there is no language more beautiful than Italian. I wish I could understand more. Come to think of it.. I will.

Te amo carino.

The love you seek and more.

It's funny, it took me over a year and a half to figure out what you really are, I knew, to a certain extent that you were a guy with lowered conscience but now I realize that all you are is a cheap liar. The kind of guy that treats girls like objects but they don't realize because they think they're a princess when with him. It's that incredible charm that I used to fall for all the time; the ego maniacs, the pretty boys, however underneath it all, they're nothing but selfish single minded little boys who look like men.

There is a certain weak stop for this guy in every girl but you have to learn to overcome it with getting hurt. Getting hurt so much you didn't think was possible. But in the end, you come out stronger and you've learnt your lesson, to look for a different type of guy, nonetheless, the repair takes time and makes you close up for a long time so you can take apart and put back together every little piece of you that he broke, or in some cases the ones you broke yourself ... There'll always be a part of you that hurts when you remember anything about the time you had together. How much you have up for him, how perfect you felt but now, you realise that he had at least 2 other girls on the go at the same time. You think you're okay now, you know you're okay but he will always stay in your memory with a little bit of feeling left, even if it's just negativity. You'll always remember your first, the worst and the strangest but right as well as the one you love/ loved the most; because they're the important loves. The people that will always keep a little piece of your heart even if you don't want them to.


 

Free from this frame of mind.

Don't rain on my parade.

Okay, I know you didn't mean to do this and that you were upset, if anything you were complimenting me on my perseverance but it has made me feel guilty for my achievement, guilty for all this hard work that I do every day, I put so much on the line and the satisfaction right now is nowhere near what it should be but I carry on even when I would do anything to stop because it's my main goal in life. But after you wrote what you did to me and we spoke, it made me feel guilty for you not having the perseverance, I didn't want to gloat because I felt bad for you. But then, all of a sudden, I just thought to myself... why should I feel so bad for so much hard work? Even if it is for you. I refuse to do this, it doesn't matter how much I love you but my future is it for me.

I have worked so hard in my life to get to where I am, so hard. I came to England not speaking a word of English at the age of 8 and 10 years later, I am at one of the 3 best sixth form colleges in the country and I have gotten conditional offers from 4 great universities and I think back and about 7 years ago, I could still not speak English properly but now look at me. I have two basic GCSE educations, in the Czech Republic and England, not speaking of the many GCSEs I have from school and now, I am studying at A-B level for my final years of A-Level. My future is International Law, I want to travel, work for a big company, meet the contacts and I WILL make it regardless of anything else. This is my ambition, this is my life and I will not have you make me feel bad about it. I know you're having a hard time at the moment but I've tried to help yet only made things worse therefore I'll let you decide and only support you from now on. We have ideas that are far too different on this matter, a different mentality.

I don't blame you, I know in your eyes you haven't done anything wrong but this is such a big deal to me that I will not be put down, even the slightest bit about the efforts I have. I want you to be proud of me, not ashamed that you haven't taken the same opportunities. Everybody is different and they find what they want in life their way. You have other goals which I am envious of but this is the one successful aspect of my life that has never gotten me down. This has been consistent and it means everything to me therefore I can't take you saying anything negative about it. So much has gone into this, I have left every single last bit of energy on it and still don't achieve anywhere as much as I would like so I want the support all the more. This is the most important year of my life so far, if I get into university, I can do this but this year is so tough because the competition is so high. You have to understand my determination, the desperate need to do this because in my eyes, if I fail this, I have failed my life. Failed all my family and all the expectations, this is why so much is riding on it. I just want you to try to understand that and to understand that I am here for you to support you all the way even if I'd do things differently; because I love you and you're the most important person in my life but I need this to be right, to have you on my side and make me feel like I'm achieving not feeling bad that you've got a different lifestyle and different priorities.

- Eve Anna x

'I hope you don't mind that I put down in words...

...How wonderful life it now you're in the world!'

I am not just a piece of meat.

I think I may have to start wearing a sign with 'Not a just a piece of meat!' on my forehead.

See I've been disappointed in men again. I don't know why I even bother getting my expectations up because its the same everytime. I think he's being a genuine nice guy & wants to help me & he just sees me as a piece of meat. Doesn't matter whether he's 17 or 70. They're all the same. I thought he was offering me a job or telling me about his work but he just wanted my number so he could pester me & ask me out even though he knows my age & he's well into his mid 40's. Nonetheless, I have the important details now & don't need to see him more than at work whilst he's visiting his dad. The stupid thing is that he seemed like a genuine nice guy therefore I don't see where this came from... He's 45 for crying out loud. He's my step dads age (ish) & its totally ruined the excitement of getting such an amazing opportunity for Petr. I mean this could change everything, it'd be amazing but its such a big risk & the fact that I can't properly share because he's unavailable & the fact that this nice guys being such a perv, its just not right. I don't see what old men find so attractive in me, especially when I tell them my age, this is becoming sicker by the month.

