Friday night and I'm not out getting wildly drunk and losing all cares in the world, no, I'm babysitting. Not that I'm complaining as I need even those few pounds but the fact that I've been working the entire week has exhausted me mentally and therefore being inside thinking about everything and getting upset is clearly not a good idea as it will evidently lead to absurdity and most likely a few tears.
I think it's just one of those evenings, I miss having sombody close by. Luke of course but I mean it's not even that anymore because I see how happy he seems to be with Lucie; even the drunken calls and texts have decreased, I just feel so alone right now. I think it's the fact that I covered the broken hearted-ness to get on with everything, i.e. (A- levels I cannot chance to fail or get anything beyon a B) but then at moments like this, of boredom maybe, or just pure despiration, I turn to food and tears and regret the past which I inevitably cannot change.
I wonder whether he ever really loved me or whether I was just a gulliable little girl to him? Because I trully cannot tell anymore, I have never been so numb for so long, even in the past, I have always managed to rebound for someone better to make myself happier but now, I'm too numb to even want that. I've put up a wall to shield myself from everyone, even friends. I cannot stand to be hurt this way for a very long time. It's pathetic really but if I want to be honest, the pain was indescribable, I mean it's getting better now but I think it was the fact that I fell in love with him so unexpectedly. It was so wrong but felt so right. Somewhere deep inside I still think about that what if's because I contemplate whether we could ever make it work between us in the far future. I'm scared I met my soulmate and now he's gone with someone else, telling me he still loves me and wants me above anyone else but knows it's also impossible.
Partially I think this is because I've started talking to Kayle alot again and he still evidently has feelings for me therefore it's made me consider the possibilities and after quickly ruling them out (not wanting to make the same mistake again), I started feeling so attrociously lonely, I miss Luke, so much. I am still so in love with him and all I want right now is to see him, which I may do in two weeks time. This will be terrible though. The pain I mean..
I don't know.
I hope Gary's okay though.
- Eve Anna x
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