Luckiest girl on earth.

Today I made my first big mistake in my 'relationship', I don't think I can avoid calling it anything but a relationship now but if I'm honest I want to be in a relationship, it doesn't scare me anymore. I don't know what came over me yesterday, my reaction was completely out of order and I'm so lucky that Petr took it as well as he did because most guys that I know would have caused a massive argument.

When Petr dropped the bombshell on me I was extatic! I just couldn't stop smiling because I saw it as a step forward in the right direction. I acted like a 5 year old, jumping into the pool and basically squealing, the guys were not impressed but if I'm honest, I couldn't care less, at that point I couldn't think anything better could happen. Petr & I spoke after and I was still so happy but I felt bad that he had to go through the break up itself. It may have been that that made me so unsure in the first place because I felt a certain degree of guilt regardless what Petr had said about it not being my fault. Yes, I know it would have happened sooner or later but I still feel bad for her, the fact that if I hadn't had interfeered, things may have turned out differently. Yes, probably unlikely but for some reason my conscience had just got the better of me.

Another point which scared me was the vulnerability. All of a sudden the fright of putting myself out there for somebody came back, everything that happened in summer flashed past in my mind over and over, so much that I just curled up on the sofa next to my step dad and fell asleep. I know Petr isn't like Lukas in any way and he would never do anything like that but just in that moment, I over reacted and went completely crazy with worry. I thought about it all through out the next day but I couldn't figure out what was actually wrong with me because I was supposed to be beyond happy about this, yet it scared me. The only thing that brought me back to reality was a worried mail from Petr, I still don't understand how but he knew something was wrong. He sounded genuinely worried and after speaking to him in the evening, I realised just how much I'd ruined his day by being so unrealistic with my worry. I made such a simple moment so complicated in my head and wasn't only worrying myself but also the one person who I would least want to worry or hurt in my life. I had to kick myself & realise that the dreading feeling I felt all day was nothing but a non-existant problem I myself was trying to create. I have no idea why I was subconsciously sabotaging everything but by the time I realised I was doing this, it was too late, I had already made Petr uneasy. I hate myself for doing that. Yes, saying that may be a little melodramatic but it's true. I hate it enough when he's not feeling great, when he's stressed, let alone if I'm the one causing the negative feeling.

That was the final push towards snapping out of my absurd mood & realising that I have everything that I could possibly ask for in this one guy & then if I were to do anything to jeapordise it, big or small, then I wouldn't forgive myself. Still, I just can't believe he was so understanding, I'm the luckiest girl on earth.

overcoming fears.

These words have literally just come to me. I have no reasons as to why or how but they feel right all of a sudden. Saying them out loud to myself, I could imagine saying them to Petr. I have never been able to even think about such a big step let alone admit it to myself but if we fight through all the difficulties then we can trully be together. The words won't seem like much to anybody else but to me, they're inexplicable, I can't explain why they're such a big deal to utter because I think without the use of those words, we have briefly discussed the concepts but I have always been a little scared of the thought but now.. I feel ready to be able to admit to myself that this is quite possible now. I just want to be able to say to him..

'I want to spend my future with you.'

Friday night, home sweet home.

So I bound myself into staying in tonight just so I could revise. Of course, that didn't quite go to plan as instead I sunbathed, watched lame Friday night TV & snacked on half a tub of ice cream & there has really been no positive outcome to any of it; I feel sick, my revision hasn't moved an inch and I could have gone out. I suppose this is always the last place I venture when I'm bored so I thought why not, there is always something to ramble on about.

I have literally started counting down the days before I get to Czech, mainly before I get to see Petr again. So today I've set the countdown at 42 days. Even though it may be a few days extra, it's always nicer that the days go faster rather than slower. Also I don't know when I will finally kick my step dad into gear and he pays for the tickets. That's why I'm not placing any certainties yet; I'm already anticipating the arrival so much, I don't want more disappointment that it will in fact be further away than I thought.

I know my blog is getting boring as this is all I go on about but it is only for my eyes therefore I don't feel guilty & will rant away about Petr however much I feel the need to. I'm still completely overwhelmed by the seriousness of our 'relationship', but all in a good way, don't get me wrong, I adore it but it still suprises me that someone can love me enough to be the way he is. I just don't understand why.. not in the slightest. But I'm learning not to question it and just accept it because I know it's true.

In all honesty, the word 'relationship' still scares me a little. I'm okay with being in a relationship but as soon as someone puts a label on it, I have to think momentarily. It's slowly going away and is only an after effect of the hurt hence my commitment phobia & so on.. I wouldn't say it's the fright of commitment for me anymore, it is just the emotions invested into a relationship, literally giving yourself up entirely for someone who may or may not choose to just throw you away. I'm almost certain I don't have to worry about this with Petr but sometimes that bug in the back of my mind just eats away at my thoughts making me paranoid about the 'what ifs'. This is absurd in itself because there is no point worrying about the 'what ifs', especially when they are so unlikely but you have to expect to run into bumps down the line somewhere and the future of your relationship depends on how you decide to deal with them, personally for me that is communication.

