Indecisive and greedy.

Even if a person is a hundred percent busy, there is always that minute or two where you stop and think. A moment where you have absolutely nothing else to do than to stop and think, to wonder: What am I doing with my life? Despite all this hard work, happiness, achievement, I feel like I'm going nowhere. Not actually doing anything.

Maybe it is just being restless. When I was to have a break and rest I can't and when I finally get a chance to, my mind goes into a whirl and I wish I was busy again to stop that feeling of uselessness. It has to be boredom, greed for things that are impossible to have but there is always that sense of underachieving when I'm not busy. This is when I start thinking about all the missed opportunities, bad choices, things I wish went differently... From ones that happened years ago to fairly recent ones. For one, I wish I hadn't let anything happen with Kyle. It still lingers in the back of my mind and not because I like him but because of the affect it's had on our friendship. It's probably because of how close we were beforehand but it was a bad idea because it could never be just a one night thing; there's just that closeness from before which doesn't permit us to do that. It's just because I'm so lonely right now but I need someone here and Kyle would be the obvious choice. I can't get my head around this. I can't see us together and liking him in a different way but that clear friendship line has thoroughly been smudged. He shouldn't have done what he did in the morning. The hugging and kissing, the whispers and compliments, I didn't want that. That was beyond the borderline of a one night drunken fling. Now look where it's gotten me to. I don't care, I just wonder what it could have been and what trouble it's getting our friendship into? And I don't know why I'm pondering so much about it. It's insane and absurd so why does it bug me when I am devotedly in love with somebody else so much more perfect? You can't even begin to compare the two so why is this lingering in the back of my brain and coming back to bite me in the arse whenever he comments me or someone makes a dig about what happened at Reading?

Maybe it's because I didn't get what I wanted, him wanting me back. I just can't take rejection and wanted that extra attention because I felt/ feel lonely. Clearly this is still my immaturity coming through and I need to concentrate on other things than things that I can't have and don't even actually want? I need to remind myself that I have stepped out of my old shoes, the ones where I was scared of commitment, made guys fall for me and then just run away but if they didn't want me, get impossibly upset. It was all an endless circle where I just ended up upset 24/7. I am happy now, happy with the perfect guy. I need to stop faffing around.



The best remix of this song is by David Guetta but this one's new and fairly different to the original remixes. Ideal song for right now haha :)

Off to do some work to distract myself.
- Eve Anna x

28 days left baby.

Oh her eyes, her eyes

Make the stars look like they're not shining

Her hair, her hair

Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know

When I compliment her

She wont believe me

And its so, its so

Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay

I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails

I could kiss them all day if she'd let me

Her laugh, her laugh

She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know

Id never ask you to change

If perfect is what you're searching for

Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking

If you look okay

You know I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

The way you are

The way you are

Girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

Okay, so let's change the 'her' to 'him' & make the lyrics a little more relatable to a guy... Then you have another perfect song I have to describe you. I love you; more & more every single day. Oh I feel so soppy!! <3

G'night x
- Eve Anna

Caroussel, round & round.

no comment. :)

Explosion in my mind, oh no.

So I spent a good 30 minutes of my evening going 'Oh no, oooooh. Oh no. This is bad. Oh shit. Shit shit shit shit. I'm a terrible person. Ooooooh, should NOT have done that' and so on....

This afternoon. What can I say? Last year, when I felt so alone, needed somebody to look after me so much, there was nobody but now that I have somebody, everyone seems to be interested and I hate it. In college, nothing ever happens, relationships barely form because of the possible awkwardness; so every singleton flirts with the opposite sex but knows that it's never more than that. But not for me apparently, no, nothing can ever be simple can it?

