'Say goodnight and go' does it really work that way?

'Say goodnight and go'

After listening to one of my all time favorite artists Imogen Heap on repeat for several hours, once again I started thinking about just how meaningful her songwriting can be. Of course, she is very much of an extrovert but also an enormously intelligent and meaningful lyricist.

I have now begun to contemplate that the entire concept of 'say goodnight and go' isn't all that much of a bad idea. Out of my past two relationships, neither of them had me be happy and even though the two men were complete opposites, I was never entirely satisfied with either. After wasting a rather long time moping around because of my mistakes I decided to go on the rebound (stupid idea but it seemed the best at the time). The idea of rebounding seemed simple enough: nothing serious, a good time with or without a possibility of continuing beyond just a one night stand. Or so I thought.. :/

February 2009

I met 'Guildford boy' (despite the picture, I don't want to mention his real name) at an out of control house party in Bramley, Surrey and from the moment I set my eyes on him, I said to myself 'Damn, this boy might be worth a shot!' So I set him as my target for the evening. As the party got more out of hand, our conversation started to flow better and by 9pm we were right down the bottom of the garden in a dark corner getting to know eachother... much better. Everybody knew the party was pretty much ruined so they tried to make the rest of their evening at least a littel more enjoyable and let's face it, so did Guildford boy and me. A quick fumble upstairs later, nearly getting interupted by the police we both made our seperate ways downstairs, very giddy looks upon our faces. It was great, he clearly knew what he was doing but it didn't seem overpowering or had me feel self-conscious, a very fun way to pass our time whilst everybody panicked downstairs.

Later that night I ran into my friend Katherine, the girl who I'd been invited to this party by and she dragged me into a corner and started quizzing me about Guildford boy. I turned out he not only had a girlfriend but I knew her, very well in fact. I walked away feeling like the worlds' worst bitch. Afterwards I found out that they were on the verge of a break up, on her behalf, this made me feel alot better, even though it was still no excuse. I solved my sadness by drinking away at the free alcohol and then being pulled by some random ginger stranger, who has been a very presistent stalker ever since. I suppose it's extremely embarrasing but it's so hilarious as all this was because of a supposable rebound. So by the end of an unsuccessful night (yes even with the good sex) the fact that he cheated on my friend didn't quite fullfill my aim of the evening. I thought this was it, we might meet again at parties occasionally but nothing was going to happen, I had to put my rather large crush behind me. OH DEAR LORD WAS I WRONG..

A few days later, ice cream in hand, T.V. remote in the other, not forgetting some coffee and a blanket, I was enjoying a lazy Sunday, relaxing after a rather eventful weekend. A part of my mind was wondering around Guildford boy but then my the other was scolding it for not forgetting that fun night so I decided a therapy of 'Sex and the City' was in order. One part of Carrie and Big's unsuccessful wedding and several tissues later my phone rang with an unfimilliar number, not thinkning it would be anybody interesting, I picked up.

'Hello?'

'Hey Eve, its 'Guildford boy'. How are you?'

'Hi... erm.. I'm okay, thanks, erm... what about you?'

'Yeah I'm good thanks, I wanna see you again though. When are you coming down to see me next?'

'To see you? I'm going for a night out at Park Hatch next Friday but I was planning on seeing Katherine..'
'Well you know what? I don't normally go there but I'll come next Friday and we can get to know eachother a little better, okay?'

'What about your girlfriend?'
'Oh.. erm well, don't worry about that babe, I'll tell you next Friday.'

'Erm.. okay, talk later then?'

Yeah, speak soon babe.'

..and we did. (actually I never found out how he managed to get my number) He called me most nights where, after I got over the strangeness of the entire situation, conversation flowed very easily considering we met once and barely had anything in common. It was nice and I didn't really think of it becoming anything so I kept my guard down. It looked like my 'say goodnight and go' logic wasn't quite working out for me this time but as long as I didn't fall for my one night stand rebound I was perfectly satisfied. After seeing him that Friday nothing more happened. He bought me an excessive amount of drinks so we laughed for the entire time and then when he had to leave, he left me with my friends, making sure I was safe and said his goodnight with a long bear hug which left me wondering how much I could hypothetically really like this boy and whether 'this seeing more of him' business was at all a good idea considering the distance between us and the fact that he was still theoretically in a relationship. Nevertheless I let my drunken state convince the rest of me that this was in fact a very good potential relationship (but then again in my drunken self I also managed to call up several of my exes and a 20 year old who apparently 'loves' me announcing my new found 'man plan' prior to having my drink spiked and spending about an hour by the toilet bowl before passing out. I thank god for such amazing friends.)

Ever since that little moment, my crush was now brilliantly over and I had began to use the term 'like' i.e. 'Yes, I have really begun to like the guy.' therefore I was at that vulnerable phase where every girl hates being because this was either the make or break point. Either he would put in more effort in which case we would get to know eachother better and then maybe thinking about working things out or he wouldn't call again and that would be the end of our little pretentious romance. Of course the distance and lack of communication didn't make me feel any better as I'm an impatient person and of course this relationship would no doubt require alot of patience.