Communication has always been a problem in my family, which is why it is such a key for me in other people surrounding me. My parents would rather stay quiet through out a problem and then solve it by losing it and acting completely over the top, shouting, screaming without knowing where the original problem started. This is my main fear in a relationship, the fact that I won't be able to communicate with my partner enough to be able to put across our feelings in order to solve our disputes calmly and with reason. I don't want to become like my mum & step dad. Of course, trust is another key issue but that is completely vital, no question about it.

I don't know why I suddenly started talking about all of the above, it doesn't have anything to do with Petr, I trust him and there is no problem in communication or honesty whatsoever, even if it pretty early on. There is genuinely nothing wrong between us two alone. Another story is the girlfriend issue. A friend and I were talking about me & Petr the other day and she was happy for me but then said 'You do realise there are three of you in this relationship.' That made me bitter for a little while, I don't look at it in that way, I won't let myself because there would be unneccesary upset but when one of your closest friends says it, it's different somehow. I won't be phased by it in the slightest, no, the issue isn't mine to deal with and the more I get involved the more it will hurt so I am just pretending that there is no problem. Also the fact that he isn't sleeping with her makes it a thousand times better in my eyes, I just keep telling myself, that he is doing the best he can. But I'll stop contemplating the girlfriend now as there's no use for this bitterness.

Maybe it is just a negative evening, I think of something positive to write about but then twist it round to something negative. No reason as to why because I have never been so happy in my life with someone and I won't try and pick loop holes and ruin it, not like the majority of my friends. It is an obvious mistake which most girls make because of their insecurities and I shouldn't have any insecurities because I love and trust Petr.

Despite such a negative and pointless blog entry, he really is still perfect.

Meeting the one.

Everybody always says that when you meet the one, you will know it's the one. For me it wasn't so at all; yes I was charmed and blown away by this guy but I never presumed he would end up loving me so much let alone wanting the spend his future with me. We didn't speak much for the first half an hour of our encounter and I knew he was taken, in a long term relationship, so I didn't even try to flirt, I just enjoyed his company. Another thing, we talk about how we met and when we first realised the attraction and I've always said it was when the dancing begun but in fact it wasn't. I have only just realised this but it was when we first started chatting and joking around, I mistook it for drunken flirtation on my part but looking back I see it was more, I wanted to chat to him, to get to know him: but furthermore, to impress him, make him like me. I don't know how or why but it was my self consciousness making my mind up. Also I trusted him, another memory just dawned on me, he was playing with a lighter on the table, waving his fingers through the flame and I was really uncomfortable, worried really. We laughed it off and then he suggested I'd do it and I said no straight away as I was far too frightened. Eventually he convinced me to do so but I still couldn't but then all of a sudden, I trusted him and did it without being scared, he held my finger first off all but then there was no need. I somehow felt safe by his advice even in the stupidest of situations, it's realisations like this that I look back at and think; when did I really realise that it was special?

Every time I try to write about him, I am stumped for words what I feel really is indescribable.

The only words that come to mind when I try describe my feelings are 'perfection, peace, love, safety & trust'. I literally cannot place my own thoughts in my own head, let alone try to write them down in prose. Often when he tells me how he feels, all I can do is stare and smile because inside I am writhing with happiness. So much so, that I can barely utter back replies, it is so hard to tell him anything but 'I love you' because I can't think of words for my feelings, even though this sounds like soppy romantic fiction, I have no idea what to say back that could compare with his compliments. Of course, forgetting my mother tongue and then trying to use it for sweet nothings isn't the easiest either but he understands that & often just laughs at my mistakes. I need to try harder to be able to tell him just how special he is.

We spoke about more plans for summer today again, especially how we would discuss our future and he said we would really need to talk things through properly. It scares me being told about 'the talk' because being not every 17 year old is portrayed to such a situation. If I'm honest, I don't exactly know what 'the talk' implies, whether it is just about his girlfriend and how serious we will get or whether it is going into detail i.e. how and when we will finally get to be together properly. I love him to the moon and back but my commitment phobia is in the back of my mind screaming that this is all happening too fast and it could all go wrong. Right now, there is nothing to stop me from taking the risk because I know it's worth it and that he is the one but what if when it all starts to become reality, he can't handle the stress of moving? Or he changes his mind and leaves me with the ultimatum of either moving to him or ending it. I cannot imagine him doing such a thing, don't get me wrong, I think he is far too much of a perfect person for that but it is a possibility and the fact that I'm in so deep with him makes me think of what I would do if I ever lost him. I can't imagine it. Yet I'm only 16 and meeting the love of my life and us staying together 'til death do us part' is so minuscule, yes there are many stories of it happening but those are stories of a different society with different values, what if individuals today aren't as tolerant with each other? More over, what if they aren't willing to stand by the one they love through 'better or worse'.

These are just silly worries, I know that. I know that by the time we work things out in such details, we would have worked out some kind of realistic procedure of everything over a normal time period without any rushed judgements or decisions. That is the only thing that I can see killing the relationship so far, making rushed decisions and realising they are mistakes far too late.

However, it is far too early for me to have such worries. There is plenty of time to make informed decisions and these queries are nothing but rushed. Although natural, they could bring our relationship crashing down therefore I have to somehow stop my brain for over analysing everything and just be open with my thoughts and feelings. After all, it's wrong if you can't be honest with the one person who knows you best in the whole wide world.