It's interesting how so much can change within a matter of days. It can't be said towards better or worse, but I feel as if I've learnt just how important true priorities are. I mean I'm far too young for any big romance, I feel completely ruined by this stupid break up. So shit. But I have to move on, concentrate on exams and the rest of my life because damn, I have to live it to the full so I can achieve everything I want and not have regrets. Everything teaches me a lesson, and I have to learn from everything and yes this may mean I get hurt but I have to then move on. I won't let it hurt me more than I can help it.
Firstly, I've realised just how many people are there for me. Especially one person, a friend that I wouldn't expect to care but as soon as he saw it, he let me know that whatever I needed, I had his support. I mean on Friday, I don't remember anything past 7pm because I was so drunk. Sophie just looked after me for the evening and my parents had to take me home, this showed just how upset I am and I haven't been okay since. I just don't want to let Petr know that, I'd rather he be angry at me than to seem that vulnerable. Now we're over, I won't show him that side of me. But anyway, being that paralytic, I just called my mum. Sophie called Ross but I didn't want him to help me out like that, it's weird & I'd feel like I was in his debt somehow. He said he could've taken care of me and taken me home but we all know what that means so I said no. But anyway, I woke up at 5am because of a storm, still drunk. I mean I made a mess but my phone was filled with texts of people worried about me. Surprisingly from Simone, I didn't have his number and it was a weird text... reading it drunk and tired didn't help and I didn't know what set it off so I thought it was a wrong number but the next night I lay in bed thinking about it and realised it was him. He saw Petr change the relationship status on facebook so he was concerned. Can't say I was more surprised but it was nice to know that he cares. The more I read into the text, the more I see it has a double meaning. He says he has lost his balance, now it could be a lot of things but the text was quite strange and my mum seems to think it means a whole other thing. None the less, that makes no difference to me right now, I'm just grateful he showed me that he's here. He's special, I envy him so much and I hope he's going to be a life long friend and it looks like he wants this too. Anyway ... Also, a few people checked up on the next day because I was really bad at work. I was being sick the whole time, barely made it through my shift and I still feel terrible. Obviously I hadn't had time to text anybody and Ross came in at 1pm to see if I was alive. It was so funny, I'd just been sick and I had no make up, hair everywhere, glasses, felt like death and as I walked out the loo he was just walking past. So embarrassing. We said he was on his way to town and just wanted to check if I'd died in a ditch somewhere. Lovely. I guess it was cos I didn't text back or call or anything and I'd been such a mess. But anyway, we chatted for a bit whilst he helped me finish off my work and then he left and I went home with mum. He laughed at me though and told me I was a mess. It's hilarious. Charlie came into work today and we had a little chat and he confirmed everything the guys did on the Saturday after (Ross's birthday) and apparently it was just as horrific. Ross texted me the details and even tried to call at 3am but I wasn't having any of it so I told him to go away and went back to bed. Anyway, it was really nice to see Charlie and even funnier because now I know about him & Kala, it's so obvious they are together. It was so difficult not to say anything, I just kept laughing to myself.
Speaking of work, a big thing happened today. Pat Broberg died today whilst me & Nicola were in her room today, it was such a strange thing to experience. We were just saying good bye to her and a tear trickled down her face and she choked and that was it. She was gone, her face was just completely stone cold. She just looked as if she were asleep. So peaceful. It was such a shock, we had to note the exact time and what had happened and then they closed her eyes and mouth, laid her bed down and placed the blanket over it. It was over, just like that. It seems so weird, not like I've seen a dead person whatsoever only someone letting go of their shell, as my friend said. I can't quite shake the feeling off. So much seems to be altering, a new chapter opening. It feels ever so lonely, yet ever so fulfilling. And I feel supported. By my friends and family, the people I love who have been here for years and years and they love me; they have and always will be for me. That is final. And the fact that I'm going to get these grades for this damn degree.
But don't get me wrong. Petr thinks I'm a bitch etc but what he doesn't know is that he has broken me as much as he could. I don't want to love. It's not going to happen. I'm a closed library book. Borrow me but never have me for yourself, I won't be one persons anymore. Too much pain, too much loss. Petr feels so sorry for himself but what he doesn't realise that I've been a bitch to him so it's easier for him to be okay quicker, so he closes this chapter as quickly as possible. I've ruined our relationship but he'll be okay quickly. & I'll be fine too, on my own, making my own mistakes, being independent. Without Ross (despite what Petr thinks), without ANY guy.
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