Untitled simplicity..

Just a quick one tonight. I'm slowly slipping into a numb coma state once more, I sit at home and all I can think of is you, I wear the necklace around my neck just to feel close to you, it comforts me because I want to believe you still care. All together you've given me two necklaces which have consisted of three hearts but maybe that describes our relationship...

There is never going to be just me and you, never two hearts, it'll always be three because you can't seem to choose and commit to just one person and even if you could, I could never trully trust you or the distance which stands between us. It would simply be far too diifuclt and that is why I'm glad things worked out as they have, I just wish it never got to more than that one night.

You know, I feel like a broken record as I say these things over and over. It feels like there's still so many unresolved issues even though I have gone over every single little detail in my head a million times and I know that I won't be able to disect any bit of information anymore than I have in the past few months.

I think the best thing for me right now is just to read a book again, not a college one all about law or biology etc but some fictional romance that I have in the back of my littel dusty library. Sink into that make believe world to make myself feel a little better and take my mind off any unresolved crap that's been going on.

I know it's all pretty pathetic but I can't help feel that way.

I love him,

- Eve Anna x

Cheap trickery can be undermimed by a great friend.

Right now, I am in a fantastic mood as I've had a lovely night of doing nothing with Emmy which is exactly what I needed after the nasty surprise I received by post this morning. Nevertheless I've realised that relying on my friends might not be such a bad idea and that I can in fact trust some of them. Emmy has been a real support to me lately and I believe I have also been that way to her so this blog might just be some of the pictures from tonight before we went out. There's no particular reason for the picture taking; we took them ... just because. The girl below has been through so much with me and I've been there even more so for her, when her father died, helping her and her family, I love them all, they are my second family, I'd like to think.

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The reason why I was upset was because Luke sent me a package, no note, nothing, just his address in case it didn't deliver and inside was this...

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I didn't know what to make of it but it outraged and confused me to the maximum. Later when I texted him saying 'I've received the package.' He sent back a reply of 'Eve, you won't talk to me other than on facebook statuses, you never reply, nothing. I just needed you to see how much you still mean to me. Despite everything. I love you, Luke.' I mean I discussed it with Em and she calmed me down so I suppose now I feel a lot more positive about the entire situation. The up side is that I don't have to see him when I go to Czech in two weeks and I can wear this beautiful necklace without being too upset, it won't be a complete waste will it? :)
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Anyway, as I don't want to spoil my mood by thinking about this whole thing too much, I'll finish this blog by posting a few pictures with Em from the start of tonight because I've realised just how much I missed friendships and trust in the past year, a different kind of closeness, maybe romance isn't neccessary, maybe friends are the only vital thing in life. Maybe the excessive closeness within your close friends is all you need until you meet one of the numerous special someone's.

Sweetie,

I love you.

- Eve Anna x

Can a terrible mistake trully be an unreal beauty?

Friday night and I'm not out getting wildly drunk and losing all cares in the world, no, I'm babysitting. Not that I'm complaining as I need even those few pounds but the fact that I've been working the entire week has exhausted me mentally and therefore being inside thinking about everything and getting upset is clearly not a good idea as it will evidently lead to absurdity and most likely a few tears.

I think it's just one of those evenings, I miss having sombody close by. Luke of course but I mean it's not even that anymore because I see how happy he seems to be with Lucie; even the drunken calls and texts have decreased, I just feel so alone right now. I think it's the fact that I covered the broken hearted-ness to get on with everything, i.e. (A- levels I cannot chance to fail or get anything beyon a B) but then at moments like this, of boredom maybe, or just pure despiration, I turn to food and tears and regret the past which I inevitably cannot change.

I wonder whether he ever really loved me or whether I was just a gulliable little girl to him? Because I trully cannot tell anymore, I have never been so numb for so long, even in the past, I have always managed to rebound for someone better to make myself happier but now, I'm too numb to even want that. I've put up a wall to shield myself from everyone, even friends. I cannot stand to be hurt this way for a very long time. It's pathetic really but if I want to be honest, the pain was indescribable, I mean it's getting better now but I think it was the fact that I fell in love with him so unexpectedly. It was so wrong but felt so right. Somewhere deep inside I still think about that what if's because I contemplate whether we could ever make it work between us in the far future. I'm scared I met my soulmate and now he's gone with someone else, telling me he still loves me and wants me above anyone else but knows it's also impossible.

Partially I think this is because I've started talking to Kayle alot again and he still evidently has feelings for me therefore it's made me consider the possibilities and after quickly ruling them out (not wanting to make the same mistake again), I started feeling so attrociously lonely, I miss Luke, so much. I am still so in love with him and all I want right now is to see him, which I may do in two weeks time. This will be terrible though. The pain I mean..

I don't know.

I hope Gary's okay though.

- Eve Anna x

Yesssssss!! ...RELIEF :)

I have to say that I am extremely relieved at how this afternoon turned out because all my worries over the past few days. I no longer have to worry about trying to like someone I clearly have no real attraction to. I saw Emmy this afternoon for the first time since Sunday and we sat down for a coffee and just chatted for a few hours. She saw Mark a few days ago and it turns out that luckily he only saw Saturday as a fling nothing more which is perfect. I know I freaked out over the possible consequences but now that I know it meant the same to us both therefore there is no need to worry whatsoever. I can get on with sorting myself out little by little.

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There is only one thing that surprised me a little, the fact that Mark said I was a little 'weird', yes I know it wasn't meant offensively but the strange thing is it must've been the alcohol, I mean I remember nothing. I was loud yes, weird? No. His dancing was a lot stranger than anything I did the entire night. Nevertheless there's now no issue about awkwardness between us at future parties as apparently he won't make things be that way and neither will I. After all, I have no reason to. If I make some witty comment prior to our meeting next time and clear any remaining tension then tadaa, perfect. Hello new friendships and even though it won't be a very pleasant anecdote, Mark and me will be a very good starting conversation piece for me with the other guys.

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Maybe it's a little dissappoitment that he didn't show any feedback though as I'm not used to being rejected, well I wouldn't use the term rejected but it's practically the same thing. If I was still in a spiteful state of mind I would get him to like me in some way, as I always get my way but now, I don't feel the need to do that. Karma spoke. This is clearly for the best.

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Yes, I miss the closeness.

Yes, I miss the sex.

Yes, I miss that particular someone.

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But the gap cannot be filled up by the right person until it has been partially cemented from the old wound and so far, this has not happened. I am far from okay with Luke therefore there is no point me rushing into anything because if would just end badly. I am happy I was made to realise this before things went any further and ruined everything for me.

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I'll stick with my friends for now. They'll help me get better slowly. Anyway, no time for any boy right now; January exams therefore I have more than enough work to hell and back.

