It's been a week or two of denial where I have been trying to tell myself that I'm okay, when in fact anytime that I reminisce or see anything that reminds me of Czech or him, I feel nauseous. Despite all this maybe I have got around to writing about it to a certain extent. Not about what actually happened but the after effects, the hurt I never knew existed. Every time somebody hurts you, you sit there contemplating whether your heart was broken, from the age of 13ish but even though I thought I had my heart broken twice before (the pain was relatively similar in both cases), it was nothing compared to what I have undergone in the past 4 months.
Throughout October the pain worsened but I kept thinking that it was just anticipation about seeing him and solving the issues between us but now I can see it was much more than that. People say the real heartbreak only lasts up to a month but I would have to disagree with that. Slowly but surely my heart's been crushed into smaller and smaller pieces since the end of September. I never believed I would be one of those girls that would let a guy do this to her. He has made me physically ill, serious hospital appointment ill, I am still suffering from the side effects now which has made my self esteem plummet in college.
I don't even know what to say really except my knight in shining armour turned out to be a complete asshole, he still writes to me now, this morning was the worst I think. He texted me 'Eve, I love you. I'm laying in bed with Lucie sleeping next to me and all I can think of is you. It's not her who I want to be with, it's you. I miss you so much & I wish things were different. I'm sorry '.
It's pathetic really, all he's done to hurt me and now he thinks that feeble apologies, mails on facebook, drunken phone calls and texts will fix everything? NO.
Even though things have gone really badly for me lately and I was weak enough to let my guard down when I was with him, now I have no excuse and let's face it, it's the least of my worries. After all, the majority of my close friends have gone to university so I have nothing to do, I cannot wear my contacts lenses so my glasses make my self esteem crash straight down to zero but I have been crying too much so I'm trying to solve things and not be emotional about everything anymore. Not even Luke.
Oh a new update, now he is spamming my facebook, fabulous...... It's just so difficult trying to ignore him because it hurts so much, everything he did. Especially after flying out to Czech for a week, just for him and then being informed, BY FACEBOOK, that he was in a relationship one day prior to my flight. Oh and that wasn't the beginning of it at all, he was supposed to pick me up from the airport which he couldn't because his granddad got sick. (Even though I thought it was an excuse, it turned out to be a legitimate reason in the end) But yes, afterwards I got to only see him for an hour and a half during I manage to lose all dignity which I still had in our sick relationship. Gary knows just how much I tried to be strong, seconds before giving myself to Luke, I was on the phone to Gary for reassurance, panicking but still holding up, more angrily nervous with everything Luke had done rather than excited to see him. Nevetheless, 30 seconds into our meeting and I had melted into his embrace, just so comfortable in his arms. Familiarity. I was startled by him suddenly appearing whilst I was confiding in Gary, stuttling to finish the phone call not making it too obvious we were talking about him. Surprise. He looked gorgeous. A warm tailored winter coat, black and smart, none of the boy/ man nonsense like in the summer. Shock. He smiled widely and his eyes lit up, 'Hi you!!' He pulled me me, tried to kiss me but I pulled away... He then kissed my cheek and gave me another long embrace, snuggling me into his warm coat. Reluctance. I smelt the familiar smell, felt his rough skin, everything seemed like the summer, like what I once wanted heaven to be, all my frustration had melted away and my hatred was replaced once more by complete love and devotion. Defeat. This is when I realised I was screwed.. Love.
We walked through the town arms around each other, I wanted the risk now, he had literally hypnotised me and I could no longer make my own decisions. He acted as if he hadn't just come back from seeing his girlfriend, as if it was summer once more, as if it was just us two once again, nobody else, no judgements. It was wrong. Now I see just how gulliable and naive I must have seemed to him. Laughable, really. In the moment I didn't see though, I was head over heels for the bad boy and I couldn't smile more broadly. We sat down in a bar for a drink, I wanted, no, needed a beer as I knew where the constant flirtation and deep conversation was going, I knew sleeping with him would be terrible, I wanted to but I knew I shouldn't. His charm would help me make my mind up for me so I hoped this was one of his less charming days; I knew I was wrong though, he was as charming as he was when we first met.
We sat there, just a few 'drinks and cigarettes' worth and alot of meaningful discussion entwined with flirtation later I had no cover left of me. I asked him on why he acted as he did and he explained himself, even the excuses were genuine which made it seem okay, even though it clearly was not. He had picked me apart piece by piece knowing how to make me smile, I grinned the entire time, I just pecked out of his hand like a good little hen. Stupid girl I am, the one thing this had taught me is that fact that I am too young for a boy that age, he knows how to work on me and my feelings, play with me as if I were his puppet, absurdity really.
I'm sick of contemplating about this, it makes no more sense in my head than before I wrote any of this down. The bottom line is that he used me as we ended up sleeping together within that hour and a half, he now tries to tell me he loves me yet he acts extremely loved up with his girlfriend. It hurts me alot, I must admit. I can't shake off that guilt feeling, not towars her but towards my dignity and his respect towards me. Nevertheless, it's over and I don't have to face him or any of his friends for over a month now. I'm off to read a very contradictioary book called 'Luxury' by Jessica Ruston, I do recommend it for the cynical reader whithin you, a very interesting read with many twists, it is a great emotionless getaway.
Goodnight,
- Eve Anna xo
