Health worries? A repeat of last year.

It's funny. Something's constantly happening. I go from being the loneliest girl imagined and the next day bam everyone seems to have regained their interest in me yet again. Nonetheless, in a very happy place right now with the social life however my health has taken a down turn.

I'm ill all the time so I never worry however this seems different for some reason. I mean even with the good weather, I've been feeling weak and off, also even when I'm not tired or stressed so when I finally got a flu bug and the sickness began, the fainting also joined in and thus I thought I doctors appointment would be in order. So I went and she told me that she has no idea what it is but that she'd need to take me off all medication for 3 months (INCLUDING MY PILL) and that I'd have to have blood tests asap. It may even be diabetes, however, I have to suffer until then and hope to get to college as much as I can. It just scares me the numerous possibilities it could be and that I won't know for several weeks.

Also, the biggest worry is my inability to eat. The fact that I can't consume more than a few mouth fulls of anything. Okay, Saturday I ate loads but that was because I was drunk and I felt sick for 4 days because of it. Since then I ate 3 chips, a handful of pasta sauce and pasta, half a salad head, a tomato, 5 cucumber slices and a handful of cereal. With this I have drank 2 cups of normal tea (I never drink tea), countless herbals and so much water. I can't even drink coffee. There's just something wrong. Oh and I was sick for the whole evening yesterday; even though I've had a stomach bug, I barely ate the week before and it scares me. The fact that this time last year and a little later I couldn't eat at all. It took me 2 hours to eat half a rivita cracker. I don't want to go back there, my stomach was constantly cramped and I was in so much pain and miserable. That was an illness, I don't want that again. I've probably lost too much weight too quickly too, I hate doing this to my metabolism, everytime I try be healthy, it just backfires.

We'll see if it's anything to do with my body or whether it's just my mind. If it's going back to last year again, I need to do something, pronto.

'Desire'

Desire...

It's such a pleasurable word, ranging from anything nice and simple to fantasy but when do we ever use its' correct meaning? I mean there's so many things a person can desire: money, power, sex, a range of so many options.Most of which are one of the 7 deadly sins. Why is it that people desire these oh so much? When they are in fact the opposite of morality. Why does a person hurt others just for power? Why do they desire eternal lust; dangerous and unpredictable, new... instead of safety and stability. It's wrong. They pretend to be someone else for a minute of desire, never letting their true selves show through in fear of being vulnerable, being hurt. What's so wrong with all that? It's a part of life and experiences everybody should have those. It's just interesting how our want will always over power the right. Maybe we have no true free will, maybe we are just driven by desire?

An unknown Spanish Gem & Ludovico Einaudi- Primavera.

I don't understand how something so huge can remain so completely hidden away from everyone but you and me. I've been emotional for a while now but I never thouht I cared THAT much; this is a whole new level, almost crying because of a photo. What huge relief it was when I found out it wasn't what I thought it was meant to be. It's strange, I have this eternal feeling that this is right but I know it can never be which makes it all the more desirable don't you think? I know you care too, it's so obvious, partially due to what happened so long ago and the effort you still make but I don't want this. That is all I want to say, I'm happy the way things are and confusion would be the only result of this.

A poem by Francisco Rosa del Santiago...

A gem that nobody knows about.

'Estoy pensamiento que occurio hasta yo vuelve a casa hace este mucho tiempo, habia otras? Sabe que tu fueres con algunas pero dormias con ellos? Estoy bastante contenta que no y espero que no. Todo que quiero hacer es a hablar contigo, sobre el futuro, de trabajar de otras cosas; algun. Casi todos los dias, pienso sobre ti y que tu estas pensamiento. La musica, especialmente, me sentido que estoy cerca de tu, contigo a veces, como cuando habiamos escuchando todas las canciones a tu ordenador, cantando todas las palabras que sabiamos. Soprendieras porque supe todos los lyricos de canciones unpopular. Cuando debatimos sobre unas temas como empresa o politica, fue fascinante a escucharte y tus ideas. Y lo que me afectando siempre es como era correcto cuando lo occurio. Fue perfecto, o no totalmente por que era mal pero no habia sentido tan correcte. Tu boca y los besos. No puedo les oldivar. Nunca les puede saber sobre nuestro tiempo pero, siempre estaria en mi corazon. Dulcetisimo my uno solo.'

Solamente tu, para siempre.
- Eve Anna x

I've never cried so much.

I don't know how to describe this. I don't know how he cannot realize how much he';s hurting me, the one person who's supposed to love me the most, it feels like he's destroying and fiesting up every last bit of me. I mean I even have a bruised knuckle which I haven't had in years. I can't believe I actually punched my wardrobe for the first time in years. I don't even know what to say, I've made a little list in my mind of what I need to say to him tomorrow because I need him to apologise now and change. Or I'm through and out. I have never been this upseet, not even with my parents. Just purely distraught. I feel so fucking lonely and he's just making it worse.

Right...