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London tomorrow for several Psychology lectures.

9am start.

I shall live on Starbucks for the day :)

Shower & bed.

G'night,

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- Eve Anna x

1st day of the advent of 2009.

I want to write something but I don't know what. I'm completely undecided in anything. What to wear, who to spend my time with, what decisions to make about my essays, the distinguishing of the right and wrong. Maybe it's just boredom or proof that I have too much free time and should probably try to get down to doing some work.

I didn't finish this blog earlier and I have just gone to the gym and had a thorough work out which had released countless endorphines making me extremely happy. Taio Cruz's positivity may also be helping. You know, I think I might still be on a bit of a high from Saturday because I finally reached another level of moving on. Even though it might be the high of a new possible boy, whom I may not want anyway, I don't even worry whether he wants anything else. I would like it to proove that I still have it ;) but it isn't necessary because I was with him and I barely thought of Luke, maybe only a little and then I stopped but then the drink kicked in once more and I didn't care because I was enjoying myself for the first time in a very long time. Properly enjoying myself, that kind of 'enjoying myself'. Wow. I just now wish that he would make an effort in just talking to me because otherwise the akwardness may settle in and that could ruin a friendship group opportunity for me. First thing's first though, I need to speak to Em as I know she's still extremely upset and her phone is out of battery which worries me. I need to try calling and if that fails I'll go round there tomorrow, even if she's not in, I can talk to Jacqui (her mum) or her brothers, one of them will know. I just hope that the guys don't rip it into me too much for getting with Mark. I mean I'm not embarrassed in any way or form but it's just so frustrating when somebody does that, you know?

Anyway, I'll leave you with another classic Taio Cruz and go watch I'm a Celeb.

Yes, anything to restraint myself from doing work.

- Eve Anna x

52 minutes before the advent begins..

In 52 minutes the Christmas period officially begins. The season of romance and happiness as well as family. Once again I'll be alone, yes the past few years I've been alone by choice; i.e. the dumper, but being in Czech for Christmas for the first time in 3 years and no doubt having to see him, maybe even with her.. It will kill me. I think I'll spend the season in mourning once more, not thinking about what could have been or how things have worked out in reality.

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Today though, I've found myself contemplating about Saturday. I know it was just a one off but the fact that Em told Mark that I wanted nothing has made me wonder whether that's true. It probably is just the fact that he's not talking to me, which I suspect is because I haven't spoken to him and when I see the other guys we joke about it and I don't let on the insecurities I really have. I've spent quite a long day thinking about the possibilities and because of him not making an effort towards me, it makes me want him more. It's the aspect of triumph, the less likely something is to happen, the more wrong it is, the more I want it because I want the thrill of it all, the risk of losing, distracting me from everyday formalities.

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Anyway, I have been thinking about Mark alot todat, I texted Em and asked her about it but she doesn't have her phone but she mailed me and told me about her day, which turned out to be pretty upsetting for her therefore I was there for her and didn't bring my worries up.

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I'm just thinking it's too soon to start liking someone again, even if just a little, If something were to get serious, I think I would run away the option that he actually also wants something repulses me, I like this chase but then at the same time I want him because I need the security which only a boyfriend can provide. I wonder whether he's thinking about this in any way, obviously not into so many details, disecting everything (he's not as pathetic as me as I am. I hope. It would be a real turn off if I'm honest) but if he remembers just as much of the evening as me, maybe he also felt the tiny spark of possibility of something new.

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I just want him to speak to me. To show some effort after Saturday night. I know that it's probably for the best if he doesn't because it could ruin a friendship group which I have barely just managed to link with but we have so many things in common, so much fun together. Plus, he's a hockey player, which for an ex-compeeting ice skater is such a turn on!!

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It's just the fright of being out there for the possibility of something happening. To let him see that if he makes the effort with me that I won't retaliate and that I'm open to the idea of it. I don't like the idea of all this on one hand but then I really want to on the other. I'm terrified of commitment but who says we would have to commit straight away? If we saw how things went for a few months, taking things slow, maybe I would be ready for someone other than Lukas in my life. I can't see it happening anytime soon but if things go right, anything is possible.

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Right?

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- Eve Anna x

the three P's. Positivity. Party. Petch.

Things are definitely looking up I must say. Maybe my bad karma phase has finally passed but nevertheless I seem to be happier overall. I've been going out more, parties, drinks, girly days out. Fantastic really, especially as I still have time to do some college work. My contact lenses are okay, I got with a rather charming and cute guy last night & I think we both know where we stand therefore I won't get myself muddled up into anything. I hope. I mean I could like him I suppose but I'm in no place to do that right now; I'm far too vulnerable and if I'm honest, so is he. In an ideal situation we could get together but even though I want to, I know that if anything does happen I'll regret it. For now it's for the best that we remain friends, I mean hell, I've only met him twice, barely. I want to build up a friendship with im if I'm honest, we have alot in common. If it's a friendship with benefits, so be it, but there has to be a clear boundary unless there is a possibility of feelings being entwined. For now, I hope not.

Slowsly but surely, I feel better about Luke. I believe it's the distractions as I have no time to worry about him and the past and there is something still there as I get extremely upset if I see anything to do with him. Despite that, I have brand new friends and if I play my cards right and the boundaries between me and Mark stay solid, my friendship with the entire group won't be in jeopardy and my social life will be fantastic. I love that all so fimiliar adrenaline rush at the weekend which I've missed so much so I have to make sure not the ruin this.

I have alot of my plate at the moment though, sorting out the unifinished business from before but now it's just become a minor set back. I'll go out a few times before I go to Czech for Christmas and yes, I know I'll miss all the good parties and so much fun but I'm used to it. It's pretty much mandatory and I have to make peace with it all. After Christmas and exams, hopefully the parties will start.

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[A photo from last night. Drinking Archers from a mug whilst being drawn on by green highlighter and having odd conversations with two guys I barely knew for a few hours. Marcus & 'Panda']

Anyway, I'm off the sleep. An early start in college tomorrow morning :)

G'night.

- Eve Anna x

three words.

These have been on my tongue for the past few days but I've been too frightened to even think about them let alone utter them from my lips. The words aren't 'I love you'. No, you already know that despite me no longer telling you so. They are 'I miss you'. It shows weakness on my behalf, the fact that your persuasion has overcome me yet again. I miss you so much I feel sick, I can't even try to cry anymore. I wish things were different too, just like you say but I'll never admit it to anybody but myself because I cannot forgive you. Never. I can neither forgive or forget. But I'm frightened I won't be able to feel this close to anybody again. That I won't love this much or look at another the same way. I even hate being touched by another guy now, it repulses me because it's not you. I need you but I refuse to tell you so. A & E..

