Deja Vu.

Deja'fucking'Vu.

I feel as if I've gone back in time in my head. Despite knowing that it's not the same situation whatsoever, I feel exactly like this time last year. Exactly a year ago. Exchanging love mails with Lukas on facebook, telling each other how excited we were for me to come see him and then BAM! A few days before my flight, somebody else appeared in the picture. It's not the same as today, no but I still can't help but think about last year, that's why my mind is so clouded because I'm not actually thinking about now, I'm reminiscing on last year. I've given him the freedom to do what he wants and I know so much alcohol was involved but I still can't believe he did it. Especially after saying he doesn't have one night stands. I don't understand.. I will feel so humiliated now, I'll come there and for the people that saw them together, I'll just be another one of those girls, they don't know he's not like that, they don't understand the situation but still, that's not what will matter at that point in time. And what if she sees us? It makes me feel sick with anxiety now. I'm overreacting, it's ridiculous, especially after knowing that this would happen at one point or another but it still doesn't hurt any less.

He's told me to think about it that it's just another person who's not important, just like all those before we met but I can't think of it like that. My mind just doesn't work like that, I have to come to terms with it somehow otherwise it will tear me apart, I just don't know how yet. During Reading, yesterday, there have been so many opportunities to sleep with guys but I've said no because of fearing the consequences, despite how much I'd drunk. I almost wish I'd slept with Harry yesterday, I know it's spiteful what I'm thinking now but he was lovely but I said no sorry, I have a boyfriend (technically not true but I wasn't going to start explaining it all with that amount of alcohol in me). Then Reading, could've slept with Alex, Kyle, Gareth... but no. Fucking willpower, which has taken me so long to acquire but I've finally done it and now it bites me in the arse.

But now, what do I say to him? I have no right to say no, to be upset, anything for that matter. I want to know who she is though, if possible see her facebook profile because if she is at the same place as us, I was to stay well clear of her. God, what will she think when she sees me? 'Just another one...' I can't get my head around this, I don't know how I'll be able to be there without feeling humiliated, I'm scared enough as it is, new environment, students all older than me, so intimidating and now her as well. I just want to know about her. I think that'll help me. Also actually speaking to Petr, this is the first time that we'll speak and I won't be okay, I don't know how I will do it... or when. It needs to be done soon though otherwise my mind will eat itself, I'm already not going to do my Spanish and Law essays tonight (for tomorrow) because I just can't concentrate so I need to work tomorrow so I don't fall behind too much, I have to remember college is too important to faff around right now.

On the one hand, I know I have no right to be in this state so I feel terrible about what I'll be putting him through but on the other hand, I can't hold this much upset in, pretend as if I'm okay because that's where problems start. I will be pissy with him, he won't know why and then next thing we know, we're arguing pointlessly. I DON'T KNOW.

The thing is, I have no right to be upset, to be angry, but why does it happen now? It was this time last year, exactly.Lukas... the memories, they still make me ache... I'll speak to Petr about it tomorrow, hopefully things might become a little clearer by then because right now it's just a teary eyed blur. I'm sorry for making such a big deal out of this when Petr was okay with me getting with the other guys, but I just think this is different.