The shame and shaking them off

So, there have been a lot of thoughts going through my head in the past month or so, many of which I don't even want to write about here because I don't want there to even be evidence of them, it's childish but it's happened so now I'm going to try to start writing without talking about the previous yet fully discussing now.

I feel so much more vulnerable right now and if I'm quite honest, I hate it. I can't put up with the feeling that I'm putting so much trust in one person, willing to do it with the risk of pretty much going crazy if it goes wrong right now. Even though I'm so glad how we are and I wouldn't have it any other way, I hate myself for being so irresponsible: letting myself depend on somebody else for letting myself love someone so much. It's still such a scary thing to me, it's now over taken the commitment which was at number one position.

Before, the issue of commitment was the worst for me. Not because of being able to get with guys, sleep with them etc but because of the flirting, the closeness, all the things that I could do and not get judged because of being single. I didn't realise the extent of how different single life is compared to where I am now. There was an initial period where this seemed crazy to me, that despite how much I love Petr and wanted to be with him, why would I give all this up and just feel lonely all the time when we're apart? My brain couldn't get used to the fact that it was just going to have to be like that from now on, this is why we had the arguments in Spain, because I had no idea how to act with a boyfriend when spending time apart yet still being there together. All these guys were coming up to me and I was just so confused. I can see now just how much of a bad vibe I gave off because the guys still won't leave me alone now and I hate it. Yes, I know it's across the internet so it doesn't matter but still, I feel uncomfortable with them saying the things they do to me yet I want to talk to them, to practice my Spanish, to widen my friendships, knowledge of culture etc. I try to do the but the only thing they want it dirty talk over the internet, I feel too ashamed to even tell Petr because he'd just get angry for no reason and it's not like there's a real problem. Just my naivety.

What else baffles me that they still bother me now, I've been gone long enough for them to even forget that I was there, let alone still be trying something.. I've had to come off facebook just because I couldn't handle one of the guys right now, it's just too much now and I hate it. Guys in England aren't like this whatsoever, not so persistent, pushy, which is why I don't know how to deal with this sort of situation.

None the less, I'll go back to my original point of how new all this is to me. I'm starting to have completely new levels of feelings; jealousy, yes I've had it before but this is completely different, it's not dangerous because I trust him of course but still I'm just so worried about him, I want only the best to come out of the situation and I don't want him to be lonely yet girls in general just make me cautious. I can't imagine what it must be like for Petr hearing about all these guys all the time considering that most of my close friends are guys. Maybe I should rethink that because I don't want to hurt him or upset him because of such a feudal issue. It's silly how it's these little things that make me see just how different feeling committed finally means, I mean I was pretty much committed before but now it just feels so different; the words boyfriend/ girlfriend, committed relationship, future; they no longer scare me and I want them to happen, I want a future with this guy, more than anything.

Because o f wanting this to work out so much, I can't believe I managed to screw it up by my own inexperience whilst I had that little time with him in Spain, the more I think about everything, the more I realise that it was entirely my fault and I hate the fact that he has to now gain the trust back in me because I can't believe I ever did anything so terrible to lose the trust and to upset him for such a long time. I worry that this caused a big part of his illness after I left. I hate myself for doing this. And I hate the fact that we've gotten ourselves into this position where trust, one of the most important parts of our relationship, needs to be rebuilt to a certain extent. I just hope this hasn't upset him enough to go down as one of his 3 crosses- by the time he gets to number 3, he'll finish it. That's ultimately my biggest fear.

Every day I wake up and I am so grateful for having such an amazing guy and each day, I have a more positive feeling from commitment, from the fact that we're together; I am gaining independence and no longer feel the need for those guys being there when Petr isn't (a little like those times in Spain maybe). The guys in college love this because they can finally just have a true friend that's a girl and that's ideal for me but even when I go out, I don't feel the need to have a man on my arm and I don't want to be with anyone else whatsoever, they all now repulse me because they're not my man.

I'm fine on my own from now on, I'm independent but I know I have my man with me where ever I go and we will be like this for a long time, as time goes on, my independence will grow even further which is only a good thing so at university I don't succumb to any problems because all this is worth being with Petr. Everything. It's also a great feeling, I have never felt so content, powerful, satisfied because I know he's there with me and we're in love. I just hope the trust can be regained entirely over time because I'd do anything for him and want him to be okay. I'm still new to this and learning; but trying to hard for him..


just us and the sea now, a new blank slate a new start.