One more year...

There are times like this, times where I just sit, doing one thing or another, just reminisce about you, think just how lucky I am to have you. We are so perfect. There are & will be problems along the road but so far, it couldn't be any better between us. The only problems are due to my family & I need to learn to deal with those better but I really don't know how to yet. I somehow need to talk about why I feel the way I feel, the way they hurt me without knowing... I need to sort this out inside me in order to be able to come to terms with why they are the way they are & how I can understand them so I agree with what they want from and for me. They want the best for me, well as far as my mum is concerned but I need her to trust me a little more because I'm not going to be a child soon and as far as maturity goes, I'm much more mature than your average 18 year old anyway therefore I want her to see that I am capable of looking after my emotional well being as well as make the right choices for the future, even if they're not enjoyable at all times. It's just not possible to show her. There are little things I do all the time, to prove myself but that still doesn't change the fact that the trust isn't enough and I am sick and tired of constantly feeling like a little girl, especially when the guy I'm with is so much older... It just feels so degrading.

Today, it felt as if I'd moved a step closer towards a level of trust with my mum. I told her something extremely important and so much has been knocked off my chest but in a way I think it's burden added upon her which I feel bad for; none the less, I've told her the truth and now there are no secrets between us... to a certain extent. I just don't feel good enough for her and I'm sick of trying to prove that I am, I just want acceptance and I feel as if I'm never going to fully get it therefore I have to wait for one more year until I leave home when things will begin to be different. I hope. I hope they will still be there for me when I chose to live my life my own way, not the way they want me to. Also I hope Petr will support my decision when it comes to my family, whatever it is.

There are so many little stabs they have and one by one they are getting to me more and more. I just pray that this year, probably the most difficult one for me so far, that I won't snap and ruin everything because as potrayed by this summer, things are slowly edging there and I don't want that to happen. I don't want to disappoint them and all the hope they have put in me by one weak moment of snapping; because of how they will restrict me in the next year. It's just one more year, I have to plow through so I can have the life I want, with the education, with Petr.