Uneasy, but getting better.

I'm not completely okay yet, yeah everything is sorted but my trust has been knocked so much that I just feel so weak right now, yeah it's because I feel lonely as a result of this weekend but I just feel completely drained. I want to be with Petr and let him be mine again, I'm alone, studying all the time while he's out having girls drool over him. I'm fine with that, I trust him not to do anything now but I'm still jealous. I want to spend more time with my boy, I want s to be together, not apart. The trust and confidence is a real issue now though because I feel as if I'm back at square one, shaky quite a lot, worried about everything happening around me, that constant tight uneasy feeling in my chest. I know it's stupid but as I've already said, I feel so damn weak, powerless and I just want to be with him, to be happy again, calm. I just want to be able to relax, fall asleep easier, to breathe properly than feeling that there's something wrong. I feel as if I'm okay but to tell the truth, I'm not just yet, I'm worried the extent of this confidence and trust knock in the past 7 days. I feel like a puppet in someone elses body, just not right.

Deja Vu continued

This is what angered me the most though. This weekend, I have spent the whole time missing him like mad. I've written to him loads, spent £50 (that I don't have) on lingerie for him, sent him pictures of myself in it even though I really wasn't in the mood because I know he lovs it, I wanted to ask him to change his flights so he'd stay here until Sunday not Friday because there's a big event called Burns night & the family friends I saw today invited him and it would be such a big deal to have him there, so perfect. Spent so much talking about how amazing he was when they asked about him, in my little dream world, so happy, loved up and then he's off out, sleeping with some girl whilst I'm cuddled up in bed with the bear he got me, dreaming about him, so excited to be with him soon. To see him. To let him take me to his friends and hopefully show me off. Now, none of it will be the same, I will constantly be worried what they think of me. There will be that sting of biterness there somewhere even if things get sorted, it won't be the same and completely okay before I go to Spain. I just don't know why but this weekend was the worst time for it because I have so many illusions and they were shattered by this, if it was another time, it wouldn't have affected me as much but this weekend, being the exact weekend this happened last year. Just no. Worst timing.

Oh and that he has the nerve to pass it off as 'I got involved with some girl from Erasmus.' No, you didn't get involved, you slept with her, tell me straight away, don't make me think it was just a good night kiss etc. That made me even more angry. I feel sorry for him because of the bad timing, I'm a lot more angry than I should be but I can't help it.

Deja Vu.

Deja'fucking'Vu.

I feel as if I've gone back in time in my head. Despite knowing that it's not the same situation whatsoever, I feel exactly like this time last year. Exactly a year ago. Exchanging love mails with Lukas on facebook, telling each other how excited we were for me to come see him and then BAM! A few days before my flight, somebody else appeared in the picture. It's not the same as today, no but I still can't help but think about last year, that's why my mind is so clouded because I'm not actually thinking about now, I'm reminiscing on last year. I've given him the freedom to do what he wants and I know so much alcohol was involved but I still can't believe he did it. Especially after saying he doesn't have one night stands. I don't understand.. I will feel so humiliated now, I'll come there and for the people that saw them together, I'll just be another one of those girls, they don't know he's not like that, they don't understand the situation but still, that's not what will matter at that point in time. And what if she sees us? It makes me feel sick with anxiety now. I'm overreacting, it's ridiculous, especially after knowing that this would happen at one point or another but it still doesn't hurt any less.

He's told me to think about it that it's just another person who's not important, just like all those before we met but I can't think of it like that. My mind just doesn't work like that, I have to come to terms with it somehow otherwise it will tear me apart, I just don't know how yet. During Reading, yesterday, there have been so many opportunities to sleep with guys but I've said no because of fearing the consequences, despite how much I'd drunk. I almost wish I'd slept with Harry yesterday, I know it's spiteful what I'm thinking now but he was lovely but I said no sorry, I have a boyfriend (technically not true but I wasn't going to start explaining it all with that amount of alcohol in me). Then Reading, could've slept with Alex, Kyle, Gareth... but no. Fucking willpower, which has taken me so long to acquire but I've finally done it and now it bites me in the arse.

But now, what do I say to him? I have no right to say no, to be upset, anything for that matter. I want to know who she is though, if possible see her facebook profile because if she is at the same place as us, I was to stay well clear of her. God, what will she think when she sees me? 'Just another one...' I can't get my head around this, I don't know how I'll be able to be there without feeling humiliated, I'm scared enough as it is, new environment, students all older than me, so intimidating and now her as well. I just want to know about her. I think that'll help me. Also actually speaking to Petr, this is the first time that we'll speak and I won't be okay, I don't know how I will do it... or when. It needs to be done soon though otherwise my mind will eat itself, I'm already not going to do my Spanish and Law essays tonight (for tomorrow) because I just can't concentrate so I need to work tomorrow so I don't fall behind too much, I have to remember college is too important to faff around right now.

