I don't know how to describe this. I don't know how he cannot realize how much he';s hurting me, the one person who's supposed to love me the most, it feels like he's destroying and fiesting up every last bit of me. I mean I even have a bruised knuckle which I haven't had in years. I can't believe I actually punched my wardrobe for the first time in years. I don't even know what to say, I've made a little list in my mind of what I need to say to him tomorrow because I need him to apologise now and change. Or I'm through and out. I have never been this upseet, not even with my parents. Just purely distraught. I feel so fucking lonely and he's just making it worse.
Right...
- I miss and want to see him all the time and he just seems to put it off all the time so I'm just left waiting for him and then him never turning up.
- I need him to try stop making up excuses for what he's done and blaming me because it's just make the situation worse.
- If he doesn't want to spend/ waste time with me at the computer then he shouldn't be with me. I need him to show me that I matter, that he cares by spending time with me. I'm sick of cancelling my plans just to talk to him & he keeps making new ones instead.
- I asked him a few days ago to be there for me more please because I feel so hurt and lonely and yes he wrote more which is amazing but then the time we are aupposed to meet he makes new plans and then keeps prolonging my wait and not coming at all. He says it's not his fault, but he should have remembered how much I was excited to see him and that 30minutes of sleepy time weren't going to cut it.
- He promised he'd be there in the evening & then kept asking to cancel. He should stick to the plans and not realise that being with friends is so much better than being with me.
- He should either apologise for this whole thing or leave it completely and change to make time to spend time with me. I'm not asking to quit his work but maybe share the rest of it out between friends & me, not just the friends!! Feeling so worthless, like I'm the last thing ever to matter. Firstly the friends, then the pub ad then me if I'm lucky!!
- I don't want to keep telling you what to do, I'm not your mother to have to keep telling you what to do.
- I don't have anybody to talk to but you right now because I don't like people knowing how vulnerable I am and now you have absolutely no time for me so I can't talk to you; no matter how scared and hurt I am right now, I just can't talk to you because you don't ever have the time!!!
- The one time that you do make free for those 55 minutes, you can't expect me to be all loving 24/7 and happy because I've missed you so much and I just want to hear that you love me and reassure me that I'm still the one. That you don't have other priorities that won't make a difference to our relationship.
PS- This is so much worse than anything right now. I have never been so upset, not even with my parents, you see how much I hurt. Also, this is the first itme that I have doubted our relationship, that's how hurt I am. This is like the time you thought about breaking up. This is how uncertain I am. I don't expect you to understand but I am & I need you to be there! I am begging. Please.
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