It's strange you know, I think about it and it really doesn't mean anything to me but it still stings a little. It's more about feeling left out than anything else but I just wish things were a little different. Considering that Reading fest with Kyle meant really nothing to me and the only reason why I wanted him to ask me out was for my ego... Cami is really annoying me. She's been best friends with him since they were 11 and they slept together a few weeks before Reading fest but just remained friends, I'm almost sure neither of them want anything further to happen but at the back of my mind, there's a little voice going.. 'He chose her over you, he chose her over you!!' I don't know why exactly if so, maybe because we didn't have sex or because he genuinely knows her better and sees her very frequently but it annoys me that he's barely talking to me now, just like before, whilst he sees her every time he goes out. I know I'm being stupid but the fact that I didn't achieve hat I wanted makes me feel a little worthless, overall, it's definitely better that nothing will happen in the near future if at all because of it ruining my friendship but I still, I don't like this. I know that if I saw him more, it would be different but it's just so frustrating because if I'm honest, I don't think she's better looking than me or funnier so this really isn't going down well with me.
I know I sound like a spoilt brat right now, it is none of my business, especially if I don't really care but I cannot help it. I suppose it's because it's the first time in months I've had a crush on another guy besides Petr and it hasn't worked out, it's just proving to me all over again that it's not all worth it; the inner humiliation, the fact that I have to try to yet again prove to myself that I am good enough for someone that I can't even imagine being with. Due to many factors including his height & maturity... it couldn't work.
Okay, this is pointless, rambling on about being jealous of a girl that I really think is quite nice and a guy that I don't even want to be with, he's just a friend with whom I crossed the line and now I have to put up with the consequences before I get to see him again and sort my head out. It's times like this that I wish my brain wasn't on such high mode because it is constantly shattering my ego and making me think of absurdities which I explain to myself a few minutes later just because I write them down and read them over.
...
What is this about?
How can I get 'rejection' out of my head?
Maybe it's just because I feel lonely in general, that's why my brain is working over time. I guess the only way to survive this over the next few months is to write it down to get it out of my system because let's face it, the tension has gone and I almost find my worry comical now. I miss my boy and I'm trying to find someone to replace the closeness for time being but I cannot find anyone that could compare to Petr therefore I probably won't be able to find anyone that will do more than dance with me and kiss me in a club but surprise surprise, I won't be going out because of my A-Levels therefore I'll just put up with being lonely for a year and count down until I can see Petr again. He's well worth it.
I love how this has gone from one point to another one entirely, well.. somehow it doesn't surprise me. Yet again.. working over time.. Let's hope the brain slows down overnight..
[A friend recorded this, we just stood there together & sang. So beautiful]
G'night
- Eve Anna x
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