I am so angry right now. He likes me, he genuinely likes me. Fucking hell. He can't be like a normal guy who flirts, oh no, that would be far too simple. Basically, a new friend from my law class turns out, wants more than just friendship. Sam, that's his name, seemed like just a nice guy, someone that I could never possibly have this problem with; yeah I thought he was cute but not exactly gorgeous, it would never occur to me that he'd get a crush on me... POW!! So we get on well, he made me miss the train and we had a drink down the pub, this was my first warning: he wouldn't let me pay for the drinks. Then he kept being complimentary, constant conversation and then walking closely next to me on the way to the station, saying let's do this again, every week if possible etc and this is when I though 'Uh Oh' the flirting's gone too far. He sat next to me on the train, kept touching my arm and then we got off the train and he hugged me, then hugged me again... a long time and expected to kiss me, of course I turned away, I couldn't do it. Just No. Then I got into the car with mum and started panicking...

 Why couldn't this happen last year? Why did I let it go so far? Why didn't I mention Petr earlier? What am I going to do on the train tomorrow morning? Should I tell him, should I carry on as if it's nothing? Should I stop it or not? The thing is I know that as soon as something would start happening that I'd regret it because he's not the guy I'm in love with but then I just feel so lonely right now, missing Petr, missing the closeness. In my head it's just Petr's voice telling me to go for it and I think he would too but then I couldn't not tell Sam about Petr but if I did then nothing would happen... It's just my stupid indecisiveness: what to do?

I also don't know whether to tell Petr because I think he's lonely anyway right now & this would make things so much worse and what if nothing happens and I just hurt him regardless, I caused enough damage with Reading festival. If he reads this then okay, fair enough but discussing the whole situation is completely different.

I saw Em when I got back tonight, she told me to stick to the truth with Sam; to tell him that there's this other guy in Spain, the one I'm going to see in October and even though we're not in a relationship with him, there's something going on there so during the holidays when I saw him, I would be with him regardless and he would just have to accept that. Explain the distance situation etc but then I have to consider the fact that this is far too early for this kind of discussion and I would most definitely scare him off which defeat the entire point (maybe it could be a relief..?) but either way I have to resolve the confusion but have no way how that isn't too extreme. I don't know because I think it's just the loneliness, not the fact that I actually like Sam.

He can't compare to Petr in anyway, okay one, maybe his height. But still, I can't imagine being with some boy after being with the man I want to spend my life with, Reading was just so different, m and Kyle didn't have time to think things through, we knew that it was just a spur of the moment therefore we didn't have to worry, but here, it's a completely different story. Also, how awkward would it be in law after? It really can't work whilst I have Petr in my life, I can't see another guy, consider him to be a boyfriend, it's just not right. I don't know because I know I'm missing an opportunity here but I would feel far too guilty, my consciousness would just eat me.

POW!!

The biggest explosion in my head.

One more year...

There are times like this, times where I just sit, doing one thing or another, just reminisce about you, think just how lucky I am to have you. We are so perfect. There are & will be problems along the road but so far, it couldn't be any better between us. The only problems are due to my family & I need to learn to deal with those better but I really don't know how to yet. I somehow need to talk about why I feel the way I feel, the way they hurt me without knowing... I need to sort this out inside me in order to be able to come to terms with why they are the way they are & how I can understand them so I agree with what they want from and for me. They want the best for me, well as far as my mum is concerned but I need her to trust me a little more because I'm not going to be a child soon and as far as maturity goes, I'm much more mature than your average 18 year old anyway therefore I want her to see that I am capable of looking after my emotional well being as well as make the right choices for the future, even if they're not enjoyable at all times. It's just not possible to show her. There are little things I do all the time, to prove myself but that still doesn't change the fact that the trust isn't enough and I am sick and tired of constantly feeling like a little girl, especially when the guy I'm with is so much older... It just feels so degrading.

Today, it felt as if I'd moved a step closer towards a level of trust with my mum. I told her something extremely important and so much has been knocked off my chest but in a way I think it's burden added upon her which I feel bad for; none the less, I've told her the truth and now there are no secrets between us... to a certain extent. I just don't feel good enough for her and I'm sick of trying to prove that I am, I just want acceptance and I feel as if I'm never going to fully get it therefore I have to wait for one more year until I leave home when things will begin to be different. I hope. I hope they will still be there for me when I chose to live my life my own way, not the way they want me to. Also I hope Petr will support my decision when it comes to my family, whatever it is.