On the one hand, I know I have no right to be in this state so I feel terrible about what I'll be putting him through but on the other hand, I can't hold this much upset in, pretend as if I'm okay because that's where problems start. I will be pissy with him, he won't know why and then next thing we know, we're arguing pointlessly. I DON'T KNOW.

The thing is, I have no right to be upset, to be angry, but why does it happen now? It was this time last year, exactly.Lukas... the memories, they still make me ache... I'll speak to Petr about it tomorrow, hopefully things might become a little clearer by then because right now it's just a teary eyed blur. I'm sorry for making such a big deal out of this when Petr was okay with me getting with the other guys, but I just think this is different.

No.

She's got severe depression. That's it. I've known for so long now. She gets angry about everything, is constantly unhappy with her life and takes it out on the people around her. Basically me. She won't even speak to Johan, she says she's starting to hate him (although, that I understand that he's the way she's ended up like this in the first place). If things don't go her way she says it's okay and everything's fine but then gets upset, shouts, screams, every time... I don't understand. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want her disappointed in me like she tells me she is when she's upset. I try to make solutions to make her happy but I can't, she doesn't want to see her friends, she shouts at me when I tell her she needs something. She's ill and I don't know how to make her feel better, as if it's my fault. She blames me. She can't be like this all the time. No.

Indecisive and greedy.

Even if a person is a hundred percent busy, there is always that minute or two where you stop and think. A moment where you have absolutely nothing else to do than to stop and think, to wonder: What am I doing with my life? Despite all this hard work, happiness, achievement, I feel like I'm going nowhere. Not actually doing anything.

Maybe it is just being restless. When I was to have a break and rest I can't and when I finally get a chance to, my mind goes into a whirl and I wish I was busy again to stop that feeling of uselessness. It has to be boredom, greed for things that are impossible to have but there is always that sense of underachieving when I'm not busy. This is when I start thinking about all the missed opportunities, bad choices, things I wish went differently... From ones that happened years ago to fairly recent ones. For one, I wish I hadn't let anything happen with Kyle. It still lingers in the back of my mind and not because I like him but because of the affect it's had on our friendship. It's probably because of how close we were beforehand but it was a bad idea because it could never be just a one night thing; there's just that closeness from before which doesn't permit us to do that. It's just because I'm so lonely right now but I need someone here and Kyle would be the obvious choice. I can't get my head around this. I can't see us together and liking him in a different way but that clear friendship line has thoroughly been smudged. He shouldn't have done what he did in the morning. The hugging and kissing, the whispers and compliments, I didn't want that. That was beyond the borderline of a one night drunken fling. Now look where it's gotten me to. I don't care, I just wonder what it could have been and what trouble it's getting our friendship into? And I don't know why I'm pondering so much about it. It's insane and absurd so why does it bug me when I am devotedly in love with somebody else so much more perfect? You can't even begin to compare the two so why is this lingering in the back of my brain and coming back to bite me in the arse whenever he comments me or someone makes a dig about what happened at Reading?

Maybe it's because I didn't get what I wanted, him wanting me back. I just can't take rejection and wanted that extra attention because I felt/ feel lonely. Clearly this is still my immaturity coming through and I need to concentrate on other things than things that I can't have and don't even actually want? I need to remind myself that I have stepped out of my old shoes, the ones where I was scared of commitment, made guys fall for me and then just run away but if they didn't want me, get impossibly upset. It was all an endless circle where I just ended up upset 24/7. I am happy now, happy with the perfect guy. I need to stop faffing around.



The best remix of this song is by David Guetta but this one's new and fairly different to the original remixes. Ideal song for right now haha :)

Off to do some work to distract myself.
- Eve Anna x

28 days left baby.

Oh her eyes, her eyes

Make the stars look like they're not shining

Her hair, her hair

Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know

When I compliment her

She wont believe me

And its so, its so

Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay

I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails

I could kiss them all day if she'd let me

Her laugh, her laugh

She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know

Id never ask you to change

If perfect is what you're searching for

Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking

If you look okay

You know I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

The way you are

The way you are

Girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

Okay, so let's change the 'her' to 'him' & make the lyrics a little more relatable to a guy... Then you have another perfect song I have to describe you. I love you; more & more every single day. Oh I feel so soppy!! <3

G'night x
- Eve Anna

Caroussel, round & round.

no comment. :)