I can't picture what life would be like without you.

It's times like this that I feel so lonely without you. I don't want to admit it to seem weak but I do, I miss you a lot & I can't believe that I've met somebody as amazing as you but have to wait such a long time before we can be together properly & because it is such a long time away, there is never a certainty that it will happen. I am so frightened that I will love you more and more each day & then just one day, you will change your mind, go back to your old life and not want me anymore. I know that's it's a stupid insecurity but I never thought something like this would happen to me, that I would care so much for somebody & now I have, I want forever, not hurt.

After summer, I didn't think I could possibly care again for years, let alone so soon. Quite honestly, from the beginning I hurt so much I didn't want to love again. He made me not want to fall in love, ever. I still feel completely sick thinking about this because it hurts me, I won't deny that the hollow feeling is still there but it only ever comes up when I feel lonely, when I think of Petr, last summer doesn't exist to me, neither does the pain & Lukas. At the beginning of easter, one day before I met Petr, I remember Lukas calling & wanting to see me & I had a complete breakdown. I had to go out of the club and calm down because I was so scared of seeing him; it makes no sense to me now but even the thought of having to be near him again & feeling the pain, I couldn't handle it. It seems absurd now but at the time, it just brought back sheer terror. But when I met Petr, it all went away.

Just in that instant I met him & knew he was special, his personality baffled me to the extent where I was too anxious to speak to him until I had a few drinks but because he had a girlfriend I didn't think anything of it, also the fact that I thought he was far too gorgeous for me therefore he wouldn't be interested in a little 16 year old girl when he was 22... still is by the way. But he was, and after a couple of dates, he turned out to respect me even more than I respected him, to the point where he planned out future together. I mean there would be incredible sacrifices on both of our parts in order to make this happen, me first really, the tolerance of his current girlfriend & him later: the break up, the move to England whilst I would be enjoying my first year of university, only a year & a half away. Frightening I know. Then again I would sacrifice a lot of university life for him, the new experiences etc because I would genuinely be commited & my social life would suffer dramatically. When I consider this, it puts me off a little as it would be a lot of my youth, friendships etc sacrificed for one boy, a huge risk I admit. I don't quite know whether I'd be willing to give all that up for just a chance of perfection, only time will tell. I'll see if I can fall in even more love for my ideal man. However, it is far too rash to consider all this now, I have known him for only a few months, I don't know enough about the outside world to sort this out myself & almost 2 years is a long way away for us to be making decisions, all I an say is.. 'We will see.'

[I don't like the new Youtube settings, finding a decent video, even just for the music is so complicated. Just one of our songs, well more mine to him.]

Anonyous perfection. New year, new start

Just for tonight.

I haven't written about this new 'discovery' yet. Supposedly because I cannot put it into words, I cannot find the right things to say to describe all the mixed emotions I recall during the course of missing him, it's such incredible pain that it actually doesn't hurt, I hope it means that I've become stronger overall, that Lukas did help me with growing thicker skin and become more resistant on the outside. Ever since I met Petr, I have been in heaven and now having to leave him for three whole months, it's slowly becoming unbearable; yet it's only been a week and a few days so far but it's been the longer we've been apart by far, especially that we spent every possible waking moment with each other, even if in silence asleep, I just needed him to look after me, to be able to feel vulnerable again and to trust. True trust, without a doubt.. okay maybe little doubts, but the more time I spent with him, the more those doubts disappeared. After only two weeks, I became to infatuated by him that I can now not imagine what my life would be without him, it sounds unrealistic and maybe it is but I know this is my principal cause for happiness right now and I want to maintain it that way. Maybe it is just pretence because the future is so far ahead of us but if feeling of bliss means pretence, then let it be.

As I said before, I don't really know what I can write about with this. Explaining when and how is pointless, I won't waste my time on that like I did before because writing and talking about it makes it less special. Each new person who finds out takes a little bit of my excitement with them and the memories slowly fade, that's what I'm afraid off, that by the time I come back in the summer Petr would have realised that maybe his girlfriend is more important than seeing me a couple of times and year and that he won't want to be with me that way anymore. That he'll just wan to go for a drink, a chat, I couldn't bare that anymore because it is all too familiar, exactly what Lukas had said to me and so much of a drink that turned out to be, if it was only a drink Lukas wanted, he wouldn't have dragged me into bed the first opportunity he could. It still hurts me when I think of it, but when I was with Petr my mind was blank, I don't need to think about problems and worry about what was right and wrong; the main thing was that we were both so happy with just being there, together. Sometimes I don't know why I get so worried, the more I worry the more absurd my worrying gets and the more likely I am to ruin everything but I caannot help it. I can't help but let out my parania somewhere and this is the best place as nobody can see it, unless I want them to.