On the other hand though, I look at this as an opportunity. It's not difficult to ignore somebody's texts and possible advances if there is that much as stake. I mean this is the perfect career for Petr right now, in my opinion of course therefore it would be amazing if he finished his degree, didn't have to start a new one, then come here for a 3 year apprenteship whilst also getting paid to study and eventually end up going into the career he wanted of marketing. This job would open up so many opportunities for him, it would be perfect. The location as well. The fact that I got this opportunity to offer him, it's just too good to miss. I just wish I could share my excitement with him rather than sit here on my arse; also I can see how annoying my excietement will be because it is a big deal and it's his life. He has to consider this big time and wait for another possible job opening in Bristol until he finishes his degree... again, hypothetically.

This is all just in my mind of the future if he chose to take this risk. But the company is amazing, the new upcoming thing and I could help him get this job. If he is willing to take this risk, then I am willing to feel insecure from an old man for a while. I am just so excited for such an opportunity, also the fact that I got work experience in a soliciters' office today which pretty much makes my life complete right now. Other than the revision which I should be doing right now.

This is a link to the company's website, it really is the perfect job in my eyes. A perfect opportunity!

http://www.caice.co.uk/

Unbelievable.

And you know what? Right now, I don't feel important to anyone. Everyone has something better to do than be concerned about me or anything to do with me. If you know I'm not okay and I've told you so, you should know better than to leave. That is all.

Take me away, yeah.

Let's face it, 10 days until my exam period begins, I really don't have the time or knowledge of my subjects enough to preoccupy my mind with anything but revision right now so I'm turning on NME Radio & not pausing it until I feel so tired I have to sleep. I'm blanking out everything and everyone else because this is it. This is my life and my future, everything I want and I have to work damn hard for it; not worry about any trivial issues right now. Cool.

Definitely not defining simplicity.

For once I can't formulate this into words, something just won't let my brain change my thoughts into words. It's that feeling that something is wrong yet the uncertainty of knowing what. I know I made a mistake on New Years Eve and the fact that I've made so many mistakes since Spain but still, I don't think I ought to feel so guilty for them. There's just something about the way Petr says 'it's okay' that makes me not think it is; yes it may be paranoia but on top of there being something wrong with him now and me being so far away and feeling so helpless.

I worry about Petr because I know how insecure he can be. I know it's nothing to do with us nor any other girls apparently but I didn't think it had anyway. I don't really care what it is right now I just want him to be okay, he says he needs to sort it out on his own and that's why I want him to help himself; not enquire what the root of the problem is. This time, asking what the problem is and why it is bothering him is secondary after him being happy again. It is also unfortunate that it's a day after I left; maybe even the same day which does make my thought process link it back to my departure and whether it's something to do with that.

Could it possibly be that I embarrassed him so much that evening that his friends are giving him grief? I don't want him to have to go through that but then again I doubt that any of them would say much or do anything to make him so closed up not to even want to tell me.

The last true thing it could be is something to do with family, let's just hope it's not that because none of them deserve anything bad. It cannot be any problems between them though, it just can't...

Or something to do with his school, with Erasmus or the degree change he wants to go through next year; maybe if his dad is okay with it..

I am blabbing right now, I know, however I'm worried and I can't help him with anything and the fact that he hasn't told me freaks me out even more. I respect it and don't want him to tell me just because he reads this or something, no way am I forcing him but still I'm worried and I can't help it. This is just an outlet, a way of calming my worry without chanelling the negativity onto someone else, someone who doesn't deserve it.

This is all about one thing: I want Petr to be okay, happy.

Written on 1/1/2011. New start, new worry.

I'm scared. Yet again I went completely hysterical on the one person that I love more than anything in the world. The problem is in me, all the anger I have from never saying a word to my family. Always agreeing, habouring everything inside & then I go completely scitz over nothing; embarrassing him, me even more so. I always worry about what people think about me, well I've gone & done it this time. Its his reactions that make me so mad, quite a lot of the time he just reacts like he doesn't care & when I do something similiar to him, he gets upset & tells me straight away. I hate double standards. I just worry about saying anything because I don't want him to get angry at me & me ending up feeling like its my fault. He doesn't mean to do it but somehow he just looks so carefree sometimes & even his friends turn to me and ask whether I'm okay. Yesterday evening was good actually, there wAs barely anything to make me think but then it was the alcohol talking & I don't remember a thing. I just don't want to ruin something so amazing. Another thing is that when I apologise over & over, he'll be okay but he makes me think about it & I know its not truly okay. Yes, I know its partly to make me think about making the same mistake twice but it means that I stew & worry for weeks & months about something that's not supposed to be such a big deal. I want us to be okay, I want us to be happy. I don't want us to argue, especially about such things. I don't know why all this is happening, I just keep wanting to scream to get rid of the stress which builds up because I don't want to get drunk and be such a bitch to the guy I want to be with. Despite everything. I can't describe how much I care for him but I'm worried that even that can't heal how things happened. He says we're okay but I can't honestly believe it. Why can't it be just us two? Just happy, no fights, nobody else involved trying to interfere. I can't say more than 'I will love you, always'. Please..