Even if a person is a hundred percent busy, there is always that minute or two where you stop and think. A moment where you have absolutely nothing else to do than to stop and think, to wonder: What am I doing with my life? Despite all this hard work, happiness, achievement, I feel like I'm going nowhere. Not actually doing anything.
Maybe it is just being restless. When I was to have a break and rest I can't and when I finally get a chance to, my mind goes into a whirl and I wish I was busy again to stop that feeling of uselessness. It has to be boredom, greed for things that are impossible to have but there is always that sense of underachieving when I'm not busy. This is when I start thinking about all the missed opportunities, bad choices, things I wish went differently... From ones that happened years ago to fairly recent ones. For one, I wish I hadn't let anything happen with Kyle. It still lingers in the back of my mind and not because I like him but because of the affect it's had on our friendship. It's probably because of how close we were beforehand but it was a bad idea because it could never be just a one night thing; there's just that closeness from before which doesn't permit us to do that. It's just because I'm so lonely right now but I need someone here and Kyle would be the obvious choice. I can't get my head around this. I can't see us together and liking him in a different way but that clear friendship line has thoroughly been smudged. He shouldn't have done what he did in the morning. The hugging and kissing, the whispers and compliments, I didn't want that. That was beyond the borderline of a one night drunken fling. Now look where it's gotten me to. I don't care, I just wonder what it could have been and what trouble it's getting our friendship into? And I don't know why I'm pondering so much about it. It's insane and absurd so why does it bug me when I am devotedly in love with somebody else so much more perfect? You can't even begin to compare the two so why is this lingering in the back of my brain and coming back to bite me in the arse whenever he comments me or someone makes a dig about what happened at Reading?
Maybe it's because I didn't get what I wanted, him wanting me back. I just can't take rejection and wanted that extra attention because I felt/ feel lonely. Clearly this is still my immaturity coming through and I need to concentrate on other things than things that I can't have and don't even actually want? I need to remind myself that I have stepped out of my old shoes, the ones where I was scared of commitment, made guys fall for me and then just run away but if they didn't want me, get impossibly upset. It was all an endless circle where I just ended up upset 24/7. I am happy now, happy with the perfect guy. I need to stop faffing around.
The best remix of this song is by David Guetta but this one's new and fairly different to the original remixes. Ideal song for right now haha :)
Off to do some work to distract myself.
- Eve Anna x
Maybe it's because I didn't get what I wanted, him wanting me back. I just can't take rejection and wanted that extra attention because I felt/ feel lonely. Clearly this is still my immaturity coming through and I need to concentrate on other things than things that I can't have and don't even actually want? I need to remind myself that I have stepped out of my old shoes, the ones where I was scared of commitment, made guys fall for me and then just run away but if they didn't want me, get impossibly upset. It was all an endless circle where I just ended up upset 24/7. I am happy now, happy with the perfect guy. I need to stop faffing around.
The best remix of this song is by David Guetta but this one's new and fairly different to the original remixes. Ideal song for right now haha :)
Off to do some work to distract myself.
- Eve Anna x
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