I soon found out that it was going to be neither of the mentioned above. The issue was the distance because I could only go to Guildford every so of ten whilst he wouldn't come and visit me. I think it was his drinknig that got in the way to be honest, everytime I saw him, we were at a party so he was completely wasted and then barely spoke to anybody just paraded around acting like a complete tosser then blaming it on the fact that he was too shy. COMPETE BOLLOCKS. We sprung it along for a few more months until July and then after our last drunken conversation on the phone, I decided that was the end of that and that I was better off without him. Apparently he really really liked me and was upset to let me go but towards the end of our little nothing I made considerably more effort because of his 'shyness' but just ended up feeling like a fool. I don't know how he feels about me at the moment but I can say that when I see him next time it is going to be extremely akward as I will no longer be willing to put myself out there.

All I have left to say until I run into him by mistake again, is that his new haircut makes me wet myself everytime I see it. It's absolutely brilliant!! The sad thing is I still pretty much fancy the pants off of him :)

Outcome of this 'say goodnight and go' rebound was that this in fact does not work. The only way that I think such a method would work is that you will never be able to see the person again so that feelings do not develop. A strictly no contact after rule I believe. After all the contact, your feelings get dragged out and that's when it starts to hurt you. I know that now, but for figuring out that it only works this way, I needed another man to help me along the way..

July 2009

This gorgeous boy's name is ' the instructor' and I am completely and utterly in 'fake imaginery' love with him. In all honesty, we shared very little in common but somehow, it was just what we both needed, a little bit of a 5 day nothing with a brilliant last night consisting of ' no strings attached' sex.

As we set of on our little camping adventure, I really had no clue what to expect as I was going with three girls who I barely got on with. Nevertheless I told myself that I would make this experience enjoyable no matter what despite the obvious disapprovement of my new 'holiday friends'.

The outline of the adventure...

first night- Terential downpour sans alcohol, cigarettes or a dry place to sleep. So far, to even remotely attractive males in the surrounding area.

second night- Drunken phone call and argument with 'Guildford Boy', still no attractive males close by therefore an early night in the not so dry tent, crying and generally moping on the phone to my lovely Gary.

third day- HELLO GORGEOUS KAYAK INSTRUCTOR!! :)

third evening- Oh the quest for 'the instructor' has begun. There are 4 females and 1 male. It feels like I have become a lioness in the jungle, all in for the prize but only one of us will walk away with 'it', considering the fact that I'm horny and alone as well as extremely determined, I believe I'm in for a very decent chance. Eyes on the prize.

fourth evening- We all decided to venture for drinks in the local pub. 4 females, 2 males, which in my opinion is absurd as I don't particularly enjoy female company in the first place, let alone when they're all fighting over one man. I seem to be making progress though, the countless 'x's on his texts, the relationship we are both building steadily through banter and flirting, alot more progress than any of my fellow girlfriends are making. It's quite sad really but I'm satisfied as I now know I'll be the winner and that is my main satisfaction. After all, this is clearly a game so I put my sexy mode into full and surely, by the end of the evening I have gained one very good smelling boy hoodie, one very sore but satisfied set of lips, a few scratches on my back from the pub wall and a sense of not quite enough satisfaction.

fifth day & evening- I refuse to describe this in detail as one of my close friends is reading this blog and I'm sure that after this he would no longer remain a close friend but rather a person I used to know but who no longer likes or respects me. Let's just say neither me or 'the instructor' spent much of the day dressed. He asked me out for a lovely picnic but the picnic blanket was not used to the placement food.. Later we decided to stroll along the river but only made it to a nearby bush. In the evening, he decided to show me 'the highropes' (no, not a filthy inuendo) but we made a use for the dirty picninc blanket one more time. The biggest surprise was that through out the entire day he has so sweet and gentil, the worry of starting to enjoy his company too much was starting the settle in. Nevertheless as I fell asleep in my tent for the last night, I felt entirely satisfied, as far as I was concerned I had hit the jackpot: a gorgeous boy who I has amazing sex with yet I felt barely any emotional attachment towards whatsoever and he had chosen me out of four other girls, my self-esteem was soaring sky high.

My conclusion from this example made it pretty simple. 'Say goodnight and go' is possible in certain circumstances but there are always a certain few must have elements within the fling otherwise staying emotionally seperate is virtually impossible. These are: 1) Distance, 2) Lust not Love, 3) No more than 1 Week. 4) Both know the boundaries. If any of these become blurred in the slightest, I can safely say that it will become unrealistically complicated and one of you, most likely you, will become unneccesarily hurt. Although, don't get me wrong, either of you can become hurt by this at any point therefore I would never judge this as a safe option if you are emotionally unstable in the slightest, it is a 'fun at your own risk' situation where the method of 'Cost & Reward' has to be applied at all times. Unless you have studied psychology I don't expect you to know of this, in simple terms it means the process each person makes before they make a decision. The question is 'Is the cost of getting involved more than the reward I shall receive after?' It can be applied in most circumstances and is a subconscious necessity which I am trying to apply to the theory of 'say goodnight and go'. In any case, if you're not a 100% sure that the fling will be a healthy bonus for you, there is no point in getting involved as it is often more complicated than anticipated anyway therefore caution may never be enough.