These past few days have been harder than I thought, it started when I saw Em because I saw how much she missed Belal after not seeing him for two weeks and it made me fear what I would be like. I was okay and I still am I suppose, I get a little upset when I'm alone because I miss him so much but otherwise I'm okay. It's nearly two weeks now though and I just want to get this misery out, to somehow get rid of it because I know I have to wait to see him for another 2 and a half months, but I know I'm okay, even when upset, it will all be okay, that's what I'll keeep telling myself. It all has to be okay, us, college, everything because it can't be any other way.

I know I'm now just talking aimlessly but it's a reliefe, to just type what comes to my mind because it means that I can somehow explain what is going on in my mind. Not the sane calm thoughts, the ones I tell people, the ones that are there when I'm getting on with everyday things. This is when I start writing, all my thoughts and emotions seem to pile up and there's no way that I can put them down in words when they all try to coem out. The beginnings are fine, well thgouth through, maybe veen structured but then by the seconds or third paragraph, any chance of a good piece of writing has disappeared.

I don't know what else to say..

I wanted to show this to Petr maybe, just let him read this one diary entry but somehow it doesn't seem to make sense even to myself, let alone him. It's so insecure and melodramatic that I don't know what his opinion would be if he read this, that's the worrying thing about me being only 16, I feel as if I act immature sometimes, especially with things like writing me diary, full of emotions and then sending it to him.. I don't know, maybe this will just remain private, anonymous.

- Eve Anna x

Untitled simplicity..

Just a quick one tonight. I'm slowly slipping into a numb coma state once more, I sit at home and all I can think of is you, I wear the necklace around my neck just to feel close to you, it comforts me because I want to believe you still care. All together you've given me two necklaces which have consisted of three hearts but maybe that describes our relationship...

There is never going to be just me and you, never two hearts, it'll always be three because you can't seem to choose and commit to just one person and even if you could, I could never trully trust you or the distance which stands between us. It would simply be far too diifuclt and that is why I'm glad things worked out as they have, I just wish it never got to more than that one night.

You know, I feel like a broken record as I say these things over and over. It feels like there's still so many unresolved issues even though I have gone over every single little detail in my head a million times and I know that I won't be able to disect any bit of information anymore than I have in the past few months.

I think the best thing for me right now is just to read a book again, not a college one all about law or biology etc but some fictional romance that I have in the back of my littel dusty library. Sink into that make believe world to make myself feel a little better and take my mind off any unresolved crap that's been going on.

I know it's all pretty pathetic but I can't help feel that way.

I love him,

- Eve Anna x

Cheap trickery can be undermimed by a great friend.

Right now, I am in a fantastic mood as I've had a lovely night of doing nothing with Emmy which is exactly what I needed after the nasty surprise I received by post this morning. Nevertheless I've realised that relying on my friends might not be such a bad idea and that I can in fact trust some of them. Emmy has been a real support to me lately and I believe I have also been that way to her so this blog might just be some of the pictures from tonight before we went out. There's no particular reason for the picture taking; we took them ... just because. The girl below has been through so much with me and I've been there even more so for her, when her father died, helping her and her family, I love them all, they are my second family, I'd like to think.

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The reason why I was upset was because Luke sent me a package, no note, nothing, just his address in case it didn't deliver and inside was this...

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I didn't know what to make of it but it outraged and confused me to the maximum. Later when I texted him saying 'I've received the package.' He sent back a reply of 'Eve, you won't talk to me other than on facebook statuses, you never reply, nothing. I just needed you to see how much you still mean to me. Despite everything. I love you, Luke.' I mean I discussed it with Em and she calmed me down so I suppose now I feel a lot more positive about the entire situation. The up side is that I don't have to see him when I go to Czech in two weeks and I can wear this beautiful necklace without being too upset, it won't be a complete waste will it? :)
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Anyway, as I don't want to spoil my mood by thinking about this whole thing too much, I'll finish this blog by posting a few pictures with Em from the start of tonight because I've realised just how much I missed friendships and trust in the past year, a different kind of closeness, maybe romance isn't neccessary, maybe friends are the only vital thing in life. Maybe the excessive closeness within your close friends is all you need until you meet one of the numerous special someone's.

Sweetie,

I love you.

- Eve Anna x

Can a terrible mistake trully be an unreal beauty?

Friday night and I'm not out getting wildly drunk and losing all cares in the world, no, I'm babysitting. Not that I'm complaining as I need even those few pounds but the fact that I've been working the entire week has exhausted me mentally and therefore being inside thinking about everything and getting upset is clearly not a good idea as it will evidently lead to absurdity and most likely a few tears.

I think it's just one of those evenings, I miss having sombody close by. Luke of course but I mean it's not even that anymore because I see how happy he seems to be with Lucie; even the drunken calls and texts have decreased, I just feel so alone right now. I think it's the fact that I covered the broken hearted-ness to get on with everything, i.e. (A- levels I cannot chance to fail or get anything beyon a B) but then at moments like this, of boredom maybe, or just pure despiration, I turn to food and tears and regret the past which I inevitably cannot change.

