In 52 minutes the Christmas period officially begins. The season of romance and happiness as well as family. Once again I'll be alone, yes the past few years I've been alone by choice; i.e. the dumper, but being in Czech for Christmas for the first time in 3 years and no doubt having to see him, maybe even with her.. It will kill me. I think I'll spend the season in mourning once more, not thinking about what could have been or how things have worked out in reality.
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Today though, I've found myself contemplating about Saturday. I know it was just a one off but the fact that Em told Mark that I wanted nothing has made me wonder whether that's true. It probably is just the fact that he's not talking to me, which I suspect is because I haven't spoken to him and when I see the other guys we joke about it and I don't let on the insecurities I really have. I've spent quite a long day thinking about the possibilities and because of him not making an effort towards me, it makes me want him more. It's the aspect of triumph, the less likely something is to happen, the more wrong it is, the more I want it because I want the thrill of it all, the risk of losing, distracting me from everyday formalities.
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Anyway, I have been thinking about Mark alot todat, I texted Em and asked her about it but she doesn't have her phone but she mailed me and told me about her day, which turned out to be pretty upsetting for her therefore I was there for her and didn't bring my worries up.
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I'm just thinking it's too soon to start liking someone again, even if just a little, If something were to get serious, I think I would run away the option that he actually also wants something repulses me, I like this chase but then at the same time I want him because I need the security which only a boyfriend can provide. I wonder whether he's thinking about this in any way, obviously not into so many details, disecting everything (he's not as pathetic as me as I am. I hope. It would be a real turn off if I'm honest) but if he remembers just as much of the evening as me, maybe he also felt the tiny spark of possibility of something new.
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I just want him to speak to me. To show some effort after Saturday night. I know that it's probably for the best if he doesn't because it could ruin a friendship group which I have barely just managed to link with but we have so many things in common, so much fun together. Plus, he's a hockey player, which for an ex-compeeting ice skater is such a turn on!!
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It's just the fright of being out there for the possibility of something happening. To let him see that if he makes the effort with me that I won't retaliate and that I'm open to the idea of it. I don't like the idea of all this on one hand but then I really want to on the other. I'm terrified of commitment but who says we would have to commit straight away? If we saw how things went for a few months, taking things slow, maybe I would be ready for someone other than Lukas in my life. I can't see it happening anytime soon but if things go right, anything is possible.
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Right?
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- Eve Anna x
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