There are so many little stabs they have and one by one they are getting to me more and more. I just pray that this year, probably the most difficult one for me so far, that I won't snap and ruin everything because as potrayed by this summer, things are slowly edging there and I don't want that to happen. I don't want to disappoint them and all the hope they have put in me by one weak moment of snapping; because of how they will restrict me in the next year. It's just one more year, I have to plow through so I can have the life I want, with the education, with Petr.

It's just I've finally found, a place where I can breathe...

Breathe to release

And dispel what you dream

Just be glad we can kiss

And say goodbye

And say I miss you

It's just I finally found

A place where I can breathe

It's just I finally found

A place where I can sleep

Breathe to release

And dispel what you dream

Just be glad we can kiss

And say goodbye

And say I miss you

It's just I finally found

A place where I can breathe

It's just I finally found

A place where I can sleep

It's just I finally found

A place where I can breathe

I finally found

A place where I can sleep

Hand in hand we fade away

Why, I miss you

Why, I miss you

Why, I miss you

Why, I miss you

Self- Therapy.

I haven't had the most successful day & so I've vented it out by drawing, something I haven't done in years... Definitely therapeutic.

Sense of Rejection? False.

It's strange you know, I think about it and it really doesn't mean anything to me but it still stings a little. It's more about feeling left out than anything else but I just wish things were a little different. Considering that Reading fest with Kyle meant really nothing to me and the only reason why I wanted him to ask me out was for my ego... Cami is really annoying me. She's been best friends with him since they were 11 and they slept together a few weeks before Reading fest but just remained friends, I'm almost sure neither of them want anything further to happen but at the back of my mind, there's a little voice going.. 'He chose her over you, he chose her over you!!' I don't know why exactly if so, maybe because we didn't have sex or because he genuinely knows her better and sees her very frequently but it annoys me that he's barely talking to me now, just like before, whilst he sees her every time he goes out. I know I'm being stupid but the fact that I didn't achieve hat I wanted makes me feel a little worthless, overall, it's definitely better that nothing will happen in the near future if at all because of it ruining my friendship but I still, I don't like this. I know that if I saw him more, it would be different but it's just so frustrating because if I'm honest, I don't think she's better looking than me or funnier so this really isn't going down well with me.

I know I sound like a spoilt brat right now, it is none of my business, especially if I don't really care but I cannot help it. I suppose it's because it's the first time in months I've had a crush on another guy besides Petr and it hasn't worked out, it's just proving to me all over again that it's not all worth it; the inner humiliation, the fact that I have to try to yet again prove to myself that I am good enough for someone that I can't even imagine being with. Due to many factors including his height & maturity... it couldn't work.

Okay, this is pointless, rambling on about being jealous of a girl that I really think is quite nice and a guy that I don't even want to be with, he's just a friend with whom I crossed the line and now I have to put up with the consequences before I get to see him again and sort my head out. It's times like this that I wish my brain wasn't on such high mode because it is constantly shattering my ego and making me think of absurdities which I explain to myself a few minutes later just because I write them down and read them over.

...

What is this about?

How can I get 'rejection' out of my head?

Maybe it's just because I feel lonely in general, that's why my brain is working over time. I guess the only way to survive this over the next few months is to write it down to get it out of my system because let's face it, the tension has gone and I almost find my worry comical now. I miss my boy and I'm trying to find someone to replace the closeness for time being but I cannot find anyone that could compare to Petr therefore I probably won't be able to find anyone that will do more than dance with me and kiss me in a club but surprise surprise, I won't be going out because of my A-Levels therefore I'll just put up with being lonely for a year and count down until I can see Petr again. He's well worth it.

I love how this has gone from one point to another one entirely, well.. somehow it doesn't surprise me. Yet again.. working over time.. Let's hope the brain slows down overnight..

[A friend recorded this, we just stood there together & sang. So beautiful]

G'night

- Eve Anna x

Summer Posts

These are all the blogs I wrote over the summer on my Blackberry when I couldn't get onto the computer. All the insane worries, in love proses, everything... It's just a shame I don't know the dates of when I worte them.