I wonder whether he ever really loved me or whether I was just a gulliable little girl to him? Because I trully cannot tell anymore, I have never been so numb for so long, even in the past, I have always managed to rebound for someone better to make myself happier but now, I'm too numb to even want that. I've put up a wall to shield myself from everyone, even friends. I cannot stand to be hurt this way for a very long time. It's pathetic really but if I want to be honest, the pain was indescribable, I mean it's getting better now but I think it was the fact that I fell in love with him so unexpectedly. It was so wrong but felt so right. Somewhere deep inside I still think about that what if's because I contemplate whether we could ever make it work between us in the far future. I'm scared I met my soulmate and now he's gone with someone else, telling me he still loves me and wants me above anyone else but knows it's also impossible.

Partially I think this is because I've started talking to Kayle alot again and he still evidently has feelings for me therefore it's made me consider the possibilities and after quickly ruling them out (not wanting to make the same mistake again), I started feeling so attrociously lonely, I miss Luke, so much. I am still so in love with him and all I want right now is to see him, which I may do in two weeks time. This will be terrible though. The pain I mean..

I don't know.

I hope Gary's okay though.

- Eve Anna x

Yesssssss!! ...RELIEF :)

I have to say that I am extremely relieved at how this afternoon turned out because all my worries over the past few days. I no longer have to worry about trying to like someone I clearly have no real attraction to. I saw Emmy this afternoon for the first time since Sunday and we sat down for a coffee and just chatted for a few hours. She saw Mark a few days ago and it turns out that luckily he only saw Saturday as a fling nothing more which is perfect. I know I freaked out over the possible consequences but now that I know it meant the same to us both therefore there is no need to worry whatsoever. I can get on with sorting myself out little by little.

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There is only one thing that surprised me a little, the fact that Mark said I was a little 'weird', yes I know it wasn't meant offensively but the strange thing is it must've been the alcohol, I mean I remember nothing. I was loud yes, weird? No. His dancing was a lot stranger than anything I did the entire night. Nevertheless there's now no issue about awkwardness between us at future parties as apparently he won't make things be that way and neither will I. After all, I have no reason to. If I make some witty comment prior to our meeting next time and clear any remaining tension then tadaa, perfect. Hello new friendships and even though it won't be a very pleasant anecdote, Mark and me will be a very good starting conversation piece for me with the other guys.

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Maybe it's a little dissappoitment that he didn't show any feedback though as I'm not used to being rejected, well I wouldn't use the term rejected but it's practically the same thing. If I was still in a spiteful state of mind I would get him to like me in some way, as I always get my way but now, I don't feel the need to do that. Karma spoke. This is clearly for the best.

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Yes, I miss the closeness.

Yes, I miss the sex.

Yes, I miss that particular someone.

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But the gap cannot be filled up by the right person until it has been partially cemented from the old wound and so far, this has not happened. I am far from okay with Luke therefore there is no point me rushing into anything because if would just end badly. I am happy I was made to realise this before things went any further and ruined everything for me.

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I'll stick with my friends for now. They'll help me get better slowly. Anyway, no time for any boy right now; January exams therefore I have more than enough work to hell and back.

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London tomorrow for several Psychology lectures.

9am start.

I shall live on Starbucks for the day :)

Shower & bed.

G'night,

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- Eve Anna x

1st day of the advent of 2009.

I want to write something but I don't know what. I'm completely undecided in anything. What to wear, who to spend my time with, what decisions to make about my essays, the distinguishing of the right and wrong. Maybe it's just boredom or proof that I have too much free time and should probably try to get down to doing some work.

I didn't finish this blog earlier and I have just gone to the gym and had a thorough work out which had released countless endorphines making me extremely happy. Taio Cruz's positivity may also be helping. You know, I think I might still be on a bit of a high from Saturday because I finally reached another level of moving on. Even though it might be the high of a new possible boy, whom I may not want anyway, I don't even worry whether he wants anything else. I would like it to proove that I still have it ;) but it isn't necessary because I was with him and I barely thought of Luke, maybe only a little and then I stopped but then the drink kicked in once more and I didn't care because I was enjoying myself for the first time in a very long time. Properly enjoying myself, that kind of 'enjoying myself'. Wow. I just now wish that he would make an effort in just talking to me because otherwise the akwardness may settle in and that could ruin a friendship group opportunity for me. First thing's first though, I need to speak to Em as I know she's still extremely upset and her phone is out of battery which worries me. I need to try calling and if that fails I'll go round there tomorrow, even if she's not in, I can talk to Jacqui (her mum) or her brothers, one of them will know. I just hope that the guys don't rip it into me too much for getting with Mark. I mean I'm not embarrassed in any way or form but it's just so frustrating when somebody does that, you know?

Anyway, I'll leave you with another classic Taio Cruz and go watch I'm a Celeb.

Yes, anything to restraint myself from doing work.

- Eve Anna x