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Like I hoped you'd call and hope you'd see me in A & E..

A & E- Goldfrapp

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey

And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining

Think I want you still

But there may be pills at work

Do you really wanna know how I was
dancing on the floor?

I was trying to phone you as I'm crawling out the door

I'm amazed at you, the things you say and that you don't do

Why don't you ring?

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue

Feeling like I needed you

Like I'm walking up
surrounded by me

A&E

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey

And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's
shining

They gotta watch you still

But there may be pills at work

How did I get to accident and emergency?

All I wanted was you to take me out high

And I was feeling lonely, feeling blue

Feeling like I needed you

Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me

A&E

I put a cover of this song rather than the original because I believe the original has been heard far too many times. This girl really does this song justice unlike the many other failed attempts found on youtube and she puts a cute little twist to the song; making it feel a little less tragic and a little more easy, almost happier. I don't really know what I can add really. The lyrics, they speak for themselves in a way that I cannot justify myself. Also trying to put your feelings down on paper about lyrics has previously produced a negative outcome. I suppose it's one of those moments where I can relate being let down by him to a song that I have loved for years. Although I must scold myself; listening to it on repeat inconsistently for the past few hours is quite insane. This is one of those blog entries where I wish it was easy to spill all my feelings even though I can't think of how to possibly output my feelings. Instead I post a few song lyrics and the song itself and hope that everyone out there understands what I feel and why I feel that way. But to be truthful, in this case, I don't think I can explain really, it's all in the beauty of the song and it's lyrics, that's my explanation.

leaving you with an interesting thought..

- Eve Anna :) x

It's a shade of what you could not be..

It's been a week or two of denial where I have been trying to tell myself that I'm okay, when in fact anytime that I reminisce or see anything that reminds me of Czech or him, I feel nauseous. Despite all this maybe I have got around to writing about it to a certain extent. Not about what actually happened but the after effects, the hurt I never knew existed. Every time somebody hurts you, you sit there contemplating whether your heart was broken, from the age of 13ish but even though I thought I had my heart broken twice before (the pain was relatively similar in both cases), it was nothing compared to what I have undergone in the past 4 months.

Throughout October the pain worsened but I kept thinking that it was just anticipation about seeing him and solving the issues between us but now I can see it was much more than that. People say the real heartbreak only lasts up to a month but I would have to disagree with that. Slowly but surely my heart's been crushed into smaller and smaller pieces since the end of September. I never believed I would be one of those girls that would let a guy do this to her. He has made me physically ill, serious hospital appointment ill, I am still suffering from the side effects now which has made my self esteem plummet in college.

I don't even know what to say really except my knight in shining armour turned out to be a complete asshole, he still writes to me now, this morning was the worst I think. He texted me 'Eve, I love you. I'm laying in bed with Lucie sleeping next to me and all I can think of is you. It's not her who I want to be with, it's you. I miss you so much & I wish things were different. I'm sorry '.

It's pathetic really, all he's done to hurt me and now he thinks that feeble apologies, mails on facebook, drunken phone calls and texts will fix everything? NO.

Even though things have gone really badly for me lately and I was weak enough to let my guard down when I was with him, now I have no excuse and let's face it, it's the least of my worries. After all, the majority of my close friends have gone to university so I have nothing to do, I cannot wear my contacts lenses so my glasses make my self esteem crash straight down to zero but I have been crying too much so I'm trying to solve things and not be emotional about everything anymore. Not even Luke.

Oh a new update, now he is spamming my facebook, fabulous...... It's just so difficult trying to ignore him because it hurts so much, everything he did. Especially after flying out to Czech for a week, just for him and then being informed, BY FACEBOOK, that he was in a relationship one day prior to my flight. Oh and that wasn't the beginning of it at all, he was supposed to pick me up from the airport which he couldn't because his granddad got sick. (Even though I thought it was an excuse, it turned out to be a legitimate reason in the end) But yes, afterwards I got to only see him for an hour and a half during I manage to lose all dignity which I still had in our sick relationship. Gary knows just how much I tried to be strong, seconds before giving myself to Luke, I was on the phone to Gary for reassurance, panicking but still holding up, more angrily nervous with everything Luke had done rather than excited to see him. Nevetheless, 30 seconds into our meeting and I had melted into his embrace, just so comfortable in his arms. Familiarity. I was startled by him suddenly appearing whilst I was confiding in Gary, stuttling to finish the phone call not making it too obvious we were talking about him. Surprise. He looked gorgeous. A warm tailored winter coat, black and smart, none of the boy/ man nonsense like in the summer. Shock. He smiled widely and his eyes lit up, 'Hi you!!' He pulled me me, tried to kiss me but I pulled away... He then kissed my cheek and gave me another long embrace, snuggling me into his warm coat. Reluctance. I smelt the familiar smell, felt his rough skin, everything seemed like the summer, like what I once wanted heaven to be, all my frustration had melted away and my hatred was replaced once more by complete love and devotion. Defeat. This is when I realised I was screwed.. Love.

We walked through the town arms around each other, I wanted the risk now, he had literally hypnotised me and I could no longer make my own decisions. He acted as if he hadn't just come back from seeing his girlfriend, as if it was summer once more, as if it was just us two once again, nobody else, no judgements. It was wrong. Now I see just how gulliable and naive I must have seemed to him. Laughable, really. In the moment I didn't see though, I was head over heels for the bad boy and I couldn't smile more broadly. We sat down in a bar for a drink, I wanted, no, needed a beer as I knew where the constant flirtation and deep conversation was going, I knew sleeping with him would be terrible, I wanted to but I knew I shouldn't. His charm would help me make my mind up for me so I hoped this was one of his less charming days; I knew I was wrong though, he was as charming as he was when we first met.

We sat there, just a few 'drinks and cigarettes' worth and alot of meaningful discussion entwined with flirtation later I had no cover left of me. I asked him on why he acted as he did and he explained himself, even the excuses were genuine which made it seem okay, even though it clearly was not. He had picked me apart piece by piece knowing how to make me smile, I grinned the entire time, I just pecked out of his hand like a good little hen. Stupid girl I am, the one thing this had taught me is that fact that I am too young for a boy that age, he knows how to work on me and my feelings, play with me as if I were his puppet, absurdity really.