'Okay so i tried to kid myself that i wasn't the jealous type.. Oh please! I don't know what set it off, probably just seeing him in public; so charming, confident. Girls would stare at him, you could see the odd few he knew, they adore him & don't get me wrong, I'm completely fine with that because I can't hold him down but it made me think just how much girls were going to throw themselves at him in Spain. All the drinking, going out, his amazing dancing... I'm really scared of what could happen. If he has a one night stand, I wouldn't be happy but I'd be fine as it would be meaningless but he's not that type of guy, so it would be likely that that one night stand would become more & that scares me. Truthfully I have no say as we can't be exclusive until the distance shortens but I just feel like I can't be with anyone besides him & I want him to feel the same. I know how much he loves me, but Spanish girls are beautiful & he'll be the good looking guy who is charming, speaks fluent English, can dance & is single (with those gorgeous eyes) so they'll be like vulchers. I know this is jealousy at its bitterest but I can't help myself. I've put myself out there so much this time, taking the risk of loving someone more than anything & wanting to be with them.. This has never happened before & we are so perfect together but what if I just end up hurt like before? Except a million times worse.. There's not just one person in this world for everyone, there's a handful, but what if he meets another one of those whilst he's in Spain? Let's face it, a lot can happen over a few months, I don't want to be knocked out of love when I'm so deep in this time? I'm scared.. I don't want to tell him because he's perfect & he's doing everything the best way possible, its just my insecurities. I'm just worried if I don't tell him, he'll either find out on his own or I won't get a chance to talk about this again.. I have no true right to be jealous but I am & will be when he goes away. This is all too perfect to just lose it all. I want exclusivelity, no doubt about it, but I can't expect him to wait around for me for almost 2 years, it's just not right of me. It's asking far too much. This is all paranoia again, its stupid but it hasn't been the best day & my brain is just driving me insane....'

'I feel as if I'm in far too deep. I love him so much that even a few hours without him have become desperation & I feel like I'm relapsing from taking a drug. A dosage of heroin suddenly being taken straight from me. I know its ridiculous but I feel as if my heart is about to pop out of my chest because there's so much love inside. I know its beyond amazing that this is happening to me but I feel drowned because it's so overwhelming, so soon. Spending all this time together, acting like we've been together for years, not months, it's all just..the ideal life I want to lead. I'm scared it'll be taken away all of a sudden & that this dream will just die as quick as it all came about. I don't know if I could take the heart break, I really don't think I could, especially him being so nice would make it a million times harder for closure.'

'This is the second night I'll be falling asleep crying. The time is really running out. I can't imagine not spending almost everyday with him after all this. Its going to be the most difficult 5 months of my life & even after than, I'll see him but I'll have to revise constantly therefore won't have as much time to spend together for those few weeks. I know it's stupid crying so soon but after spending this mini break with him the past few days, I can't imagine ever leaving. Not having him here for me all the time, I've grown so dependant on his company, he's the only person to keep me calm right now & I would quite happily give up everything for him right this instant. What the hell am I going to do without him? His comfort? His... Everything? It's going to be so damn hard, just getting by, let alone concentrating on my education at the most important time. I'm so frightened of not having him there. Of Spain changing him. Of losing him. There are so many things that could go wrong in until we can be together. I'm just hoping he's just as willing as me to hold on, to make things work, to grasp any chance we have of being together because I've never ever let myself love & trust this much before & I'm beyond terrified because I know if I lose him, the pain will be unbearable. I can't even imagine how much it'll hurt if it hurts this much thinking I won't see him for 5 months & the things he might do during that time & the extent of how much I will miss him. I know just how over emotional I am being, but I'm still so insecure with fearing the worst despite being a hundred times better than when I met him.'

