Just for tonight.
I haven't written about this new 'discovery' yet. Supposedly because I cannot put it into words, I cannot find the right things to say to describe all the mixed emotions I recall during the course of missing him, it's such incredible pain that it actually doesn't hurt, I hope it means that I've become stronger overall, that Lukas did help me with growing thicker skin and become more resistant on the outside. Ever since I met Petr, I have been in heaven and now having to leave him for three whole months, it's slowly becoming unbearable; yet it's only been a week and a few days so far but it's been the longer we've been apart by far, especially that we spent every possible waking moment with each other, even if in silence asleep, I just needed him to look after me, to be able to feel vulnerable again and to trust. True trust, without a doubt.. okay maybe little doubts, but the more time I spent with him, the more those doubts disappeared. After only two weeks, I became to infatuated by him that I can now not imagine what my life would be without him, it sounds unrealistic and maybe it is but I know this is my principal cause for happiness right now and I want to maintain it that way. Maybe it is just pretence because the future is so far ahead of us but if feeling of bliss means pretence, then let it be.
As I said before, I don't really know what I can write about with this. Explaining when and how is pointless, I won't waste my time on that like I did before because writing and talking about it makes it less special. Each new person who finds out takes a little bit of my excitement with them and the memories slowly fade, that's what I'm afraid off, that by the time I come back in the summer Petr would have realised that maybe his girlfriend is more important than seeing me a couple of times and year and that he won't want to be with me that way anymore. That he'll just wan to go for a drink, a chat, I couldn't bare that anymore because it is all too familiar, exactly what Lukas had said to me and so much of a drink that turned out to be, if it was only a drink Lukas wanted, he wouldn't have dragged me into bed the first opportunity he could. It still hurts me when I think of it, but when I was with Petr my mind was blank, I don't need to think about problems and worry about what was right and wrong; the main thing was that we were both so happy with just being there, together. Sometimes I don't know why I get so worried, the more I worry the more absurd my worrying gets and the more likely I am to ruin everything but I caannot help it. I can't help but let out my parania somewhere and this is the best place as nobody can see it, unless I want them to.
These past few days have been harder than I thought, it started when I saw Em because I saw how much she missed Belal after not seeing him for two weeks and it made me fear what I would be like. I was okay and I still am I suppose, I get a little upset when I'm alone because I miss him so much but otherwise I'm okay. It's nearly two weeks now though and I just want to get this misery out, to somehow get rid of it because I know I have to wait to see him for another 2 and a half months, but I know I'm okay, even when upset, it will all be okay, that's what I'll keeep telling myself. It all has to be okay, us, college, everything because it can't be any other way.
I know I'm now just talking aimlessly but it's a reliefe, to just type what comes to my mind because it means that I can somehow explain what is going on in my mind. Not the sane calm thoughts, the ones I tell people, the ones that are there when I'm getting on with everyday things. This is when I start writing, all my thoughts and emotions seem to pile up and there's no way that I can put them down in words when they all try to coem out. The beginnings are fine, well thgouth through, maybe veen structured but then by the seconds or third paragraph, any chance of a good piece of writing has disappeared.
I don't know what else to say..
I wanted to show this to Petr maybe, just let him read this one diary entry but somehow it doesn't seem to make sense even to myself, let alone him. It's so insecure and melodramatic that I don't know what his opinion would be if he read this, that's the worrying thing about me being only 16, I feel as if I act immature sometimes, especially with things like writing me diary, full of emotions and then sending it to him.. I don't know, maybe this will just remain private, anonymous.
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