I'm sick of contemplating about this, it makes no more sense in my head than before I wrote any of this down. The bottom line is that he used me as we ended up sleeping together within that hour and a half, he now tries to tell me he loves me yet he acts extremely loved up with his girlfriend. It hurts me alot, I must admit. I can't shake off that guilt feeling, not towars her but towards my dignity and his respect towards me. Nevertheless, it's over and I don't have to face him or any of his friends for over a month now. I'm off to read a very contradictioary book called 'Luxury' by Jessica Ruston, I do recommend it for the cynical reader whithin you, a very interesting read with many twists, it is a great emotionless getaway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VPyso87fZU

Goodnight,

- Eve Anna xo

My upmost sincere apologies.

[This photo represents my summer ideally: smiles, him and drinks; everything always a little too perfect and a little too blurred to be true.]

Betrayed.

Blunt.

Broken.

Crushed.

Empty.

Numb.

Used.

Sick.

Yes, despite the extreme 'emo' sounding blog entry, it pretty much sums up an explanation of why I haven't been posting new posts recently.

I feel nothing, I hide myself within the masses of college work and I will write once again when I can bring myself to think of everything that has occured to me in the past 30 days as right now, I cannot even face myself, let alone my feelings and emotions nor having to write them down.

I apologise but I have trully been pushed past my limit.

- Eve Anna . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXKEf4VwpIQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FC6TqsaJ2g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4hpS4QNHX4

7 days.. has it now officially become a countdown?

What I never mentioned before, is the fact that I am off travelling to Czech yet again therefore I will have to face up to my fears and confront my silly Czech Boy so that I can finally try to achieve closure. Even though I have absolutely no idea what the upcoming week shall bring, I know that by this time next week I would have either seen my Czech boy and everything will be lovely; he would've picked me up from the airport, drive me home, he would take me out to dinner somewhere, get me a little drunk and then before he would finally drop me off at my nan's, we'd have sex in the back of his car, perfect! The other option is that I would'nt have heard from him whatsoever which indicates to him getting back with his satanic-like ex girlfriend therefore I won't see him, none of our plans will become reality and that I would have wasted my whole reading week because, despite loving my nan's company, I would much rather be in the UK, full of parties and friends.

If I don't sort this out with Luke I will be livid, purely because I have organised this entire trip in order to see him therefore if I don't, it will be such a waste of money and my dignity for that matter. Another issue is that all his friends and me will now have a rather akward relationship so my amazing outings in Czech will be even more limited, considering that my other casual fling guy in Czech has just gotten his girlfriend pregnant and there is only so much time I can spend with my 23 year old cousin and his friends. When I go out with my cousin there is also another big problem, he is like a brother to me so I have to be careful what I do with his friends especially, he is far too protective of me in my opinion so I can never have too much fun. But I have thanked him for various rescues of myself countless times before, I love him :)

Right now, I am sat here thanking my step-father's stupidity for making him forget to block blogger. Most other websites are blocked, he even went as far as blocking my documents & my computer so my college work is unexcessible. Why you ask? There is absolutely no reason if I am completely honest.

Another unfinished blog, my mind is still all over the place, sorry..

- Eve Anna x

Jamie Archer. Xfactor 2009

After watching tonight's live X factor show once more I have to admit I have been completely enchanted by Jamie 'Afro' Archer. Right from his very first audition I loved his entire persona; from the frizzy afro to the graspy voice and 70's hippie style, he was born to be an entertainer. Considering that this is definitely his last chance at the big break, the coninscidences of this years X factor auditions could not have come at a better time for this gorgeous man's 'big break'.

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At the age of 33 he has gained sufficient experience in the industry right in the middle of the big city of London and is at the peak of both, his physical and vocal abilities. Therefore if all his effort is rightly accounted for and he wins this year's X factor he could easily become one of the most influencial alternate music genre figures of today. Luckily, Jamie hit the jackpot with mentor Simon Cowell, well known for many different specific characteristics but none the less a fabulous brain box within the music industry, both old/ new, popular/ alternative, a perfect tutor and role model for the oldest entrant in this year's competition, Archer.

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Singing is not Jamie's only ability as he is also a master at guitar and would possibly even have the ability to put together a one man band, surely this not being necessary after showing his unreal talent to the nation. Even though he has stated that performing without an instrument pains him and that he has never previously performed without one, even if it were only his trusted tambourine. It is therefore clear that in the upcoming shows he will perform in his comfort zone with his guitar and maybe other insturments also, that is if he is to stay in, but I have no doubt that this will happen as he is one of the public's favorite.

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This middle aged musician is clearly the most detirmined out of this year's finalists due to this being his last chance causing him to show his upmost best every week. Because of his background and such ambitions even after years of only singing in bars and small gigs around central London, I admire this man enormously, even more so after tonight's performance. I don't ever vote for anybody on reality shows but I may have to make an exception for this gorgeous man, trully a gem in the rough. I confess that for once I look forward to next Saturday night when I settle down on the sofa with a few friends, my cats and a bottle of Chardonnay just to enjoy this extraordinary performance.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0wnhHB-A1A

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[Jamie Archer's performance of Christina Aguilera's 'Hurt'- 17/10/2009]

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I wish you all good night-

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Eve Anna x

Summer Romance, part 2

I wish I still had my emergency alcohol on me really, my mood will probably not improve very much by writing the continuation of my summer romance. I guess my soberity will have to be compensated with my non-stop Deadmau5 playlist. Cannot believe I missed their gig in London on Wednesday, this made me regret forgetting to buy tickets. Anyway carrying on the story begun two blogs ago, the difference is that now I will be writing it from my knowledge of ll the occurances, not the half knowledge of two months ago, everything has certainly changed towards to worse, otherwise known as reality.

As I neared the beaten old but somehow cosy looking car I noticed the two boys sitting there, by boys I mean 22 and 23 so they really didn't have much boy left in them, besides the obvious over excitement for football. As I got in, I was immediately the conversation of the car: they had never met a girl that could speak both English & Czech fluently, a little bit of French & Spanish, drunk vodka straight from the bottle, specifically asked for a cigarette and didn't let them get away with any insults, and if I do say so myself, they loved it :D By the end of the car journey I actually felt pretty comfortable with these strangers despite the minor language set backs, 5 year age gaps and the fact that the two of them were pretty much gorgeous. We arrived at our destination and much to my surprise there were about 5 more attractive males all greeting me with gentleman-like manners (I was very tempted to just stay in Czech as English males can't often be compared), after they all started changing telling me the weather would get rather chilly. I had nothing to change into therefore was stuck in a summer dress and gladiator sandals, sipping my red wine and coke whilst I watched all of them change and walk around topless in front of me, to point out the obvious, I was in seventh heaven already knowing that this was nothing compared to what was awaiting that night. I know I sound cocky but I was getting so much attention for being the exotic stranger, plus the other girls resembled fat ginger old men (lovely personalities though) so I knew I would pull if not more by the end of the evening.. I had a great choice here.. males with too much testosterone wanting no commitment, me with 1 night to make most of this, alot of cigarettes and alcohol, a very short dress, explicit dancing, simply the perfect combination for my say goodnight and go theory to go according to plan. I know that if I were in England that the situation would've been different undoubtedly as the boys are alot less sensitive, this can have both positive and negative aspects of course.

