So I spent a good 30 minutes of my evening going 'Oh no, oooooh. Oh no. This is bad. Oh shit. Shit shit shit shit. I'm a terrible person. Ooooooh, should NOT have done that' and so on....
This afternoon. What can I say? Last year, when I felt so alone, needed somebody to look after me so much, there was nobody but now that I have somebody, everyone seems to be interested and I hate it. In college, nothing ever happens, relationships barely form because of the possible awkwardness; so every singleton flirts with the opposite sex but knows that it's never more than that. But not for me apparently, no, nothing can ever be simple can it?
I am so angry right now. He likes me, he genuinely likes me. Fucking hell. He can't be like a normal guy who flirts, oh no, that would be far too simple. Basically, a new friend from my law class turns out, wants more than just friendship. Sam, that's his name, seemed like just a nice guy, someone that I could never possibly have this problem with; yeah I thought he was cute but not exactly gorgeous, it would never occur to me that he'd get a crush on me... POW!! So we get on well, he made me miss the train and we had a drink down the pub, this was my first warning: he wouldn't let me pay for the drinks. Then he kept being complimentary, constant conversation and then walking closely next to me on the way to the station, saying let's do this again, every week if possible etc and this is when I though 'Uh Oh' the flirting's gone too far. He sat next to me on the train, kept touching my arm and then we got off the train and he hugged me, then hugged me again... a long time and expected to kiss me, of course I turned away, I couldn't do it. Just No. Then I got into the car with mum and started panicking...
Why couldn't this happen last year? Why did I let it go so far? Why didn't I mention Petr earlier? What am I going to do on the train tomorrow morning? Should I tell him, should I carry on as if it's nothing? Should I stop it or not? The thing is I know that as soon as something would start happening that I'd regret it because he's not the guy I'm in love with but then I just feel so lonely right now, missing Petr, missing the closeness. In my head it's just Petr's voice telling me to go for it and I think he would too but then I couldn't not tell Sam about Petr but if I did then nothing would happen... It's just my stupid indecisiveness: what to do?
I also don't know whether to tell Petr because I think he's lonely anyway right now & this would make things so much worse and what if nothing happens and I just hurt him regardless, I caused enough damage with Reading festival. If he reads this then okay, fair enough but discussing the whole situation is completely different.
I saw Em when I got back tonight, she told me to stick to the truth with Sam; to tell him that there's this other guy in Spain, the one I'm going to see in October and even though we're not in a relationship with him, there's something going on there so during the holidays when I saw him, I would be with him regardless and he would just have to accept that. Explain the distance situation etc but then I have to consider the fact that this is far too early for this kind of discussion and I would most definitely scare him off which defeat the entire point (maybe it could be a relief..?) but either way I have to resolve the confusion but have no way how that isn't too extreme. I don't know because I think it's just the loneliness, not the fact that I actually like Sam.
He can't compare to Petr in anyway, okay one, maybe his height. But still, I can't imagine being with some boy after being with the man I want to spend my life with, Reading was just so different, m and Kyle didn't have time to think things through, we knew that it was just a spur of the moment therefore we didn't have to worry, but here, it's a completely different story. Also, how awkward would it be in law after? It really can't work whilst I have Petr in my life, I can't see another guy, consider him to be a boyfriend, it's just not right. I don't know because I know I'm missing an opportunity here but I would feel far too guilty, my consciousness would just eat me.
POW!!
The biggest explosion in my head.
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