'I just stood there in the middle. Everyone around me was having fun, laughing, high fiveing & I just stood there. I tried to be involved from the beginning even though I couldn't play, I just tried, but then they told me to stand in the middle & played around me. It was a useless feeling, the kind that they don't need me there, why am I there? I want to lie them to it because I just look like a lonely idiot whilst everyone else knows how to play & it having fun.. I know this is dramatic but its my worst fear. Alone in a big crowd & I knew it was going to be like that but I thought it could be okay. I cant explain this in conversation. I need to vent why tonight upset me so much, why my cousin acted the way he did, everything the other side didnt hear. Its been a long ongoing silence which he knows makes me uncomfortable yet he continues to act the way he did. Little things like ignoring me when i tried to ask or talk to him during the game, telling me i should stop doing what my family want as they're worthless. To quit education & leave all my family just like he did & all this quietly that only one guy heard & of course, he didn't care so he pretty much ignored it. Since he's started his job, he never sees us when we come to Czech, never cares to keep in contact unless he needs something; that's exactly why he wants coffee with us, he needs us to sort out the tax returns which we have been doing for him for over a year now. Unless he needs this, he doesn't have the curtoesy to spend more than 5 minutes with us, which is usually while he's working. I don't think he even realises just how much he puts people down by little things, I always take it as jokes but this time, it went too far & the fact he said what he said about the family, it was out of order & out of place. He's always been selfish & self centred & I didn't care because he was my cousin but now I look and think just how many people he has ler down by his carelessness. This is what produces many other worries... On a more selfish note, he acted like such a jerk during the game, he never acted as if I was part of the team, he wouldn't let me play, he made snide comments about my playing & got angry when we lost when in fact it was just to do with the fact that I didn't bother in the end as they wouldn't let me play, I just stood there. In the middle. On my own... I was so scared of this happening but I hoped that being on my cousins team, he would look after me at least a little, but no, he didn't help me whatsoever just made things worse. Another thing is Tina, she's so lovely & friendly but after 2 evenings of mum forcing her views into my head, constantly going on & on at me, I now want to think that she has a crush on Petr. Mum constantly says he's too good for me & that she's worried he'll find some beautiful girl right in front of me & I'll just be alone again. I trust Petr & know he wouldn't do this but when somebody is constantly giving you this information, you start believeing it after a while. The same goes for the Tina thing, yes I know its beyond stupid because she loves my cousin to pieces & they have their entire lives planned together but my mums been saying about how she was looking at Petr in the coffee shop, the conversation, friendliness: the fact that this isn't like her at all. See, I didn't notice this whatsoever but after mum getting me at 2 vulnerable moments, I've become stupidly paranoid about the 'what if's'. She's funny gorgeous, clever, closer to Petrs age & she lives here, yes some of the points mum kept beating me with. The fact that if she wanted to she could most likely have him & that he wouldn't give a toss about me. I know he can do whatever but this would be absurd & would hurt our family incredibly. Okay so I don't actually believe this would realistically ever happen but mum has still scared me with this crazy theory, even if it is just momentary. I'll laugh about it in the morning, insane jealousy & paranoia, ideal girlfriend material. Another thing is the social aspect, I'm just not used to being the odd one out, the one nobody trully wants to talk to or to be there & I hate when 2 new people come to a group & they all love the other one & people only talk to me to take pity. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous of Petr because I'm so happy he's found people like this, I just wish it wasn't with my cousin.'

'My gran has now said that because of my behaviour, I have lost Petr. I am sick of my familyt telling me I'm acting wrong when I know its right. This is what being in love is all about so I don't understand why its such a problem.

You know, I feel strangely relieved after today. I know Petrs helped me again but it feels like when he pushes me too far past my stubbornness, it really helps me understand the actual point of what he's trying to do. Fair enough, I may not always like it, but its true so I'm willing to try make a difference. I quite honestly can't believe he has managed to get to me because I'm so set in my habits & didn't ever think I would break my routines. I feel quite bad because I was mean to him about the whole thing, I didn't want to change it because I was too scared even if it is for the best. The fact that he can do this for me is so amazing, I'm in disbelief. I think this is what a real stable relationship is about, its not just the complete blind romance which is at the beginning, its starting to be real now, a real relationship. I'm stepping on unknown ground & I couldn't be happier. I feel so secure & I've learnt to trust him, something which I have been so reluctant to do even though I don't know a more trust worthy person, let alone the fact that I am able to call him mine. There's a certain fear of the unknown now, the fact that I'm clueless as to how a relationship is supposed to be at this point along the line, how passionate, how talkative, how fun, how serious... Its not a bad sigh that I'm thinking of this, just that I don't know now. I'm so happy but I can't compare this anymore...not even a tiny bit because not only have I not been in a relationship with someone for so long but also I have never cared, loved or wanted to be with somebody as much as this before. I love him & I want him to be the one. I just hope to god that this is it, that we will manage to be & stay together for the future.