Even though I knew that I was the shiny new toy for the night, I did not let it phase me. I enjoyed the attention but despite developing a slight preference for the cheeky boy who drove me to the chalet, I remained mutual, I thought I would only act upon any advances they made if 1) I was comfortable 2) I was sure it would be okay. 3) It wouldn't upset any of them nor myself. After we knocked a few drinks back at some festival, (I don't even remember what as it wasn't interesting) messed around with a Hannah Montana yoyo and got to eachother better we decided to go to the club. By this point the it was starting to be quite clear that Luke, cheeky car boy, had taken a liking to me just as much as I had to him and I was over the moon, this probably being enhanced by the drinks that kept finding their way towards me, we flirted, chatted alot and it turned out we actually had alot in common, even after such a short conversation time. It seemed so comfortable, I'd never felt like this before but I didn't quite realise because of the levels of alcohol; as far as I could see I was having the best time of my life and there would be no emotion entangled into this unforgetable night.

As we made our way to the club, Luke and I found ourselves firstly holding hands, stealing away kisses in the dark and other little flirtatious gestures which then developed into more as we all hit the dancefloor. The alcohol flowed and slowly I found myself in the middle of 7 men hitting on me, all best friends. I went to dance with one because another had tried to kiss me (by this point I knew I was with Luke for the evening therefore I couldn't have him see me get with anybody else) but then as I danced with the other it was like deja vu, I managed to make my way around them all until I thought I found a safe bet with Janice's grandson, Matt, as he surely wouldn't hit on me. I was wrong, he did so I retreated to the toilets where, luckily, I found one of the girls and managed to have a heart to heart with her about Luke. She warned me about his ex girlfriend there and then, her summary was that with him it is a no commitment fling as he's still in the getting over her phase therefore I shouldn't expect anything. I nearly hugged her as she had said exactly what I wanted to hear, hello say goodnight and go :D

[a group photo with some random girls and without Luke I think... See if you can spot me, I look like a balding head with my mouth wide open leaning on the boy in the red shirt, Tom.]

Me and Luke fooled around for the rest of the night, danced, enjoyed eachothers company until early morning when we left the club as it closed, I had never had such a great time with so little money! It was all a blurry mess filled with flashing lights, photographs being taken, loud music and dancing with the boy of my choice. I felt trully wanted but I had made and clear choice and everyone had respected it now all that was left was the decision of what to do when we got back to the Chalet.

Should I sleep with him or not? Would I even get the chance? What would the consequences be?

CONTINUING THE LONG TALE SOON, IT IS NOW 00:56 AND I HAVE AN EARLY START TOMRROW MORNING, G'NIGHT :)

- Eve Anna x

Playlists, songs to get you through Autumn 2009

I have just spent a few moments on my close friend's blog and seeing additions to his blog entries has made me come up with an idea. People post pictures & videos and music with their blog all the time but not many go as far as making a video playlist on a blog website, yes I know it deafeats the point of writing but music is just as essiential in our lives so I would like to put forward a few recent tracks which have been and will get me through until Christmas, I do apologise I can only get them up in hyperlinks though (I shall make additional comments and remarks to memories are linked back to them or reasons for why I believe they are so fantastic; a miny track review some might call it).

1) JOSHUA RADIN- SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE-

My choice for this track is simple. One of my favorite songs in the whole wide world, I believe it's a masterpiece despite its' simplicity, always the first track I turn to whatever my mood.

2) NNEKA- HEARTBEAT

This so outlines reality, it gives me no emotion which is a great thing as not many songs have the ability to do that. It is a completely contreversial number, I have much admiration for Nneka for her unusual style and the blunt and brutal truth of today.

3) CHRIS DAUGHTRY- WHAT ABOUT NOW

This song was a part of the X-Factor show on ITV 1 sometime during late September which influenced me and many of my friends, it is nothing special but it certainly made itself well known to my generation. Like 'Heartbeat', it is too politically influenced, which I find quite ironic as I have only recently discovered this.

4) FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE- DRUMMING SONG

This song is definitely one of Florence's best. I am personally a huge fan of this fantastic artist, the rhytmic structure differentiates it very much from the majority of her other songs and is ideal to be in the Official Charts as it is nowhere near as outgoing as the remainder of her album.

5) DISNEY- HAKUNA MATATA

I have no comment to this, it just has to be here :) All time favorite childhood song.

6) THE XX- CRYSTALISED

Such a laid back tune really, especially handy if you have to write a difficult piece of work or concentrate hard on another blog entry.

7) RITON AND PRIMARY 1- WHO'S THERE? (DOORLY REMIX)

The ultimate party tune for this season in the alternative, dance, trance etc scene. Can be appreciated even more with a large amount of alcohol and excessive dancing.

8) OUTBOX [org. Kelly Rowland and David Guetta]- WHEN LOVE TAKES OVER

Today, I discovered this amazing version of the summer hit 'When Love Takes Over'. I have a very sentimental connection to this linking back to the summer in Czech Republic and I choke up anytime this song gets into full swing therefore this version made me bawl like a baby, it's beautiful.

9) MAKER ZTRACENY- ZTRACIS [without accents]

This is also linked back to my Czech family so I think it is appropriate to take its rightful place after the previous song. It was first released back in 2006 but I have always loved it, especially because it is in Slovak and the singer/ songwriter is extremely passionate about anything he does. I ws extremely lucky to have also met him therefore I know how much of a genuine person he is, not forgetting to mention that he's gorgeous!! This live version of the song was recorded at the show before I got to meet him for a coffee.

10) INGRID MICHALESON- BREAKABLE

I have always had a connection to this song, mainly because of the lyrics. I admire Ingrid very much and think myself extremely lucky that I got to see one of her concerts a few years ago. She has been one of my role models lately because of her unbeliavable strenght after break up with fellow singer/ songwriter Joshua Radin (mentioned above).

11) MARIA TAYLOR- ONE FOR THE SHAREHOLDER

This song has been my 'feminist' song, by that I mean is when I feel vulnerable and mistreated, I put this song on repeat several times and automatically feel strong again. The strenght which Maria Taylor performed this in February 2009 at the Shephard's Bush Hall really blew me and my friend Charlotte away, we were stunned by the performance of a mere support act. It even made us doubt Joshua Radin's incredible set, by the end of which, Charlotte had made her mind up that Maria Taylor had performed better whilst I still loyally stuck by Josh.