• I miss and want to see him all the time and he just seems to put it off all the time so I'm just left waiting for him and then him never turning up.
• I need him to try stop making up excuses for what he's done and blaming me because it's just make the situation worse.
• If he doesn't want to spend/ waste time with me at the computer then he shouldn't be with me. I need him to show me that I matter, that he cares by spending time with me. I'm sick of cancelling my plans just to talk to him & he keeps making new ones instead.
• I asked him a few days ago to be there for me more please because I feel so hurt and lonely and yes he wrote more which is amazing but then the time we are aupposed to meet he makes new plans and then keeps prolonging my wait and not coming at all. He says it's not his fault, but he should have remembered how much I was excited to see him and that 30minutes of sleepy time weren't going to cut it.
• He promised he'd be there in the evening & then kept asking to cancel. He should stick to the plans and not realise that being with friends is so much better than being with me.
• He should either apologise for this whole thing or leave it completely and change to make time to spend time with me. I'm not asking to quit his work but maybe share the rest of it out between friends & me, not just the friends!! Feeling so worthless, like I'm the last thing ever to matter. Firstly the friends, then the pub ad then me if I'm lucky!!
• I don't want to keep telling you what to do, I'm not your mother to have to keep telling you what to do.
• I don't have anybody to talk to but you right now because I don't like people knowing how vulnerable I am and now you have absolutely no time for me so I can't talk to you; no matter how scared and hurt I am right now, I just can't talk to you because you don't ever have the time!!!
• The one time that you do make free for those 55 minutes, you can't expect me to be all loving 24/7 and happy because I've missed you so much and I just want to hear that you love me and reassure me that I'm still the one. That you don't have other priorities that won't make a difference to our relationship.

PS- This is so much worse than anything right now. I have never been so upset, not even with my parents, you see how much I hurt. Also, this is the first itme that I have doubted our relationship, that's how hurt I am. This is like the time you thought about breaking up. This is how uncertain I am. I don't expect you to understand but I am & I need you to be there! I am begging. Please.

Turning the lights out...

- DAMN.

There & then.

I'm literally just sat here stumped for words. We've never had a fight like this before. To the point where he cried and couldn't speak to me anymore. I just want to solve this or get past it somehow, but I needed to tell him because it hurt to hold it in. I feel as if he gave up on hapiness right there and then, he just seemed so hopeless, so lost, like this wasn't worth the pain as he does too much for me already and maybe it's true, he does. But I never thought, there'd be a problem we couldn't solve. Something to drag on for so long. I don't want him to wave the white flag over this relationship but what if he does?

Ludovico Einaudi & Jonathan Stacey. Out of this world.

I almost cry every time I listen to this song, it's just so beautiful. Beautiful isn't even a right word to describe it Ludovico Einaudi is an one in a million composer, the lenghts of his pieces making his work all the more magnificent. Also the photos in the youtube video below are by the photographer Jonathan Stacey, USA: this is his collection of Seascapes. Ever so fitting with this song in its purity, intrigue and beauty.

Porque lo haces a mi? No quiero sentirse como esto pero no tengo eleccion.

Co-operation in harmony with independence.

Just came across this quote in someone else blog a while ago and think that reading The Prophet is definitely on my to do list. Wise words....

Kahlil Gibran, as he wrote in The Prophet

'Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart.'

I know it's not the most soppy romantic poetry but it makes sense and sounds nice. It's the kinda view of 'be infatuated but still have your own common sense and be your own person.' Be able to survive on your own and be happy with your own life, don't need another person to create all your happiness. Add to it by all means but not create.


(idea taken from: http://www.genderlinks.org.za/article/an-independent-woman-in-a-modern-world-2009-07-05 )
Very interesting read for the ladies, I highly recommend it!!

- Eve Anna x

Inequality; rugby v make up.

I've felt guilty in the past few days, just because I haven't written in a while... but I have to say, that fact that my boyfriend was here for the first time in a month & for the last time for 4 months, it's a reasonable enough excuse. Anyway, he's been gone for 4 days now so my brain has started contemplating other things but complete infatuation for the first time in almost a month. Today I started thinking about why it's so important that the popular guys are the best on the sports teams whilst the girls don't have to do anything but look good.

It's realistically a ridiculous double standard. I'm not complaining as such but it just seems so ridiculous. On the other hand the girls do starve themselves which isn't right I suppose. They do try keep fit as well by going to the gym now and then. watching their diet but it's not like they have to prove themselves. Guys do. They have to be the captain of the rugby team, the heavy weight youth champion, a tennis coach... I mean I'm talking about real examples here... These guys are my friends. I was talking to one in form today, he's a goodl ooking guy, clearly popular but he's not a twat; not up his own arse. And then as we were chatting, I found otu he's the captain of the rubgy team. What? Okay it may be the 2nd squad but still... I mean if a guy like that has to achieve such a position just to gain that bit of popularity, whats the equivalent of what a girl has to do? This brings a whole new meaning to the glass ceiling, only the other way around. A girl in his position needs to giggle a little, starve herself for a week, slap on some make up and bam presto, she's the shit. I mean what's that about? However the downside of that is that she gets treated like a bimbo so good bye future career opportunities.

Look an average looking rugby player, dating who?
Oh Emma Watson back in the day...
See my point?

Just a thought...

It's all bollocks to me. I mind my own business, socialise and get on with it. kthxbaix

- Eve Anna x