Bright and early one Friday morning

This morning's had me contemplate suicide since the moment I woke up. The series of events that have already spiced up my morning along with having only had about 6 hours sleep clearly only show one path for me. (YES, THIS IS CLEARLY A JOKE)

Not only was I woken up 3 times at 7am and dragged out of bed by having a glass of cold water thrown over me, but then whilst showering my shower turned freezing cold, I had to shower for 15 minutes in a temperature which now I believe has given me a rather nasty cold. 7:45 by this point and this wasn't even the beginning. So I wandered out of the bathroom in a little towel (not worrying about my dignity: apparently I was alone in the flat) singing along to Joshua Radin, in a better mood already ( they say cold water showers are good for you in the mornings, this has lead me to believe so) and managed to walk straight into, yes physically into one of our builders. I dropped my towel, screamed, picked up my towel and ran into the sitting room. Never in my life have I been so embarrassed, actually that's a lie, I've done plenty of things I should be ashamed and embarrassed off but as this happened only a few hours ago, I still feel mortified. I still haven't been able to face any of the builders as I know for a fact that the sniggering won't stop for quite some time. By now I'm supposed to be out in the sun, sunbathing and drinking but of course my family have ruined that for me also until a later time therefore I'm extremely pissed and wasting time by writing.

Even though I would love to get into contemplating my love life which is why I have started blogging yet again, there are still so many rants that I have yet to discuss such as the incompetance of this keyboard (yet again) causing me to proof read my writing over 4 times and then still finding mistakes. Also, blogger is ridiculously difficult to understand in a different language. I never thought of this as an issue as I'm fluent in the language therefore why should I have such stupid problems? I mean I wanted to edit yesterday's blog this morning because I thought it needed a bit of TLC in the grammar and layout departement but I can't even figure out where the 'EDIT' option is. I do know it must be somewhere really obvious, which I'll notice when I get back to England or when I have long given up on such luxuries..

Now I should be getting ready for my outing later on today but frankly, I can no longer be bothered. Instead I sit here listening to Joshua Radin, rememebring my first few weeks of summer which included a few glorious events :) Firstly my birthday, but it wasn't a birthday as such more of a birthweek, consisting of a surprise party, surprise night out, boat trip and other little surprises that my lovely friends organised for me. I no longer say that I'm scared of surprises, afterall there really is nothing to be afraid off is there?

Despite my need to go into discussion about Joshua Radin and then carry on wasting my time by the computer aimlessly, I have a much rather interesting discussion topic on my mind therefore this blog entry will not be finished and it will neither contain a point..

Well... Enjoy :)

- Eve Anna x

Every blog needs an introduction..

I never seem to surprise myself with blogging, this isn't the first time I've tried putting my life snippets into writing but after a while I always seem to run out of input or time to put into these pages but I suppose being in Czech for another whole summer with nothing but family and studies has drawn me to desperate measures.

The most annoying aspect of this is that I'm on such an ancient computer and a unbeliavably complicated foreign key board therefore I can't even add most punctuation into my writing as this key board doesn't provide such a thing. I guess until September, my next encounter with normality, I will just have to overcome my Ocds and try not to let these little minors bug me! After all, there's much more to contemplate and waste my time upon, i.e. men, the future and my mistakes.

My latest inspiration for starting on another new blog yet again has been my sheer enjoyment of having just finished Sienna Lewis'- The Intimate Adventures of an Office Girl. A whole book filled with secrets and sexy tales to make your toes curl and get that fimilliar sheepish grin unwillingly plastered on your face (whilst sitting next to a 50 year old pervert on the train). I can't deny that these 307 pages made my first week of hell and boredom much more bareable (not mentioning the amount of alcohol consumed along the side, the constant comfortings of my aunt and some major male flirtation). The best part for me was the pure bluntness and explicitness of this novel as it's based on a true blogger and shows many secret everday antics to be much less tabboo.

I don't know what I want to achieve from my blogging really. Whether I believe maybe seeing my problems in writing will help me make decisions easier or whether I just want to ramble on to nobody in particular, hoping that maybe there's somebody just as pathetic as myself who has nothing better to do than read my aimless blog. Nevertheless, I dont mean to be rude and I'll be glad for such readers (as long as too much judegement won't surpass) therefore also their advice. Even though I'm told that I give excellent advice, I can't ever help myself out.

I shall now say good night and carry on tomorrow as I'll no doubt have another early start with the builders. 7am bright and early, and this is what they think I call a holiday??.. (of course, knowing my luck there will be no remotely attractive ones yet again)

- Eve Anna x