12) BEYONCE- HALO

Yes, I know that this song is rather over played but my memories link back to my summer romance again where I sang this to Lukas, my Czech boy whilst on the way to one of our dates out, in his car. All the emotion captured in this just enhances the magic of this 4 minute track, when listening to it with the boy I love, I felt invincible, life was perfect and I thought despite all the problems facing us, together we could get through them, make the other strong.

13) FILTHY DUKES- TUPAC ROBOT CLUB ROCK

Another one of those arrogant party tracks which are inpossible to sit still to. It is not exactly the highest quiality of music but I love it nevertheless. The mix of different artists fighting over different verses and explicit lyrics mix up to make the perfect music party cocktail for a wild night out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_p47UAVj7w

14) MARY J. BLIGE & CHRIS BROWN- STRONGER

This is a relatively old song and even through my harted of Chris Brown, I adore this song alot at the moment, I explain this by Brown not starring in much of this song otherwise I can believe my opinion to be quite different. However, this song has alot of soul and always makes me want to shed a tear or two. I don't quite know the true meaning and I believe it's very personal the Mary but she has definitely achieved her objective, to motivate and give courage to the listener.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWigIb8w704&feature=fvw

15) PAULO NUTINI- NEW SHOES

This is the ulitmate cheer up song. Whether alone or with friends listening to this song will force everybody to sing along i.e. cheer up immediately. If I have my music on shuffle and this track comes on, it never ends without me having a smile on my face even if I've just been crying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GAgm8sZ5mo

16) IMOGEN HEAP- GOODNIGHT AND GO

This song is really quite unusual and can be interpreted in numerous different ways which is why after four years, from romance, to madness even to sex so I can still listen to it on repeat for hours. Every relationship can be linked back to it in it's own way which is why after a break up, this song is tabboo for quite some time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9athUdhH40

17) IMOGEN HEAP- LOOSE ENDS

A true spiteful song, just like Maria Taylor's 'One for the Shareholder' this song is also very uplifting, it makes me believe that the say gooddnight and go theory can work and that complicated relationships are a part of life, they can boost your self-esteem tremendously. It's quite a mysterious and mischevious tune for those getting ready nights when you want to feel enpowered.

18) IMOGEN HEAP- HALLELUJAH

Imogen Heap is a very influencial artist for me which explains why I have added so many of her tracks. Hallelujah is her masterpiece, as in my opinion her cover of this legendary song is the best. Ranging from Billie Joel to Alexandra Burke, nobody has ever been able to capture the song such as Leonard Cohen when he first performed it in the early 60's. The emotion in this track is genuine and never fails to give me goosebumps. Her feeling for this song, her pronounciation, the majority of the song in accapella, everything is perfect.

19) DOES IT OFFEND YOU, YEAH?- LET'S MAKE OUT

I think this is a complete tune, out there, explicit and entirely insane. There is no head or toe in this track but it is a joke really, most of the album is like this but there is no party without a track from 'Does It Offend You, Yeah?', afterall the name of the band speaks for itself, outrageous and brilliant.

20) REGINA SPEKTOR- SAMSON

On the contrary to the track above, this is a pure ballad. The pianno is slow and innocent, as are the lyrics. It is an extremely romantic song which again reminds me of my summer, in my opinion it is about true love and all its' memories, the sadness but no regret even with the pain which follows. Regina Spektor's beautiful voice is simply perfect but you cannot be fooled by her angel sound as the lyrics explain.

21) GARY GO- WONDERFUL

A very uplifting song, this is a gym track through and through. Whenever I need to jog this is the first song on my playlist, it can be perceived as both sad and encouraging and doesn't have a certain meaning which is perfect. Nevertheless, the build up throughout and the positive lyrics always give me a boost of energy and drive, whatever the situation may be. They make everyone see their true value.

22) RON POPE- YOU'RE THE REASON I COME HOME

The quietness of this song is trully beautiful. It is not only calm, no, it is almost a lullaby. If you're lucky to have that certain someone, this song will make you melt because it is for those who are in love. The lyrics are not subtle in the slightest, Ron Pope sings how he feels simply without any riddles, treasuring his love and realising his luck of finding such a person. Whether thi song is based on the truth or not, this singer's lyrics seem genuine enough.

23) FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS- BUSINESS TIME

Comedians 'Flight of the Conchords' are one of a kind, they turn music into a complete comedy act and this song is a great example. This song is so unsexy and akward that it becomes funny and sexy, it is unbeliavable, turning such an everyday routine into foreplay items. Countless times of listening to this song, I still cannot control the laughter whenever it comes up on my Ipod, unfortunately also in public.

24) TEMPER TRAP- SWEET DISPOSITION

This melodic beauty is a very recent track but since the first time I listened to it, I absolutely adored it. It is not only it's unusuallity but also the atmosphere the whole band create by this song. It is quite incredible, almost reminding me of the atmosphere Matt Bellamy creates, of course you cannot compare the legendary Muse with such a new band but you never know, maybe Muse have finally found their competition out there.

25) ANDY MCKEE- INTO THE OCEAN

What can I say about this? Andy McKee is simply indescribable, he plays hours and hours of lyricless music but in his case the human voice is not necessary, al lthat is needed is his over-complicated guitar/ harp. This tune can be both uplifting and depressing, like alcohol, it enhances your mood but unlike the toxic substance, always makes you think about your actions and thoughts alot clearer. If there is something significant on your mind then it is bound to make you feel uneasy with that taunting feeling in the pit of your stomach but that is all part of this man's art, trully fantastic.

This has been a very random evening filled with analysis on music but I hope I have introducted a few new artists to my readers (there are two so far, haha) as well as making myself feel better personally. Writing about something like this can often leave you feeling like alot more weight has been lifted off your shoulders, where as analysing and discussing your problems in such details can often bring even more gloom on the whole siutation.

Another 2 months, another thorough heartbreak. A blog entry is in order.

I do believe it's quite ironic really. This blog was not meant to be all about the male species but I suppose that is the only thing going on in my life right now besides normal teenage occurances, I should be quite satisfied but after the events of the summer apres the last blog entry and past ghosts coming back to haunt me, I wouldn't really consider myself to be happy let alone completely okay.

A few days after writing my last post of say goodnight and go, I had possibly reached my upmost limits of putting up with the constant family issues, inappropriate remarks by the builders and the added pressures of studying (all this 24/7 of course) so I decided to take up my nan's best friend's (Janice's) offer of staying with her for a long weekend. Not realising that this one Saturday was going to change my life (yes, trully) and that my say previous theories and experiences would all be pushed aside following my tragic summer movie romance. I believed, and maybe still do, that this man could be my true love (a concept at which I had previously always scoffed at) but unfortunately it was just all at the wrong time, place and therefore the complications all arouse much more swiftly than expected. This is a piece of writing which I wrote around the third week of August of my thoughts and contemplations from that unexpected experience..

