So I bound myself into staying in tonight just so I could revise. Of course, that didn't quite go to plan as instead I sunbathed, watched lame Friday night TV & snacked on half a tub of ice cream & there has really been no positive outcome to any of it; I feel sick, my revision hasn't moved an inch and I could have gone out. I suppose this is always the last place I venture when I'm bored so I thought why not, there is always something to ramble on about.
I have literally started counting down the days before I get to Czech, mainly before I get to see Petr again. So today I've set the countdown at 42 days. Even though it may be a few days extra, it's always nicer that the days go faster rather than slower. Also I don't know when I will finally kick my step dad into gear and he pays for the tickets. That's why I'm not placing any certainties yet; I'm already anticipating the arrival so much, I don't want more disappointment that it will in fact be further away than I thought.
I know my blog is getting boring as this is all I go on about but it is only for my eyes therefore I don't feel guilty & will rant away about Petr however much I feel the need to. I'm still completely overwhelmed by the seriousness of our 'relationship', but all in a good way, don't get me wrong, I adore it but it still suprises me that someone can love me enough to be the way he is. I just don't understand why.. not in the slightest. But I'm learning not to question it and just accept it because I know it's true.
In all honesty, the word 'relationship' still scares me a little. I'm okay with being in a relationship but as soon as someone puts a label on it, I have to think momentarily. It's slowly going away and is only an after effect of the hurt hence my commitment phobia & so on.. I wouldn't say it's the fright of commitment for me anymore, it is just the emotions invested into a relationship, literally giving yourself up entirely for someone who may or may not choose to just throw you away. I'm almost certain I don't have to worry about this with Petr but sometimes that bug in the back of my mind just eats away at my thoughts making me paranoid about the 'what ifs'. This is absurd in itself because there is no point worrying about the 'what ifs', especially when they are so unlikely but you have to expect to run into bumps down the line somewhere and the future of your relationship depends on how you decide to deal with them, personally for me that is communication.
Communication has always been a problem in my family, which is why it is such a key for me in other people surrounding me. My parents would rather stay quiet through out a problem and then solve it by losing it and acting completely over the top, shouting, screaming without knowing where the original problem started. This is my main fear in a relationship, the fact that I won't be able to communicate with my partner enough to be able to put across our feelings in order to solve our disputes calmly and with reason. I don't want to become like my mum & step dad. Of course, trust is another key issue but that is completely vital, no question about it.
I don't know why I suddenly started talking about all of the above, it doesn't have anything to do with Petr, I trust him and there is no problem in communication or honesty whatsoever, even if it pretty early on. There is genuinely nothing wrong between us two alone. Another story is the girlfriend issue. A friend and I were talking about me & Petr the other day and she was happy for me but then said 'You do realise there are three of you in this relationship.' That made me bitter for a little while, I don't look at it in that way, I won't let myself because there would be unneccesary upset but when one of your closest friends says it, it's different somehow. I won't be phased by it in the slightest, no, the issue isn't mine to deal with and the more I get involved the more it will hurt so I am just pretending that there is no problem. Also the fact that he isn't sleeping with her makes it a thousand times better in my eyes, I just keep telling myself, that he is doing the best he can. But I'll stop contemplating the girlfriend now as there's no use for this bitterness.
Maybe it is just a negative evening, I think of something positive to write about but then twist it round to something negative. No reason as to why because I have never been so happy in my life with someone and I won't try and pick loop holes and ruin it, not like the majority of my friends. It is an obvious mistake which most girls make because of their insecurities and I shouldn't have any insecurities because I love and trust Petr.
Despite such a negative and pointless blog entry, he really is still perfect.
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