I love him so much. I'm with him right now & I can't believe how lucky I am. He's the one. I'm frightened to say so but he really is, its frightening how perfect I think he is.

I feel sick. My stomach has over turned 360 degrees. Its going to be over 4 & half months til i see him next. Ive been crying in public & everything, its just not like me. But you know what hurts the most right now? In how much pain he was today, crying, so upset, so lost, I can't stand seeing him like that when I can't help. So helpless. Its going to be okay, I know it but right now I just feel like this is the end. Its stupid yes, but I can't help it right now. I need to bare this journey & tomorrow because then ill get into my normal routine, sort my life out, enjoy Reading & then start the suicide that is A2. Also, I'm worried that when I come to Czech, things won't be the same because my grandma won't let me because she thinks I've done so many things wrong that she's starting to hate me. Its just not possible to please her & I don't want my relationship to suffer anymore because of her absurdities & then when I let something slip, to feel like the worst possible person that she gets upset. Its wrong.'

This is my summer, the ups & downs but they all revolve around my one and only boy. It's not always easy but I'm glad I got all of my insecurities out of the way when I was with him, I know it was a burden on the little time we had together but it solved alot of necessary issues & I'm so glad it happened the way it did.

- G'night x

I do adore this picture :)

I promise to love you, always.

You don't have to be afraid. I know there is nothing whatsoever that I can do or say to assure you other than to foresee the future but I feel like I ought to do something that just give you reassuring smiles and words over Skype. At least this way, maybe, just maybe, it will help as it's been put into prose not just a conversation, this way, I might just be able to say how much I love you & how much I care; the fact that you are the most important person in my life and whatever happens, you will be. I know it's difficult to think of it as a promise right now, because I'm still growing up, changing all the time but this is one part of me that isn't going to change. I know that I'm unsure, uncertain of what is going to happen in the next 24 hours let alone a few years but I know one thing... 'I'm loyal' and I will stay loyal to any person that is or even was that important to me. That doesn't just mean you, it means friends also Marc & Gary especially, they will tell you that loyal is something that I am very much so. It isn't an obvious trait I suppose, not like ambitious or self-conscious, but it is definitely important when it comes to the belief that we will make it.

What is it that you always say to me? 'Belief & Trust' But most and foremost 'Freedom, Trust & Responsibility' and I need you to trust me that I value my freedom but I need you trust the fact that I'll be responsible with my freedom and if I see that it truly upsets you, to the point where it's hurting you, I would rather not do it. Yes I need experience but that isn't as important as your well being. My conscience would also drive me mad because you're number 1 for me and that's that, there is nothing you can do or say to change that. Yes I want to enjoy these years but I will do that how I believe is best, of course there will be someone in my life in the next 2 years; maybe for 3 days, maybe for 3 weeks but it's never going to be a true relationship because I can't allow myself to succumb to that, not when I am so in love with someone else. If you're scared of me changing then that is possible for both of us, we can both turn into completely different people in the next 2 years but then I think the things we have in common are a lot deeper than just aspects of us that can change. It's another thing that reassures me about being able to make it, we are too similar to be able to change so much, especially if we keep talking and seeing each other every few months.

I don't know... Maybe I have gotten somewhere in this blog, maybe I haven't but I hope some of this made sense to you, maybe even reassured you to the point that you feel a little better. One thing though, just like you said to me that time 'I'm with you' this is what I want to pop into your mind when you feel uncertain, upset or worried that I may stop loving you... 'It's always you' & it will always be with you, never forget that.