"Should you trust a guy who..?

• only broke up with his ex-girlfriend of three years (who also lived with him) around three months ago.
• has been photographed looking rather cosy with her at a party which you couldn't go to after you had slept with him.
• still has a picture of her in his wallet.
• talks to her on Facebook almost as much as he talks to you, publically.

But who..?

• tells you that you're the first girl to make him forget his exgirlfriend when he's with you and that he's never felt so happy so fast.




• tells you he loves you (after 2 weeks of knowing him).
• respects you alot.
• is always a true gentleman.
• still seems to be interested in you even despite seeing you be sick, cry, have no make up and sans shower after a night out.
• is alot more keen in your'naive'self than you are in him.
• has stuck by you in the past 2 weeks as alot has happened.
• has made you so unbeliavably happy even though all the trouble lately (making you feel rather guilty).

Well I still don't believe him but in all fairness this is another holiday romance for just under three weeks therefore I cannot fend for what he does when I'm not around during autumn. The business between him and his exgirlfriend is definitely not finished as they both still have many of their things at their old flat and they still get on remarkably well despite such a 'heartwrenching and messy breakup' (his exact words, I must add).

All I know is that if the boy really is serious; something I only half-hearthedly believe, then I am unrealistically in love with him. Even though it is such a huge statement to make after knowing somebody for only two weeks, I am calmed by the aspect that he seems to be even more in love with me, if he is being trully honest with all his gestures and words.

Nevertheless, to explain this budding new romance from the start..

After 3 weeks with exams, family, rebulding the entire house and financial worries, I had pretty much hit rock bottom so I took up the offer of my nan's best friend and went to stay with her for 2-3 days (theoretically). I considered it a long relaxing weekend away so I could indulge in a little studying but mostly some time in the sun involving myself in a bit of intellectual conversation with a few seniors ;). Clearly, this was only a theory!! As I was being driven to Janice's house, she informed me of her plans for me so I could really thoroughly enjoy my stay. I was to go out that night (Saturday) to some local club with her grandson, not having partied for almost a month, I threw myself at the opportunity. Desperate craving for an adventure! The evening came and I was ready to roll (as much as I could have with the clothing choice I had brought). I was picked up by Matt (the grandson), the type of guy who I knew I would have a great night with despite his hopeless taste in clothing and a mind still stuck in the 90's. Immediately I scolded him on the sleazy unbuttoned shirt look which caused him to sort himself out. We made introductions and bantered on the way to the car and his two friends within it.. "

[Andre, Stan and I, a random photo from a few days later, a celebration of Andre's birthday, all completely wasted but having a great time, as portrayed above....]

CONTINUATION OF STORY IN NEXT BLOG ENTRY AS THIS ONE IS BECOMING FAR TOO LONG.

(also maybe I'm hoping to create a smidgen of anticipation :) )

'Say goodnight and go' does it really work that way?

'Say goodnight and go'

After listening to one of my all time favorite artists Imogen Heap on repeat for several hours, once again I started thinking about just how meaningful her songwriting can be. Of course, she is very much of an extrovert but also an enormously intelligent and meaningful lyricist.

I have now begun to contemplate that the entire concept of 'say goodnight and go' isn't all that much of a bad idea. Out of my past two relationships, neither of them had me be happy and even though the two men were complete opposites, I was never entirely satisfied with either. After wasting a rather long time moping around because of my mistakes I decided to go on the rebound (stupid idea but it seemed the best at the time). The idea of rebounding seemed simple enough: nothing serious, a good time with or without a possibility of continuing beyond just a one night stand. Or so I thought.. :/

February 2009

I met 'Guildford boy' (despite the picture, I don't want to mention his real name) at an out of control house party in Bramley, Surrey and from the moment I set my eyes on him, I said to myself 'Damn, this boy might be worth a shot!' So I set him as my target for the evening. As the party got more out of hand, our conversation started to flow better and by 9pm we were right down the bottom of the garden in a dark corner getting to know eachother... much better. Everybody knew the party was pretty much ruined so they tried to make the rest of their evening at least a littel more enjoyable and let's face it, so did Guildford boy and me. A quick fumble upstairs later, nearly getting interupted by the police we both made our seperate ways downstairs, very giddy looks upon our faces. It was great, he clearly knew what he was doing but it didn't seem overpowering or had me feel self-conscious, a very fun way to pass our time whilst everybody panicked downstairs.

Later that night I ran into my friend Katherine, the girl who I'd been invited to this party by and she dragged me into a corner and started quizzing me about Guildford boy. I turned out he not only had a girlfriend but I knew her, very well in fact. I walked away feeling like the worlds' worst bitch. Afterwards I found out that they were on the verge of a break up, on her behalf, this made me feel alot better, even though it was still no excuse. I solved my sadness by drinking away at the free alcohol and then being pulled by some random ginger stranger, who has been a very presistent stalker ever since. I suppose it's extremely embarrasing but it's so hilarious as all this was because of a supposable rebound. So by the end of an unsuccessful night (yes even with the good sex) the fact that he cheated on my friend didn't quite fullfill my aim of the evening. I thought this was it, we might meet again at parties occasionally but nothing was going to happen, I had to put my rather large crush behind me. OH DEAR LORD WAS I WRONG..

A few days later, ice cream in hand, T.V. remote in the other, not forgetting some coffee and a blanket, I was enjoying a lazy Sunday, relaxing after a rather eventful weekend. A part of my mind was wondering around Guildford boy but then my the other was scolding it for not forgetting that fun night so I decided a therapy of 'Sex and the City' was in order. One part of Carrie and Big's unsuccessful wedding and several tissues later my phone rang with an unfimilliar number, not thinkning it would be anybody interesting, I picked up.

'Hello?'

'Hey Eve, its 'Guildford boy'. How are you?'

'Hi... erm.. I'm okay, thanks, erm... what about you?'

'Yeah I'm good thanks, I wanna see you again though. When are you coming down to see me next?'

'To see you? I'm going for a night out at Park Hatch next Friday but I was planning on seeing Katherine..'
'Well you know what? I don't normally go there but I'll come next Friday and we can get to know eachother a little better, okay?'

'What about your girlfriend?'
'Oh.. erm well, don't worry about that babe, I'll tell you next Friday.'

'Erm.. okay, talk later then?'

Yeah, speak soon babe.'

