Written on 1/1/2011. New start, new worry.

I'm scared. Yet again I went completely hysterical on the one person that I love more than anything in the world. The problem is in me, all the anger I have from never saying a word to my family. Always agreeing, habouring everything inside & then I go completely scitz over nothing; embarrassing him, me even more so. I always worry about what people think about me, well I've gone & done it this time. Its his reactions that make me so mad, quite a lot of the time he just reacts like he doesn't care & when I do something similiar to him, he gets upset & tells me straight away. I hate double standards. I just worry about saying anything because I don't want him to get angry at me & me ending up feeling like its my fault. He doesn't mean to do it but somehow he just looks so carefree sometimes & even his friends turn to me and ask whether I'm okay. Yesterday evening was good actually, there wAs barely anything to make me think but then it was the alcohol talking & I don't remember a thing. I just don't want to ruin something so amazing. Another thing is that when I apologise over & over, he'll be okay but he makes me think about it & I know its not truly okay. Yes, I know its partly to make me think about making the same mistake twice but it means that I stew & worry for weeks & months about something that's not supposed to be such a big deal. I want us to be okay, I want us to be happy. I don't want us to argue, especially about such things. I don't know why all this is happening, I just keep wanting to scream to get rid of the stress which builds up because I don't want to get drunk and be such a bitch to the guy I want to be with. Despite everything. I can't describe how much I care for him but I'm worried that even that can't heal how things happened. He says we're okay but I can't honestly believe it. Why can't it be just us two? Just happy, no fights, nobody else involved trying to interfere. I can't say more than 'I will love you, always'. Please..