..and we did. (actually I never found out how he managed to get my number) He called me most nights where, after I got over the strangeness of the entire situation, conversation flowed very easily considering we met once and barely had anything in common. It was nice and I didn't really think of it becoming anything so I kept my guard down. It looked like my 'say goodnight and go' logic wasn't quite working out for me this time but as long as I didn't fall for my one night stand rebound I was perfectly satisfied. After seeing him that Friday nothing more happened. He bought me an excessive amount of drinks so we laughed for the entire time and then when he had to leave, he left me with my friends, making sure I was safe and said his goodnight with a long bear hug which left me wondering how much I could hypothetically really like this boy and whether 'this seeing more of him' business was at all a good idea considering the distance between us and the fact that he was still theoretically in a relationship. Nevertheless I let my drunken state convince the rest of me that this was in fact a very good potential relationship (but then again in my drunken self I also managed to call up several of my exes and a 20 year old who apparently 'loves' me announcing my new found 'man plan' prior to having my drink spiked and spending about an hour by the toilet bowl before passing out. I thank god for such amazing friends.)

Ever since that little moment, my crush was now brilliantly over and I had began to use the term 'like' i.e. 'Yes, I have really begun to like the guy.' therefore I was at that vulnerable phase where every girl hates being because this was either the make or break point. Either he would put in more effort in which case we would get to know eachother better and then maybe thinking about working things out or he wouldn't call again and that would be the end of our little pretentious romance. Of course the distance and lack of communication didn't make me feel any better as I'm an impatient person and of course this relationship would no doubt require alot of patience.

I soon found out that it was going to be neither of the mentioned above. The issue was the distance because I could only go to Guildford every so of ten whilst he wouldn't come and visit me. I think it was his drinknig that got in the way to be honest, everytime I saw him, we were at a party so he was completely wasted and then barely spoke to anybody just paraded around acting like a complete tosser then blaming it on the fact that he was too shy. COMPETE BOLLOCKS. We sprung it along for a few more months until July and then after our last drunken conversation on the phone, I decided that was the end of that and that I was better off without him. Apparently he really really liked me and was upset to let me go but towards the end of our little nothing I made considerably more effort because of his 'shyness' but just ended up feeling like a fool. I don't know how he feels about me at the moment but I can say that when I see him next time it is going to be extremely akward as I will no longer be willing to put myself out there.

All I have left to say until I run into him by mistake again, is that his new haircut makes me wet myself everytime I see it. It's absolutely brilliant!! The sad thing is I still pretty much fancy the pants off of him :)

Outcome of this 'say goodnight and go' rebound was that this in fact does not work. The only way that I think such a method would work is that you will never be able to see the person again so that feelings do not develop. A strictly no contact after rule I believe. After all the contact, your feelings get dragged out and that's when it starts to hurt you. I know that now, but for figuring out that it only works this way, I needed another man to help me along the way..

July 2009

This gorgeous boy's name is ' the instructor' and I am completely and utterly in 'fake imaginery' love with him. In all honesty, we shared very little in common but somehow, it was just what we both needed, a little bit of a 5 day nothing with a brilliant last night consisting of ' no strings attached' sex.

As we set of on our little camping adventure, I really had no clue what to expect as I was going with three girls who I barely got on with. Nevertheless I told myself that I would make this experience enjoyable no matter what despite the obvious disapprovement of my new 'holiday friends'.

The outline of the adventure...

first night- Terential downpour sans alcohol, cigarettes or a dry place to sleep. So far, to even remotely attractive males in the surrounding area.

second night- Drunken phone call and argument with 'Guildford Boy', still no attractive males close by therefore an early night in the not so dry tent, crying and generally moping on the phone to my lovely Gary.

third day- HELLO GORGEOUS KAYAK INSTRUCTOR!! :)

third evening- Oh the quest for 'the instructor' has begun. There are 4 females and 1 male. It feels like I have become a lioness in the jungle, all in for the prize but only one of us will walk away with 'it', considering the fact that I'm horny and alone as well as extremely determined, I believe I'm in for a very decent chance. Eyes on the prize.

fourth evening- We all decided to venture for drinks in the local pub. 4 females, 2 males, which in my opinion is absurd as I don't particularly enjoy female company in the first place, let alone when they're all fighting over one man. I seem to be making progress though, the countless 'x's on his texts, the relationship we are both building steadily through banter and flirting, alot more progress than any of my fellow girlfriends are making. It's quite sad really but I'm satisfied as I now know I'll be the winner and that is my main satisfaction. After all, this is clearly a game so I put my sexy mode into full and surely, by the end of the evening I have gained one very good smelling boy hoodie, one very sore but satisfied set of lips, a few scratches on my back from the pub wall and a sense of not quite enough satisfaction.

fifth day & evening- I refuse to describe this in detail as one of my close friends is reading this blog and I'm sure that after this he would no longer remain a close friend but rather a person I used to know but who no longer likes or respects me. Let's just say neither me or 'the instructor' spent much of the day dressed. He asked me out for a lovely picnic but the picnic blanket was not used to the placement food.. Later we decided to stroll along the river but only made it to a nearby bush. In the evening, he decided to show me 'the highropes' (no, not a filthy inuendo) but we made a use for the dirty picninc blanket one more time. The biggest surprise was that through out the entire day he has so sweet and gentil, the worry of starting to enjoy his company too much was starting the settle in. Nevertheless as I fell asleep in my tent for the last night, I felt entirely satisfied, as far as I was concerned I had hit the jackpot: a gorgeous boy who I has amazing sex with yet I felt barely any emotional attachment towards whatsoever and he had chosen me out of four other girls, my self-esteem was soaring sky high.

My conclusion from this example made it pretty simple. 'Say goodnight and go' is possible in certain circumstances but there are always a certain few must have elements within the fling otherwise staying emotionally seperate is virtually impossible. These are: 1) Distance, 2) Lust not Love, 3) No more than 1 Week. 4) Both know the boundaries. If any of these become blurred in the slightest, I can safely say that it will become unrealistically complicated and one of you, most likely you, will become unneccesarily hurt. Although, don't get me wrong, either of you can become hurt by this at any point therefore I would never judge this as a safe option if you are emotionally unstable in the slightest, it is a 'fun at your own risk' situation where the method of 'Cost & Reward' has to be applied at all times. Unless you have studied psychology I don't expect you to know of this, in simple terms it means the process each person makes before they make a decision. The question is 'Is the cost of getting involved more than the reward I shall receive after?' It can be applied in most circumstances and is a subconscious necessity which I am trying to apply to the theory of 'say goodnight and go'. In any case, if you're not a 100% sure that the fling will be a healthy bonus for you, there is no point in getting involved as it is often more complicated than anticipated anyway therefore caution may never be enough.